The Mental Load Is Real and I’m Done Pretending It Isn’t

Nobody sees it. No one appreciates you. You are tired and sleep will not cure that.

Photo by Joel Drzycimski on Unsplash

Let me draw a picture for you.

It’s 7am. You are not yet awake and your brain is already working. Need to reschedule doctor’s appointment. There’s no milk. That bill will be due on Thursday. Have you responded to that message? What is it the kid needs for tomorrow’s school? When was the last time you called mum? Have you consumed anything today that wasn’t leftovers from someone else?

No one told you to consider any of that. You just do. Automatically. Constantly. It’s like a browser with 47 tabs open which never loads and never closes.

That’s the mind work. And if you’re a woman, particularly a mother, it’s likely that it’s quietly controlling your life.

The actual meaning of mental load:

It’s not all about doing. The doing is visible to all.

The mental load is everything that happens prior to the doing! The noticing, the planning, the remembering, the anticipating, the organising, the worrying whether it’s been done right, the following up when it hasn’t been done right.

It is just knowing that the appointment with the dentist should be made before school starts. It’s keeping track of what size clothes everyone is wearing. It’s recalling who has a nut allergy, who can’t have a Saturday, who can’t have the bills on certain dates.

All this is invisible. It is not recognized. And it never ends.

There’s no mental load day off, even on holiday. Even if you’re ill, even in the midst of a peacefully lit room, there’s a part of your brain helping manage the house.

The part that really breaks you:

It’s not because of its weight. A lot can be carried. Every day, women do, without complaint.

The fact that it’s invisible.

Clean clothes are visible when doing laundry. During mealtimes, people can see the food at the table when you cook. However, when you spend 45 minutes of your brain power coordinating, planning, and anticipating — no one sees that. For it’s just like everything is happening by chance.

Then, when you’re fully exhausted, not tired, but properly exhausted and someone asks you, “why?” and you attempt to explain, but they look at you blankly because on the outside, everything’s fine, aren’t they?

That’s what hurts you a little bit.

Why we don’t discuss it:

We’ve been told that it is what we do. It’s easier to complain about it than to be grateful for it. When everything is technically correct, it’s more dramatic to say that I’m drowning in the mental work to keep everyone’s life going.

We’ve got somewhere along the way that we thought: a good woman, a good mother, a good partner; she keeps everything together smoothly, she doesn’t make a fuss about it.

We keep on going, that’s all. Then, be quieter about how much it weighs.

What I’m done doing:

I’m over the act of acting like I’m not tired when I’m tired.

I’m over the old “the invisible work doesn’t count” attitude, where nobody can see it. I’m done shrinking the reality of what it takes to keep a life running — a home, a family, relationships, work, yourself — all at the same time.

I’m done telling myself that I’m fine and just a little tired when I mean: My brain needs a vacation from itself!

I’m fine with saying any of this out loud, and no more feeling bad about it.

What actually helps:

Honestly? The first step that was helpful was to just name it.

Not fixing it. Not solving it. Just saying: it is real, it has a name, and it’s not a fault of my personality that I am burdened with.

The second was becoming comfortable in requesting assistance without providing an in-depth explanation first. So long as you have time, maybe you can. Just: This is where I need assistance. Can you do it.

This is the third one — and it’s this one that’s going on — and accept that there’s a time and place for things not to be done perfectly. There are things that can be done wrong. There are some things that are impossible. It will not be the end of the world.

You are not an organization for managing the house. You are a person. And persons need rest.

If you read this and felt seen, good. You should feel seen. What you are carrying is true and heavy and you have carried it too long in silence.

You don’t have to fake that it’s not anymore.

Vocalise it loudly. To somebody. Start with that.

Share this with every woman you know who is holding it all together and never said a word about it.

Best Regards

Sana Umar