I Bet Everyone Was On Their Damn Phones When This Was in Theaters

Cell (Movie) (6/10/2016)

Photo Credit: Saban Films.

Spoilers ahead!

This movie seems like it would be a winner. John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson, and Patrick Hockstetter from IT? Until you get started and realize that John Cusack looks like a vampire, and also looks extremely bored. That’s because this is a boring movie.

There are a fair amount of differences from the book, and some of them sort of improve it. It starts at an airport, which is always a fun apocalyptic setting. They updated all the 2006 tech to 2016 tech, which affects the plot surprisingly little. Sam Jackson refused to play a gay character, so that’s fun. I liked the DJ who seems like he might be an important character until he gets axed in the chest. I LOVED the weird zombie blowjob dream. (I fear I’m making this movie sound interesting. I promise it’s not.)

But the highlights are a) the Trololol song, and b) the ending, which was radically changed from the book and was written by Stephen King himself. While the novel ends with some moderate hope for Clay and his son, this one ends with Clay becoming a phone zombie himself, hallucinating his own happy ending. It’d be kinda powerful, if it wasn’t all executed in the most mind-numbing way possible.

It’s not that I thought the book was great, exactly, but at least it’s fun and insane. Cell the movie is just a slog.

Sharon Riddell (Clark Sarullo)

Sharon has one complete scene, same as in the book. She wants to get back together with Clay, but “it’s not that simple.” Clearly a good mom, clearly was a good wife, until Clay dicked it all up. Not much of a character.

That said, I do love her when she’s in the blowjob nightmare. Also when she’s a monster in the attic and gets just obliterated by Samuel L. Jackson. 4/10

Alice Maxwell (Isabelle Fuhrman)

Alice killed her mom, then goes and knocks on a random apartment door and begs for help. This doesn’t really make sense but whatever.

Clay and Tom aren’t as creepy with Alice, and she’s got a bit more of an edge than she does in the book, where she’s basically a simpering damsel. She plays guitar and drinks beer and gives Clay hell for sleeping around. Still, it’s hard to get too attached to her, since she seems just as bored as everyone else. That is, until she gets METAL PIPED and DIES. Even then, it’s like none of the characters are affected by this at all! 3/10

Sally (Catherine Dyer)

Why the hell is this society woman still alive and why is she so horny? Anyway, she’s not really a character from the book, but she’s kinda fun. Until she gets PHONED. Oh well, at least she gets to dance with Samuel L. Jackson before metal piping Alice. 6/10

Denise Link (Erin Elizabeth Burns)

Oh I was so hype to see the pregnant lady! Too bad she gets neutered a little. In the book she’s a bit more of an active character. Here she just kinda talks about genocide while feeding her hog-tied phoner brother. Until Clay apathetically kills him, which she responds to fairly apathetically as well. 7/10, points for being pregnant.

Honorable Mention: Maddy (Gaby Leyner). Oh no, a zombie apocalypse! Better call 911! -Slams head against metal beam, laughs maniacally, exit, pursued by bear.- 10/10

*For more Stephen King Writes Girls reviews, click here.*