Unsaid Things.

Photo by peter bucks on Unsplash

Somebody said that some things are better left unsaid. Because it will cause unpleasantness to the subject that is being told. Well, he’s got the point. But it will leave unpleasantness and mixed feeling to the person who wants to say the unsaid things. Somebody also told me that is not good to keep something for a long time.

Well, here I want to say the unsaid things. But before that, I need to tell you guys (the readers) some story.

Prelude

I met this one person, in some organization that we both went in. Neither I met nor knew her before. She’s on a different project. She’s running on some kind of discussion that was held biweekly while I was in the content division, taking care of podcasts specifically. We running it pretty well with each other in our division. If there is a clash or something, that happens often when you work with different heads.

While the project is ongoing, we were busy with ourselves. With our projects and task in hand. While for me, no upcoming podcast means no work (hehe). But I have to prepare myself for becoming a moderator on the project that she went in. While I was in my leisure time in the middle of preparing myself, I curiously checked on my organization's Youtube channel. Checking in and out, finding some old vids. Then, I saw her on the thumbnail. She was the host of the debate competition back then. She was…. I almost lost words. Beautiful, gorgeous.

Interlude

And I had a crush on her, but never get a chance to confess it. Until. I’m elected as the president of my organization. And I point her as my vice president. We get a chance to talk, a lot. Since we have to communicate regularly to maintain the stability of the organization. Then, on one occasion, I told her. That I had a crush on her and she was like “Lot of people having a crush on me, but after seeing me like this they change their mind” KWKWKWKWKW. It was funny tho.

She has the thing that I like, her personality. People seeing like “What’s wrong with this person?” . They may find it odd, but I find it differently. And that makes me like her. Her sense of humor, her love of memes (she likes meme, anyway). I like her, a lot.

Maybe there are lot of things that I haven’t found it yet on her. But knowing her till this far, she is a nice person.

I thought it was just a slight feeling, like, its only a bit. I think I never fell in love with her again, or liking her ever again. So I just let it go of that feeling. Turns out I was wrong.

One time, she told me about her pursuit of finding someone new after breaking up with the previous one. She likes this person, the way she treats her. We spent almost 30 minutes talking about her story. And I was like giving her some advice. She said it was just a slight. Then I said, “Awas ya nanti”. Then she laughs.

After that, I never hear about her pursuit ever again.

Then, one time, I saw her Instagram Story. She was with someone. I know because she tagged him on the story but never showed his face. I thought it was like, maybe she with some friends from college or from work. Maybe. After a few times, I keep seeing his name tagged on numerous Instagram stories. And, I was like, I think she was in a relationship. And guess what, yes. My thoughts were right.

Earlier this month, on our Iftar Together (Bukber) with some of our friends from the organization. She mentioned that she had to go early because she wants to pick his younger brother from Senen Station (padahal waktu itu bukan hari senin, ba dum tss). She asked for a direction from another friend of mine, or maybe the way to get there. And in the end, she said “Aku sama doi kok”. And I was like, wait, what?

My guessing and my thought were finally right all this time. She was in a relationship. After that, I try to be okay, just like nothing happen. I went to perform Maghrib Prayer, then I saw someone, no he is not one of ours, neither I nor my friend recognizes him. Then I asked one of my friends that sat next to me.

“Itu pacarnya dia?” “Iya”

Then, all of a sudden, strange feelings on my chest, IDK whether it is from the stairs that I took or something different.

Not long after, we took a picture together and she left. And I also left because my parents were waiting for me.

Along the way home, I keep telling myself if that is true or not. And yes. Zaki. Its not your imagination, its happening, its true, its damn true.

Postlude

Here we are, finally. On the unsaid things.

One thing, to be honest. I still have a crush on you. Turns out I still have the same feeling towards you. The feeling that I put it off. Of course, with the current situation, we never be together. As a lover. But we can, as a partner, as a colleague, as a friend. I’m afraid that our friendship will never be the same again if I confess it for the second time. So I keep it. Such a dumb person, am i?

I still love you up to this time. I really do. And now, you are with someone new. Hopefully, that person can bring the joy and the best out of you. Bring you so much laughter and give the best for you. Keeping you always, be there for you always.

Do you mind, telling him this?

“Please keep her close and safe, she is a nice person that I ever met, and maybe you will never a person like her ever again, please keep her safe, make her the happiest woman on earth, okay?”

How about me? You guys maybe wondering. I’m fine, kok. Gua masih sayang sama dia, Cuma beda aja. Sebagai temen yang berusaha selalu ada buat dia. Itu udah cukup, kok.

Let me conclude this writing with this lyric:

“Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t,

you can’t make your heart feel something that it won’t

-Bonnie Raitt- I Can’t Make You Love Me

Love you, L.

South Tangerang, 29th of April 2022. 15.05

-Z