The Worst Puns Ever — All 18 of Them!

Ok. You can shoot me now.

Screen Rant

*Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. — **Fred Allen***

*What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto! — **Stephen Colbert***

*You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think. — **Dorothy Parker***

Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two boll weevils grew up in the Deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as: the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you: can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal!”

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop in town to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t’ close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Then there was the person who posted on Medium with the hope that at least one of the puns would make you laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So, the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

A (male) friend of mine was traveling the world. In India he was going to take a train for a long ride and was delighted to find an empty sleeper cabin.

Unfortunately, the conductor told him that that car was reserved for women.

“Do you mean to tell me,” exclaimed my friend, “that this berth is a miss-carriage?”

“I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”

Once there was a teenage boy who, after a lot of pondering, managed to ask this girl out for prom. In preparation, he went to buy a tuxedo, but the store had a huge tux line. However, he patiently waited and got the job done and bought himself a fancy tux. He then decided to get flowers for her, but at the florists’, there was a huge flower line. He stood there a while in the line and finally bought some fancy flowers for her. He then reckoned it’d be a good idea, if he showed up in a limousine, so he went to the limo rental, but the rental had a huge limo line. Considering it to be another slow day, he again stood in the limo line and after an hour, he finally rented a fancy decked up limo, with chauffeur.

Now, at the prom, the lovely couple had a lovely dance and when the music stopped, the girl asked the guy to get her some punch to drink as she was feeling thirsty. So, the guy goes up to the punch table and realizes there’s no punchline.

God said to Noah, “Noah, I have a task for you.”

Noah said, “I am your obedient servant, God, tell me what to do.”

God said, “You must build an ark, Noah. It must be very large, many levels high.”

Noah said, “Of course, God, I shall do as you command.”

God said, “And into the ark, Noah, you must gather fish.”

“Fish, God?”

“Yes, fish Noah. But not just any fish, they must be carp.”

“Carp Lord? Why only carp?”

“Dost thou question thy Lord God, Noah?”

“No oh, God, I do not question thee, I shall do as you command. "

And so it came to pass that Noah built the world’s first multi-story carp ark.

A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: “I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing TOULOUSE!”

18. At Sea World in San Diego, the guests at the park were complaining that the porpoises were becoming much too sexually active for their liking. After numerous complaints, the veterinarians at Sea World determined that consuming a diet of minced seagull meat would curb the porpoise’s sexual appetite. One morning, a lion had escaped from the nearby San Diego Zoo and had fallen asleep in the entryway to the porpoise tank. One of the porpoise handlers was carrying two buckets of minced seagull meat to the porpoise tank to feed the porpoises, whereupon he saw the sleeping lion in the doorway. Not wishing to awaken the lion, he delicately stepped over the sleeping lion. Upon doing so, he was immediately arrested by two FBI agents who were hiding in the nearby bushes. The charge against the porpoise handler was: “the transporting of gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises.”

A tip of the hat to Kent Rebman who posted this in the comments. It deserves to be included in the collection.

Roy Rogers buys a pair of fancy new cowboy boots and shows them off around town. He’s out riding and vanishes overnight, only turning up the next morning, horribly mauled, his clothes shredded and his fancy new boots almost unrecognizable. Dale nurses him back to health and as soon as he is able, Roy saddles up Trigger and gallops off over the horizon seeking revenge. Hours later he returns with a dead critter of some sort strapped to his saddle. He dismounts unties the critter and a mountain lion drops, dead, to the ground next to Trigger. Dale comes out of the house, looks at the critter and says, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”

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