Recurring nightmare; repeat on.

Another dream of Lady Orange, and nightmare. I’m trapped. I’m forced to become something that I don’t want to be. It doesn’t matter what I say, what I do, how I pray, what I want I have no choice but to be alone, writhing in the pain of betrayal, aging out, never to have fulfillment, always to lust, my life ruined and never to be restored, a joke of a man, a nasty craven bitter sad pathetic loser because of what she did to me. How is this Love? It feels awful. My Life has been drained away and thrown into the garbage. I want to be free’d from this but women are not interested in being a man’s savior. I have no idea what women want, but it’s not me and it’s not helping me Heal. I feel so angry all the time. This is unbearable.

♪I wonder if you know How it really feels To be left outside alone♪

Why has this happened to me? Why can’t I escape from her? Of course I still want to talk to her. I wish she was sorry, wish it would all go away though even then, will it ever be enough? Will I ever be okay? The darkness is winning and some days it seems like my only choices are either be consumed by it or shoot myself in the f’n head. This is what she has done to me and I don’t need someone who has no idea what they’re talking about to try to tell me that this isn’t reality (gaslighting) because it is. I have been trying to Heal and trying to get away from her, our relationship that she destroyed, for years now since she did, and I can NOT ESCAPE. I can’t stop Loving her and what do you know about it!? She doesn’t give af if I jump off a bridge and Oh God just thinking about it hurts so much like a thorn is stuck lodged into My Heart. I can’t get it out!

“I ❤ you so matcha”

I can’t talk to other women, I can’t Believe in Love anymore. The drive/desire for sex is powerful and is distorting my Self. WHY is this happening? WHY?? It doesn’t make any sense. Just give me what I Need. Just let me Love who I Need. This is so terrible. This is such a terrible thing to have been done to me. I’ve been driven insane. I’m insane! I was a Good Man I didn’t deserve any of this. I’m turning into a monster. This world is sick and twisted and I can’t get a single damn thing I Need and there’s no reason for any of it I’m a blessing I’m a good man I help people and I’m thrown into the trash for no fucking reason aaaaaaah MY SOUL HURTS