“Bay Area Man Won’t Give Up On Girl From Back Home Who’s Currently In A Threesome With Two Pipefitters Named Cody”

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an inspiring act of delusion now entering its 11th year, 36-year-old software engineer Arjun Desai continues to believe he’s “just one promotion away” from winning back his high school crush, despite the very real and verifiable fact that she is currently in a committed three-way relationship with two guys who repair HVACs, shotgun beer, and take turns on her like it’s a team-building drill.

“It’s always been Lisa,” said Arjun, while sipping his fourth yerba mate of the morning and debugging some Python script no one will ever thank him for. “She gets me. Or at least she would. If she wasn’t dating literal gorillas.”

Lisa, 35, who works as a part-time esthetician and full-time source of erotic joy for two tattooed men named Cody and Also Cody, reportedly has not responded to Arjun’s DM since he heart-reacted to her vacation photo captioned “My Kings 💦💦💦.”

“She’s just in a phase,” Arjun insisted, between sets of wrist curls. “A sexual detour. Once she realizes I have stock options and a standing desk with lumbar support, she’ll come home.”

Despite never having kissed Lisa and once getting a nosebleed while asking her to prom in 2005, Arjun claims their connection is “deeply karmic,” and that her current lifestyle of high-volume, blue-collar polyamory is simply “a trauma loop she’ll transcend.”

Coworkers say Arjun spends most of his breaks watching old Vines of Lisa’s laugh, updating a Notion folder labeled “Shared Future,” and applying to conferences she might one day hypothetically attend.

“He’s the only guy I know who built a React.js app to track the emotional tone of her Instagram captions,” said coworker Daniel Chu. “He cries every time she posts a photo of the Codys holding her legs like a wheelbarrow.”

In recent weeks, Arjun has begun compiling a Google Doc titled Why Lisa & I Are Inevitable, featuring quotes from Rumi, Spotify links to Hozier songs, and a detailed comparison chart proving he is “technically more emotionally intelligent” than Cody #1, even if Cody #1 has visible obliques.

Still, Lisa appears content in Idaho, where she spends her days getting orgasmed into the fourth dimension by two men who once built a deck in the rain.

At press time, Arjun was seen rewriting his Hinge bio for the fifth time this week, starting with: “Just a nerd building a life for someone who forgot me.”

And yet, through all of it, he refuses to quit.

“I’ll wait,” he said softly. “I’ll wait until the Codys tire themselves out.”