A Fun Fact To Get Me Through This Onboarding Meeting

Image courtesy of Mike van Schoonderwalt.

Name, pronouns, and a FUN FACT? No one told me we’d have to share a fun fact! This is an ambush!

Oh good, we’re starting with Tom. That gives me plenty of time to think of-

My mind is blank. I’m floating 1,000 miles off shore. Not a fun fact in sight. It’s like Life of Pi - But if I were in Life Of Pi at least that could be my fun fact.

Well that’s great. Tom’s grandpa does tantric yoga. That’s a perfect fun fact. Enjoy the corner office Tom. I’ll clean out my desk.

And, to be clear, tantric yoga is like tantric sex, right? It's safe to assume that if Tom’s grandpa does tantric yoga, he has at least dabbled in tantric sex?

Come on! A fun fact! My parents met while my dad was my mom’s student in college. That’s interesting!

An age gap relationship in a workplace. That’s the first topic I’m going to broach with my coworkers. My epigenetic memories of HR violations. Be professional! You want to sound smart.

I wrote that research paper about endangered species… Do you hear yourself?! You think these people want to hear about endangered frogs? You work at Barstool Sports! These people think the endangered frogs is a WNBA team. And these guys don’t want to talk about the WNBA.

Steven’s mom is a tantric aerobics instructor? How do you even make aerobics tantric? Is everyone's family involved in the tantric wellness industry but mine? If my aunt doesn’t own a tantric hair salon, do I even have a future at this company?

I can’t be so buttoned up. I have to be quirky. Show them my fun side. I like old Italian music. That's quirky! No, that’s someone trying to be quirky! An actually quirky person just calls old Italian music, “music.”

Forget it. Let’s just keep it simple and get this over with. I’ll just say I’m from Michigan. Maybe one of these people has cousins. Cousins love to be from Michigan. Maybe one of these people is a cousin! Maybe they’ll flash the thumbs up emoji.

It’s not fun per se. But no one can deny it is a fact. At the very least Michigan adds a sprinkle of flyover charm, right?

Who am I kidding? I work at Barstool Sports. These people aren’t going to be impressed by Michigan. Most of these guys are probably from states so flyover I haven't even heard of them: Owosso, New Alamo, South Alpena. To these guys Michigan is like Dubai!

Greg’s dad is a tantric chef who only cooks with aphrodisiacs. Of course he is.

Oh, God, I’m up. C’mon. Something fun! Anything!

I had a pet salamander as a kid? No, that's weird.

I have a pet salamander now? No, that's bragging.

Only child? Boring.

Only child because I ate my fetal twin? Made up.

Only child, but my fetal twin survived and wants revenge? No. Evil twin is so overdone...

Everyone’s looking at me-

Hello! Can you hear me? Great. My name is Jordan, he/him/his, and my fun fact…well. I have a fetal twin from Michigan. He played the CGI tiger in Life of Pi! And his parents had a workplace romance! In the WNBA!

No one is saying anything.

Oh, and my family is also full of tantric sex perverts.

Yep. Thumbs up emojis. Thought you guys might like that.

To watch Jordan read this piece live, stream in / attend “Slackjaw: LIVE” on 04/26.