I and I and I

Diary Entry (Source: Personal Documentation)

I don’t know if I keep on denying it or is it true that the energy is not the same anymore? I keep gambling on each every other day, and what used to be lighthearted, now turns somber. Only forced smiles and cautionaries. I hate that people take me too seriously or I hate that people take me too trivially. There’s no in between.

But it doesn’t mean that I am always serious. I hate it even more when I’m being considered scary.

I wait and I wait and I wait.

Then only laugh for others’ but never towards mine. Most of the time, it’s very tiring to force things out of ‘kindness’, out of ‘just in case’, out of ‘just because’, et cetera. And most people don’t feel comfortable to other people who are unapologetically honest and know themselves deeply.

I have so many questions, even the most ridiculous ones. But I get so afraid. Will people think that I am being too curious? But what else can I do to talk — to have a conversation — other than exchanging questions (asking)? To be asked? But then, will people think that I only like to talk about myself?

I go quite and quite and quite.

Then it only drowns me deeper over time.

—

Left out.

In a group of many, I became the silent listener — the silent observer. It gets very challenging when I have to open my mouth, will I precisely land? Once I open my mouth, silence reciprocates. Why does everyone get so serious suddenly? I feel like I don’t have the right nor space to express or state as if I’m the only one who doesn’t belong. I don’t know, maybe these are residuals from previous mishaps. Why does everyone keep on forgetting?

I long and I long and I long.

And then I catch myself again. Revisiting, rewiring, and reconsidering.

Am I wrong for asking? How to deliver a conversation without the feedbacks of — without the existence of — discussion, questions, and answers?

“It gets harder talking to other people (no matter who they are). It’s like I’m constantly holding back what I want to say or holding back the jokes I had in mind. I feel like I saw tension in my interlocutors’ eyes. Is it because I’m being too honest? Or am I being too hard on distancing myself so that I look awkward and ingenuine in other people’s eyes? It seems jokes are thrown easier between Person A to Person B, but never towards me. Am I being too sensitive? Or is it indeed, that my kind of jokes is just different? Or some parts of me are being opened — being exposed — too widely to the general public? It rather feels hard when I get attached too easily or want to get to know people in general. I’m craving of being kind, is it because I just want to gain their acknowledgment? And it’s harder to see when people used to talk easier to me and now they seem reluctant. And the scope of people that I can trust is now getting narrower. The thing is, it shows on my face or how I act too when I feel disappointed/when I don’t trust with these fake and ingenuine people. I’m not as excited as I used to be to people I no longer consider trustworthy — I am not as friendlier too.” - May 2026.

Debby’s Little Cranny, May 22-July 28, 2026.