This is probably going to be the first non-fiction story in this Medium

I’ve been staring at this blank space, staring blankly into space, for the past few days. Wanting to write something, wanting to write everything that’s going on in my mind — my heart, mostly.

For the past few months, I have probably asked a thousand questions, stayed up late at night (which I usually do, but for the past few months, it has been more than different) trying to distinguish what’s surreal and what’s real, and rolled in and out of bed like a little high school girl experiencing first love. I have more than a hundred unanswered questions than my realizations and it feels like I’m falling in love for the first time.

So there’s this guy. After more or less 11 years since the last time I remembered us talking, our paths crossed again. I know by now, people have probably figured it out (if I’m not that obvious enough, I have been posting screenshots of Facetime calls and conversations, and photos of us together). Only a few people know the “uncut” version of our story before all of this happened. From the first time we met (again) until now, I still can’t figure out how a person can have such a strong effect on me.

Sometimes, I stay up late at night and I wonder why, out of all the people in this world I could possibly fall for, I had to fall in love with someone who’s more than 8000 miles away from me. It would have been easier to have just ignored him maybe after the first time. It would have been easier to shrug the feelings off. Me having no experience of how long distance relationships work and him who had been in two. It would probably have been easier to let things be but deep inside I knew that people regret the things they don’t do more than the things they did. So I took the risk. I opened up my heart. I was well aware of how it was going to be once I came back. But I still gave it a shot anyway. No, I don’t have any regrets. This is the happiest I have ever been in my life so far.

I never really understood people before when they said “When it’s real, you’ll just know.” It never really made sense to me… until there was him. He makes me feel that it’s okay to trust and love fully — without any hesitation, and slowly, without any fear. He makes me feel that love never has to be so serious, or so heavy about things in the present and in the future because even if it feels so light, I know that it’s true. He makes me feel like the future, no matter how unsure it may be, is something I can look forward to. He makes me feel that I am the best choice no matter how annoying I become at times. He makes me feel that it’s okay to be myself and chase after my dreams because he trusts me enough that at the end of the day, I will always come home to him. See, that’s the thing. He’s more than 8000 miles away and no matter how far that distance is, he feels like home to me.

There’s not a single day that has passed that I haven’t thanked the Lord since that one fateful night. I believe everything happens for a reason and whatever the Lord has for bringing me back to his life, and him back in mine, all I can feel is gratitude. I have so much love, so much bliss in my heart. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes but my heart is so full with the love he so unconditionally gives me — no matter how imperfect I am, no matter how difficult it is to understand and keep up with me. And for the first time, in my whole life, I never want to leave or runaway. For the first time, in my whole life, I want something to never end. For the first time, in my whole life, I never want to get tired. For the first time, in my whole life, I want to be kept.

I have so many things I want to say but I know no words will ever be enough. And even though I know they won’t be, I still try to write anyway because right now, they’re all I have.

The situation isn’t the most ideal. The distance itself doesn’t make it easier, but right now, all I know is that I’m sure — most certain than I have ever been in my life — that there’s no one else I’d rather be with than him.