dump

Waves of Thoughts

How many thoughts are thought in a day ??

50?

100?

More?

Well, according to mighty Google dot com,

“Every day your brain processes approximately 70,000 thoughts”

Wow, that’s ALOT, a couple of thousands more than I thought.

But how many of these are pure nonsense, I wonder?

I’ve been listening to “Seven” lately and some of the lyrics are stuck in my head.

Especially “Show you what devotion is/ Deeper than the ocean is”

In the midst of daily activities, my mind keeps chanting those lyrics like a devoted fan at a concert.

“Show you what devotion is

Deeper than the ocean is.”

And eventually, my mind would travel places and further thoughts would appear,

Well, how deep is the ocean actually?

Let me Google real quick.

“Approximately 10,935 meters (35,876 feet) deep”

Wow, that means the ocean can gulp down the entire Himalayas. Now that’s scary.

No wonder scientists prefer exploring space more.

Alright. Time to resurface from the “ocean-deep” thoughts.

Who am I kidding?

After some time, the internal radio station tunes back into those lyrics, resuming its endless playback.

“Show you what devotion is

Deeper than the ocean is”

Cue some more nonsense thoughts……..

(November 22, 2023)

This is Me Trying

(November 22, 2023)

I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s music for almost a decade now, but I have never felt relatable to any of her love or break-up songs. It’s funny how people can listen to her music and empathize with the emotions she expresses through her lyrics, but I have never felt that way.

Imagine breaking up with your partner & breaking down, but well, you are a Swiftie, so you can listen to Red (Taylor’s version) and enjoy the All Too Well (10 minutes version) while crying. Oh, the feels!

As for me, the songs I relate to the most are “This Is Me Trying” and “Mirrorball.” While I enjoy listening to Taylor Swift’s songs, none of them are as relatable as these two. When I first listened to that lyric of This is Me Trying

“I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere/ Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here”

~ it felt like Taylor was talking about me. It was like she knew my story, and the feeling it gave me was beyond words. I can still remember screaming internally, “Oh my god, she’s talking about me!”

Not so fun fact, I have fallen behind most of my classmates, in life particularly. So that line hit me. I went through spiraling thoughts of how their lives are super amazing or at least this is what I get to see through social media and my human nature leads me to compare their lives to mine “How am I stuck here when others are way up towards the peak? I wasn’t meant to be here ….” Though there’s no answer to these questions.

I know everyone has their path to cross. All those motivational quotes that help to find some kinda peace to fight these inner turmoil, are helpful. However, at the end of the day, those thoughts don’t just evaporate permanently. Now and then they reappear.

I have learned that I should avoid people who cause me stress. Follow what those self-help gurus say~

Everyone has their struggles, and just because someone’s social media feed seems perfect doesn’t mean their life is perfect.

Should I confess?

(Nov 28, 2023)

Every time I read/hear the word “confess”, I automatically think it’s about love confessions. But what I’m writing here down is not any such confession.

I had a friend for a very long time, he was so nice and amazing that I thought I finally found “my male best friend”.

But, I was so wrong. Or, maybe I was too delusional in the “we are such great friends” thought, in my head that I missed all the signals that everyone else saw.

Every time I told him, whenever we talked, about my (arranged) marriage, he used to get hyper and kept asking me to wait for a bit.

Why? He used to say, “You never understood” & I probably did understand what he meant but I was not ready to catch words that weren’t said. So when I saw him acting like this about my marriage, I felt sad & bad. I believed him enough to talk about my marriage & he acted out as if he & I were in a relationship.

Certainly, he helped me a lot throughout our college days, and after that with other notes and everything. I’m still thankful. But what I know now is that he did everything not only because we were friends, but because he had feelings for me all along. And it broke my heart.

My marriage was almost fixed. Almost. I was so sure my current life would end super soon and a new one would begin sooner.

I called my friend one of these days during these times to say that my marriage had been fixed. And this time it is real. He acted out, again. He said many things. We hung up.

After a few days, he called and apologized. He said that hearing the news of me marrying someone else broke him because he loved me.

And when he started liking me back in the days of college, he didn’t know that I was from a different religion.

I said to him “None of these matters, stop saying this stuff” His emotions were high, but before he hung up, he said “Call me whenever you need anything, don’t ever hesitate”. I simply said ok and that’s the last time we talked.

I did not get married. That arrangement failed. It didn’t work.

It has been nearly 2 months since I told my friend that I was getting married. I am now considering whether I should confess to him that I never actually got married.

However, I am worried that if I do tell him the truth, he might start hoping for something more than a friendship again.

The fact is that I have never seen him as anything more than a friend, and I never will. Therefore, I am thinking of maintaining the pretence that I am living life as a married woman far away, just as I told him months ago.

My Love-Hate Relationship With Winter

Dec 30, 2023

I don’t like when winter arrives. Everything starts to look dull. The temperature drops and the sky doesn’t have that beautiful shade of blue. We all read this statement in science books that “The Sun is the source of all energy”, but I feel the statement in my bones during the cold season.

My mood automatically gets better when I wake up in the morning & see that it’s a sunny day. One of my favourite activities is to go outside and sit under the sun & soak as much sunlight as possible. I might be a good competitor to Jadoo when it comes to soaking “dhoop”(sunlight). But when the opposite happens, and there’s not much sun, I feel down all day long. I’d be feeling lethargic throughout the day till I go to bed. I don’t know about others but the sun is definitely the source of my energy. I also don’t like how we gotta do the layering when we go outside. It is frustrating.

However, winter also brings many colorful veggies, like cauliflower, peas, carrots, beetroot, spinach, and many more. It also is a season of flowers. So these are pleasing to the eyes. Also, it’s the season of cakes. So my taste buds get satisfied as well.

The best thing in winter is when I gotta sleep in a warm blanket at night. It feels like the coziest thing in the world. The comfort is unspeakable.

Even though my hate for winter begins as soon as it arrives, I also feel a tinge of sadness when it ends. I got used to layering out my clothes and it feels weird to wear only one layer, I like the sun during afternoon hours, and the satisfaction of crushing dry leaves.

But all good things come to an end, and obviously, the thing I’ll miss the most is snuggling in my warm bed inside my cozy blanket.

But will I ever consider winter over summer? Not a chance!

Money, Happiness, and Privilege

Dec 30, 2023

I’ve often come across posts like “Money doesn’t buy happiness” on various social media platforms, and when I go through the comment section, it’s always hilarious to read.

“Well I don’t mind breaking down sitting in my 7 billion mansion”

“Can’t wait to stay in one of the luxurious hotels in Paris & cry about my unhappy life”

“I want these kinda struggles in life lmao”

The irony is that the statement typically comes from wealthy individuals, who are capable of having various options available to them when in need. Although money may not be able to buy everything, it can certainly purchase most things. And, above all, it allows people to have the privileges that an average man can’t even imagine in their wildest dreams.

Once someone (a man) asked me “But what’d you do with the money? What are the needs that you want to fulfill?”

I couldn’t answer it properly. I never really thought deeply about money. Yes, my expenses are indeed on my part but I’m not someone who spends a lot. I make my clothes instead of going to the tailor. When I see a beautiful dress, my first thought is “I’d love to make this for myself” instead of “I want to buy it”. In short, I’m quite a low-maintenance person.

So my response was “I’ll think about how to spend the money when I have it.”

And, Money certainly brings a lot of privileges.

Such as, if you have money, you would be able to admit one of your ill family members to a top-class hospital instead of a government hospital.

Or, you’d be able to travel in private cars instead of public transport, when in need.

Or, simply, you’d be able to buy books, instead of reading the stolen pdf versions on your phone.

Or, well.. the list goes on.

The bottom line is, that money brings power, and having enough money allows people to talk about how “Money doesn’t buy happiness”(wink emoji).

A Year Ago, This day….

Dec 7, 2023

A year ago today I was studying super hard for my first-ever govt exam that was to be held on 11th December, 2022.

The notification was out almost two months earlier than the announced exam date but I didn’t study much during that time.

I remember I only went on beast mode for the last 10 days probably.

And after the completion of it, I calculated the marks, it was above 90 out of 150.

It was written in the notification that a candidate had to achieve at least 90 marks to be able to go to the next step (obviously there were relaxations for the reserved candidates).

So getting 90 was ok for me. To be honest, I was not expecting much.

Later, in February 2023, after almost 2 months of the exam, the answer key was published and as I calculated my marks whopped to 106. I was doing the count again and again, what if I was mistaken?

But there was no mistake. My mark was 106 out of 150.

For some time I thought I was just being lucky because come on !! Multiple people have been studying so hard for the past 2 months and then there was me!

Even though I never stopped studying, I was never studying the way one should do to pass a job exam. But my 10-day schedule definitely did wonders for me.

Now as i’m looking at my lock screen and see the date, I can’t help but wonder how I was probably stuffing my head with various information a year ago this day.

laughing emoji*

Straight from Heart…Life in 2023

Dec 29, 2023

I’ve been watching a lot of self-improvement types of reels on my fyp lately on Instagram. The basic and common factor in all these reels is “self-reflection”, which basically means you take a look at yourself and evaluate where you are today and how you want to see yourself in the next 5 years.

Now, when I look back at myself and want to answer these questions, the very first thing that comes to my mind is “Will I even be alive till then?”

When COVID hit, millions and millions of people died, and then things started to change to how normal life used to look like, I wondered “How did I survive this situation?”

In short, I don’t think much further about life. Oftentimes, I don’t even know whether I would wake up the next morning.

But after my graduation, since 2020, the way life is taking its turn, it’s better to have a vision of a life irrespective of the fact that I’m extremely pessimistic about it.

But here’s the thing.

Currently, the only thing I want in my life is to have a job that pays me. Not just any job, but a govt. Job. I passed the primary school teachers’ written exam, but the corrupt government has no intention to conduct the interview process and it’s been more than a year now.

I really, genuinely want to have my own money. Because, one thing I’m aware of is that, with money comes power. And power defines the position.

And it’s quite disheartening always to be someone to ask for money from the husband to buy even the smallest things. It’s disappointing and disrespectful to the younger self who studied so well and always did extremely well academically.

But, is it that easy to dream “to get a job”? Let’s forget about the corrupt govt for a second, the fact is these dreams are way highly conditioned by the future family’s decision.

Ever since my arranged marriage process started, every time, I’ve been disappointed by the families of these males who came to our house. They come and eat like pigs and ask horrible questions and I’m conditioned to answer these with a smile on my face favoring the kinda answer they want. It’s always been like that, always the act of “please these people” is on.

I have never said these even to myself but my dreams are -

To have a job

To buy a flat in a city where healthcare is available

To have enough balance in the bank account that a sudden health disaster doesn’t mean borrowing money from others

To own a boutique

To have enough freedom to be able to sit alone for some time without being questioned or disturbed

All these dreams, now, seem unrealistic. But these are my dreams.

When the families come here and one of the questions is “What is your dream for the future?”, had I told the above, people would faint or laugh at me.

These people want to have a life partner who is a slave, or, well, in non-harsh words, someone other than serving what the in-laws say, who has no dream, no self-respect but only beauty & have the ability to be able to become the baby-making machine. That’s exactly what these people want.

All these people come to my house and then I am conditioned to maintain a smile on my face while my self-respect is being destroyed when answering their mannerless questions, basically pleasing these- and that is what makes it hard for me to continue to have the said dreams.

How can I continue to study for the government job examinations when I know ultimately when someone matches the arranged marriage requirements, it’s only me who has to demolish all these dreams and follow that man’s order and become a slave for him & his family, a well educated one, might I add.

Honestly, marriage has never been one of my dreams, ever. It just happened to be something I learned to know that has to be done right after my graduation. Before then, I was never told about it, never thought I’d go through these brutal, mental harassments quite often.

Marriage, to me, means to leave everything, my parents, my family, my room, my pillow, my bed, my peace, my comfort, my everything. These things are going to be replaced by the new family, who will treat me as a slave only, my only thought process would be completely about what they want and like and nothing about myself.

I surely don’t know what life would bring to the table, but honestly speaking, the past me, the me who scored high in schooldays never thought that her future self would end up in a disastrous situation like this.

In the end, I don’t know how life would become but I am extremely unmotivated to work on things I know I should be working on because I’ve been brainwashed that at the end of the day, my transformation would be to become a slave of an unknown male. I wholeheartedly wish, may this not happen to me or any of the people who have been amazing toward me, ins sha Allah. May my future be Happy and content, ins sha Allah.

Same shit…again

Feb 9, 2024

I hate marriage.

I despise it even.

The process of it is fun for people who are genuinely interested in being with each other till the end or something like that, but for the ones who don’t have such feelings for that so-called “would-be partner” is a horrendous experience.

I cannot even imagine it.

Ironically, I have to go there to the beginning process of arranged marriage i.e. meeting the other person/ family.

It’s a torture.

Mental harassment.

This entire process is kind of a sadistic pleasure to the people who visit and then eat like disgusting pigs.

I’m freaking out.

I’m genuinely afraid of marriage.

Especially the kind I’m going to be involved in.

I don’t want to cause or pray harm to someone but if this time, something happens and this disgusting family with a superiority complex postpones or even cancels this stupid meeting, more like serving them handmade foods like they are kings of some estate or something- I’d be overjoyed.

Man proposes, and God disposes.

And may Allah truly dispose. Ins Sha Allah