HUMOR

The Sky Fell in My Yard

217 slips of paper, one sleepless night, and a message from the universe

It’s raining fortunes! (Created by the author in Canva-NO AI)

I was surprised when I saw clouds as I opened the window that morning, because the forecast was for a cool and sunny day. They were hanging low, dark, and heavy, promising snow on the way. Sighing at the dreary day, I was mollified to realize that I could put off my errands until later so I could blame the weather for my procrastination.

It wasn’t until the sky opened up I knew something was wrong.

I walked outside to watch the snow when I noticed several slips of paper on the ground in the front yard. Before I could think of examining them, I glanced up and gasped. Falling from the sky was not snow, but more slips of paper. It was like a ticker tape parade, only smaller and seemingly in slow motion.

It was beautiful. The papers fluttered in the air, wildly twisting and turning as they made their descent. I followed one as it got closer, watching it as it fell. It landed partly on the toe of my shoe. I squatted down. Immediately that made me wish these were wishes, because I’d wish to get unstuck from a squat.

The paper had writing on it, and when I touched it, a tiny spark ignited, as though I had built up static by dragging my feet along the carpet. I realized I was holding a slip from a fortune cookie.

“You will have a happy day,” it read. It was a typical fortune, nice and vague.

I noticed something else as I stood outside, being pelted with tiny paper. There was nobody outside watching this happen. I mean, it was raining paper– where were my nosy neighbors? At the very least, crotchety Mr. Reynolds next door should be complaining about the litter on his pristine lawn.

I realized–the papers were only landing in my front yard.

Nowhere else had paper on the ground.

That weirded me out big time. I had to investigate further, and I was still stuck in my squat, so I quickly scooped up four more slips. I didn’t read them, just shoved them in my back pocket and worked on standing up, which involved a complete lack of grace mixed with a grunt-filled downward dog. I wondered if my neighbors could even see the paper, or if they just thought I was practicing a torturous and clumsy form of yoga.

I fell twice, but managed to eventually get up, brushing off the dirt and the remnants of my dignity. Glancing once more at the sky, I headed inside. I grabbed a magnifying glass and flashlight so I could examine the slips more closely.

The first one said:

“You will find $5.53 in your brown winter coat. Spend it wisely.”

I actually did have a brown winter coat. I went to the closet and, sure as shit, I found a five dollar bill, two quarters, and three pennies. I wondered if the fortune had been written sixty years ago, when five and a half bucks could practically get you a down payment on a starter home.

Thoroughly unnerved, I read the second one.

“Someone is thinking of you right now.”

Wow, thinking of me? How romantic! I immediately froze, stopped all thought processes, and went off on a tangent in my brain that became an ADHD-fueled daydream about all the people it could possibly be.

My phone rang, breaking the silence. It was from an unknown number.

It was my dentist’s office, reminding me I was due for a cleaning.

My ADHD daydream slammed closed.

Sighing, I went back to the fortunes.

The third one read, “While on your next errand, you will not trip over your own feet in a public place.”

YES! That one would definitely come in handy.

The fourth fortune had just three words. Three words that chilled me to the bone with their vague specificity.

It said, “Beware of geese.”

Well, obviously beware, was my first thought, because geese are assholes. However, this fortune felt like more. It felt almost sinister.

I shook my head. Sinister. A fortune cookie.

I turned it over, and the other side said the same thing, only “Beware of swans, too.”

No duh, I thought. Swans are also assholes. None of this information is new to me.

I went back out to the yard and grabbed a few more slips. Then I spent an hour and a half on my hands and knees looking for other ones, and I eventually found them all.

I saw the neighbor’s curtains twitch, but nobody came out, which meant they thought I was being run-of-the-mill weird per usual. They were used to that.

Eventually I ended up with 217 slips. I stayed up all night and into the next morning, but eventually I had them in order. It was a message, that much was sure. It was in code, but I needed to get the complete message first.

I laid all 217 slips side by side on the floor of my living room while on my hands and knees, because apparently that’s the position I live in now. Hours of codebreaking, sweating it out, and at 4:45 am I finally had it. It said:

YOUR STOVE IS ON.

I read it.

Read it again. I struggled my way up from the ground–which took five minutes–and when I caught my breath, I hobbled to the stove. The back burner has a trick where if you don’t turn it hard, it will stay slightly on. Sure enough, it was hot.

I can’t say I’m not grateful, but I stood in my kitchen, legs cramping, socks damp from the yard, fortunes everywhere, and laughed until I cried.

I arranged 217 slips of paper. Hours on my hands and knees. A full night of code-breaking.

All so the universe could mom out on me.

Though I’m still on the lookout for geese.

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