SELF-AWARENESS

How I’m Learning to Handle Criticism Well

Even when it shakes me to my core

Photo by Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash

I’ve always found it hard to cope with criticism whilst realising at the same time that sometimes it is deserved. But even the smallest negative comment can unsettle me so deeply that it ruins my day, and sometimes several days.

Sometimes, I might lose sleep over criticism that I feel is unfair. I replay the words again and again, trying to understand why they were said, what I did wrong, and what it means about me. And even when that feeling fades, the comment sits somewhere in the back of my mind for weeks, resurfacing sometimes when I don’t expect it to.

I used to think this made me weak and oversensitive. I labelled myself as too emotional. But now I think it’s just part of who I am and try not to judge myself as stupid for overthinking things when I’m criticised.

Where it started

When I was a child, criticism could overwhelm me. If a teacher told me off in front of other students, I cried full tears that I couldn’t control. I was told I was too sensitive and that I needed to toughen up.

I made mistakes in class and with the work I produced, so a lot of the time, the criticism was deserved, but it always seemed so harsh. It usually spoiled the rest of my day. I was even more upset when I was told off for something I hadn’t done wrong, but instead of being able to point that out to a teacher, I would frequently collapse into floods of tears, with my classmates looking on.

My parents didn’t know what to do with my tears, so they left me to cry alone. What they didn’t see was that beneath the crying was a huge amount of anger and hurt that I had no way to express. I didn’t have the language, the confidence, or the permission to say, “That felt unfair,” or “I’m upset.” So the feelings built up inside me until they eventually faded on their own.

That pattern followed me into adulthood.

How criticism affects me now

Even today, if I feel unjustly criticised, I shut down and I don’t talk back. I don’t defend myself, and often I don’t explain. I freeze because I’m terrified of the emotion underneath, the same anger and hurt that I couldn’t express as a child.

And because I don’t express it, the criticism lingers, and sometimes it bothers me for days. It sits in my chest and gets stuck in my throat. I replay the moment, imagining what I could have said, what I should have said, and what the other person must think of me.

I worked in schools as a teacher for 24 years, and sometimes senior staff could be harsh, dismissive, or unfair to teachers. That used to make me angry, even more so when the unfair criticism was directed towards me.

But if I tried to talk about it, I often cried. And once again, I was labelled emotional. I hate that word. To me, it means someone who can’t handle their feelings, someone who is dismissed rather than understood.

Being called emotional felt like being told I was the problem, and the behaviour or actions that triggered my reaction weren’t taken into account. Criticism has always felt like a threat to my work and my sense of self.

Why criticism hits me so hard

It’s taken me years to understand that my reaction is about how I’m wired. I wish that I had had someone in my childhood who had explained that to me.

I feel things deeply, and I think deeply. When someone criticises me and then tries to give me feedback, it can feel like I’m in danger. My nervous system reacts as if something important is at risk, and I temporarily feel a rush of adrenaline, and sometimes I just want to run away from the criticism.

That’s why a single comment can ruin my day. That’s why I lose sleep and that’s why it can take me weeks to recover fully.

How I’ve learned to cope with criticism

Life is full of criticism, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to cope better with the exaggerated feelings that come up for me, and they now bother me less. But somehow, a few aspects of niggling tension are left behind, and I know I have a way to go before I can eliminate those.

But it’s difficult because those feelings can get in the way of rational decision-making.

So each year, I’ve set myself a target: to become more confident in handling criticism by developing strategies that help me stay anchored when those feelings of sadness and anger are threatening to overwhelm me.

Here are some of the approaches that have helped me.

I pause after I’ve been criticised and stop myself from responding immediately. I give myself space to breathe and to let the initial shock settle. This pause doesn’t make the criticism hurt less, but it stops me from spiralling straight away into anger.

I’ve learned how to separate the criticism from my identity. This has been huge for me. Instead of thinking, “They criticised me, therefore I am flawed,” I try to think, “They criticised something I did, not who I am.”

It sounds simple, but it creates a shift inside me and creates some emotional distance from the criticism.

Then I ask myself: “Is this criticism useful?” I’ve learned that not all criticism is equal. Some is constructive, and some is careless and has not been well thought through by the person delivering it. And some people use criticism to project part of themselves onto me.

So when I’m criticised, I ask myself these important questions. Does this person understand my work? Do they know the full context? Are they speaking from their own stress? Is there something helpful buried inside my discomfort?

Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes it’s no, and sometimes I don’t know. Either way, the question gives me agency.

I talk to someone I trust because sharing it with someone who understands me and saying it out loud reduces its power. It helps stop the comment from echoing endlessly in my mind.

I do other things to dilute the emotional intensity

This is something I’ve done instinctively for years, but now I do it deliberately.

If a comment has upset me, I fill the next few days with other activities like writing, tutoring, walking, reading, gardening, and maybe going to the gym. Over time, the criticism becomes one small part of a much larger emotional landscape. It fades because my life fills with other experiences.

I remind myself that sensitivity doesn’t mean I’m flawed, but this is always hard as I’ve framed sensitivity as a weakness for most of my life. So I look at the whole me now. I know that I’ve got qualities of empathy, depth, intuition, and awareness. Those qualities are behind the reasons I write the way I do, and they help me connect with students.

Those qualities are part of my workflow each day. So I’m learning to see sensitivity as a strength that needs boundaries, not suppression.

My goal for this year

My target this year is to become more confident in handling criticism.

But this year I’m being more specific with my target. I’m going to be building emotional anchors and working hard to pause before I get angry and emotional. And I will be working hard at separating feedback from my identity.

I’ll try to be kinder to myself and to remind myself that criticism is one moment in time, and it’s not a verdict on me as a person. I’ll be working harder on allowing myself to feel the discomfort without letting it define me.

Confidence, for me, will mean that I recover more quickly from those feelings that shake me. I’ll sleep better and I’ll feel less shaken so that I will be able to continue writing, creating, and speaking even when someone doesn’t like what I’ve done.

Why I’m sharing this

I’m writing this because I know I’m not the only one who feels criticism this intensely. Many people do, but few talk about it. And when we don’t talk about it, we assume we’re alone. We might assume that we’re flawed emotionally and that everyone else is coping better.

But I’ve learned that sensitivity is not a flaw in my character and that I take longer to recover from criticism than most people. But I’m working on it. I’ve learned that being kind to myself and feeling supported are things that I need to do consciously.

And each day, I do my best to remind myself that I’m getting better at dealing with criticism. I hope that one day I’ll find that criticism doesn’t bother me in the same way anymore.

Thanks for reading.

How do you handle criticism?

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