Let’s Watch: Surf Ninjas (1993)

Eat squid, poncho.

*Every week, the While Rome Burns crew gathers ‘round to watch a film of questionable content and give their two cents as it unfolds. This is a collection of the best pennies from those sessions for you.*

Rob Schneider, what on earth are you doing here? You’re late on set for SNL!

The Film We Watched:

We somehow have not watched this film up to this point.

“Knives? Oh yeah, seriously. That’s something money can’t buy. Knives. Once I went to a cutlery store and said ‘Here’s $100,000, can I buy a knife?’ They said, ‘NO. Money can’t buy knives.’ Gee, I guess that’s why you hardly ever see any of ’em around.”

What They Say This Movie Is About:

Two Asian-American “surfer-dude” brothers discover they are the long lost princes from a China Sea Island. Part of their inheritance includes magically-induced martial arts prowess and seeing the future. Using their new powers, they act to overthrow the island’s current dictator, a despotic madman with a metal face!

What This Movie Is Actually About:

Keno from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze tries to get a Hollywood career going after peaking in said film.

Why This Movie Is Actually Good:

The film does a good job of capturing a lot of early 90’s aesthetics: martial arts, surfing (and related lingo), with a bit of some 80’s sword and sorcery with magical powers and Leslie Neilsen wearing a metal mask on half his face. It’s truly a transitional film that branches across those iconic decades. Kinda.

[embed]

Plot Points By Point, With The Gang:

[TMNT music intensifies]

Johnny and Adam are teenage surfers who live in Los Angeles with their father, Mac.

This is canon. I refuse to acknowledge otherwise.

Two weeks before Johnny’s 16th birthday, ninjas attack the teenagers, but they are defeated by Zatch, a mysterious warrior with an eye patch.

To be clear, this is about Rob Schneider.

A follow-up attack results in Mac’s kidnapping, though Zatch is able to protect the teenagers and their friend Iggy from the ninjas. Adam discovers that the video game on his Game Gear matches the events happening around him and finds he can control some events through his Sega.

Rob will find no quarter in this group.

Zatch reveals to Johnny and Adam that they are actually the sons of the king of Patusan, whose land and monarchy was overthrown by the evil Colonel Chi when the boys were young.

No one ever asks “Where’s Rob?”

Zatch claim it was their destiny to return to Patusan, overthrow Colonel Chi, and free the people.

Hopefully they don’t wind up in the Baltimore harbor.

Zatch takes them to the East Asian district of “Little Patusan” in Los Angeles, where Johnny is introduced to a Patusani princess, Ro-May, who has been betrothed to Johnny since they were infants.

Normal. What the hell is even normal anymore.

Eventually, they reach Patusan and discover what Colonel Chi’s rule has wrought, including a burned village and a chain gang of political prisoners. It’s up to these surfer bros to save an entire island nation. Can they do it? Will it be a radical victory, or a total bummer of a defeat? You’ll have to watch the film to find out!

“Ha ha, man fall down!”

Should You Watch This Film?

If you’re a 90’s kid, you should definitely go out of your way to watch this one. It’s a mess, but by god it sure does exist as a 90’s mess.

Best Out Of Context Riff Of The Night:

He’d earnestly say this like a narration.