this unfair life of mine

Photo by Nick Scheerbart on Unsplash

i’ve always met people who say, “there is someone dreaming for a life like yours.” well… i hope no one is wishing for a life like mine.

sure… i might have a house, proper food, proper LIVING conditions…..

but.. is that all? that ain’t what life is limited to.

people never did care for me… if i ever ask for help, i’d be turned down immediately for reasons that sound ridiculous… and later i see them not doing anything and trying to not be noticed by me.

and i just suffer from a curse in EVERY single competition i play…. like i’m always the one who just misses out on the prizes…. if prizes are till 3rd, i would come 4th, if prizes were till 2nd, i would come 3rd.

this happened EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

and oh god the things i have to hear after that…..

my parents never backed me even after my highest achievements.

even when i came 5th internationally [definitely NOT a flex]… they just said… [no just said would be wrong]… they SHOUTED, probably loud enough for the entire floor to listen, “WHY NOT 1st?? HOW MUCH MORE WILL YOU MISS OUT ON??”

even Carles Puyol’s dad said, “If you come back and they haven’t selected you because they had better players than you, no problems. But if they don’t select you because they had guys more determined than you, don’t come home”

i could fucking bet my entire life on it that i worked the hardest of any of them… but obviously… god’s plan won’t let that be seen to any one..

not the judges

especially not my parents.

my first love, when she found out about my liking her, she didn’t even start a normal conversation or anything..

she didn’t even try to avoid it.. cuz the first thing she says to me, immediately after she gets to know, is..

“get the fuck out of my life”

i was severely depressed for nearly 2 years.. that same statement ringing in my life

i heard that statement so much in my head.. at one point.. it was all i thought of.. and i didn’t want to live anymore

then come the ‘friends’ i have… or are they really?

there have been so many instances where like… nobody even cares for me

there was once a time when my friend invited me to his birthday where our entire friend group would be there.. then he postpones it… and doesnt even tell me… just says that the party was cancelled

when i ask him later.. he says.. “sorry, i forgot to tell”

and he leaves just like that

when i was through my hardest times.. everyone saw my struggle

not a single person helped

no one except my parents have seen me cry… but they have only seen like 0.1% of the times i’ve cried… all alone in the corner of my room

they say things that i should do… and when i do those things they’ll shout at me for doing it

when i didn’t study: got scolded

when i did study: got scolded

when i practiced for my competition: got scolded

when i didn’t practice for my competition: got scolded

and the list goes on and on and on…..

every single time.. felt helpless

and don’t even ask about the injuries i’ve suffered from these…

[broken bones, bruises, burns, et cetera, et cetera]

all i’ve ever asked for god in my prayers are 2 things:

a happy life

and true love from at least 1 person

and god has listened to none

but.. god will obviously fulfil the wishes of any other human.. except me

there have been so many moments when i have seriously thought of death

i have pulled myself through

but that thought just lingers somewhere in my mind…. lost but strong enough to come back

if only there was one person who knows me well, who i could tell all of my pain to…

the only reason i’m writing this is because i wanted to get these things off my chest… but none of my friends would care to listen… and no one who actually knows me is on Medium.

so no one in my school will know about this…

at least some people will read this…

this has been my life so far…

no ups and downs…

just one line that keeps going down…

with no ups…

thank you for reading till the end if you’ve reached till here…

i owe y’all something, but that could only be if i had anything to give you…