When “Pushing” Wasn’t the Answer: A Mother’s Reflection

When I realized Emma had been putting so much pressure on herself that she cried, I was overwhelmed with guilt. I immediately called off “Operation Hi.” Around that same time, we had a parent-teacher conference, so I told her teacher about how desperately Emma actually wanted to speak.

The teacher’s reaction was one of knowing agreement. “I thought so,” she said, advising me, “It really is better not to put pressure on her.” Because Emma is highly anxious yet deeply conscientious, she had a strong desire to do exactly what she was told. As a result, she would blame herself whenever she couldn’t do it.

From that moment on, I stopped pushing her to use her voice.

Looking back now, I think what she really needed at the time was for me to meet her where she was, empathize with her feelings, and validate her just as she was, telling her she didn’t need to rush. “You want to talk to your friends, don’t you? You want to express yourself, right? But there’s no need to hurry. You can go at your own pace. If you can’t speak, you can just nod or use gestures to show how you feel.” I can’t help but think that if I had spoken to her that way, it might have put her mind at ease a little. Of course, this depends entirely on the child’s personality, so it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.

During that interview, I also asked the teacher if I should consult with the school counselor. She told me, “The counselor visits the classroom quite often to see how the children are doing, so I’ll let them know about Emma and have them keep a close, watchful eye on her.”

This incident changed my perspective; I stopped making “talking” the ultimate goal. But then, how should I approach this moving forward? How could I help her build her confidence bit by bit?

We continued to have occasional playdates. It might have been less frequent compared to other kids, but she played from time to time with both Japanese and non-Japanese children. However, even during these playdates, she had stopped speaking entirely. Last year, she would laugh and chatter during playdates with Japanese friends, and even at the beginning of this school year, she was able to speak with them outside of school.

Could it be getting worse? A wave of anxiety washed over me.