Your Kids Didn’t Ask To Be on Social Media

The psychology of posting your children online

Photo by Prostock-studio on Adobe Stock

Have you ever taken a picture of your kid that was so cute, you’ve thought, “I wish I could share this with the whole world”?

You are not alone. While any parent could tell you that kids are a lot of work, those same parents would also tell you about the countless times they have been amused by or overwhelmingly proud of their offspring.

It’s human to want to share our pride and joy in our kids. But what impulses make us share (or maybe even overshare) information about our kids on our social media?

How sharing became “sharenting”

One of the most popular uses of social media, particularly in the early days of its existence, was for family members and friends to share information about their lives.

With families increasingly living in different parts of the country from one another, platforms like Facebook became a place where grandparents, children, and grandchildren could keep in touch with one another. Such platforms are intuitive enough for all generations to use, and made it easy to share countless cute pictures of one’s family.

Although many parents post their kids’ pictures just frequently enough to share milestone birthdays or updates about events, many parents also engage in what has been termed “sharenting” — the “act of digital oversharing, of excessively posting information, pictures, stories or updates about your child’s life” online.

Sharenting is associated with risks

Most recent articles about sharenting tend to focus on its risks.

Studies have found that many of us know someone who has posted “embarrassing information about their kid” or who has shared “inappropriate pictures.” These studies also show that many people (knowingly or unknowingly) post pictures or information about their kids that reveal their location or other too-personal information.

The widespread use of AI is also creating new risks for anyone who posts images online. News stories about hackers and predators using AI image generators to make sexually explicit content, using “photos of fully clothed kids posted on social media sites” as their source material, are becoming more common.

Psychologists and therapists also suggest that there are other, less tangible (but still dangerous) risks to parents sharing pictures of and information about their children online.

If children know that their parents are sharing photos and information about them on the family’s social feeds, it can teach them that they need to seek external validation — positive attention from others — for all of their choices and activities. Parents’ focus on sharing photos that share their kids’ cutest moments can lead kids to believe they only have value when they look and act “perfect.”

Many parents also post information about children to their social media feeds without asking their children’s permission to do so. This practice can lead to problems as children become young adults who have their own opinions about privacy and trust.

A 2019 study found that “adolescents were largely disapproving of their parents posting pictures of them.” Young adults particularly disliked it when their parents showed photos and updates that the kids perceived were shared primarily to “create a certain persona for their family” (also called “impression management”).

Why do some parents keep sharing (or oversharing), particularly when their own kids can be frustrated by the practice?

People love to post about their kids for many reasons

In a recent article at The Cut, author and father Jason Diamond wrote that “I’ll never quit posting my emoji-obscured kid on Instagram, no matter what you think.”

In “My Daughter, Bagelface,” Diamond details his history of posting photographs of his young daughter on his Instagram page, although he always obscures her face with an emoji of a bagel (or, in some cases, with an actual bagel). Although he admits that people who live in his neighborhood or who follow his account still recognize him and his daughter in public, he finds that recognition (and people liking his posts) provides him with “little dopamine hits.”

Diamond also admits that his wife is “not into” his practice of posting the bagel-blocked pictures of his daughter to their social media, because she doesn’t believe their daughter currently has the ability to say “yes” or “no” to the practice.

Parents have a wealth of reasons, however, behind why they love to share their kids’ pictures and stories.

One reason is the ease of sharing news with friends and relatives across the world. Especially during the COVID pandemic, many families kept in touch online to overcome loneliness and a lack of social outings during quarantine.

The rise of “influencers” also plays a role in how parents view their families. Many social media personalities garner millions of views and make side incomes by posting about their families online. Some parents, especially those who are posting about their children’s health or other challenges, also view their time on social media as connecting with other families for support, or as bringing more awareness to specific conditions and problems.

Still others view sharenting as an easy way to create an archive of their child’s experiences, while others admit that they share family stories because they have a need for validation, which can lead individuals to seek attention and interaction through their social media feeds.

Diamond, for his part, is honest about why he posts about his daughter so frequently: “I post pictures of my kid because there’s nothing I love more than being a dad.”

This tracks with another reason experts frequently give for why parents post about their kids online: “Many people may believe their role as a parent is a major component of their identity.” Posting about parenting and their kids “is important in showing who they are.”

The important thing to keep in mind when posting anything on social media

As long as parents are proud of and excited about their children, many will continue to post photographs and news about them online.

The many reasons why they do so are perhaps less important to understand than the truth that there are many ways to lessen the risks of sharenting.

Ways to lessen those risks include keeping one’s social media network private (or restricting access to your posted photos), making sure photos don’t have location or other metadata attached to them, and asking your children for permission to post about them as soon as they are old enough to understand the concept.

Perhaps the easiest rule of thumb to follow when posting about your kids is also the simplest: “Pause before posting.”

Posting to social media is always best when done thoughtfully, and reading one’s social media feed is often healthier when done in smaller doses. Simply pausing on both activities periodically might be the best way to conquer “sharenting.”