TO “MOTHER”

TO “MOTHER”

Ever since I was a child, I knew I had to earn love.

Earn my parents’ love. Earn my father’s love. Above all, earn my mother’s love.

Asking for a kiss, asking for a hug, always felt like begging for spare change from someone whose pockets were full but who never opened them.

I was always looking for her approval.

Always hoping she would truly love me.

Maybe that’s why my relationships never seem to work out.

Maybe that’s why I keep searching in others for the love she should have given me freely.

Because a part of me is still that little girl.

The one waiting for a hug that never came.

The one waiting for a kiss she had to beg for.

The one waiting to hear that she was enough, even when she never felt she was.

That same little girl who still moves heaven and earth to help other people.

Not necessarily hoping to be loved in return.

But hoping for a little gratitude.

A little affection.

A little of that warmth she never had at home.

The childhood I had.

The childhood I didn’t have.

And who still doesn’t understand why she had to spend so many years trying to earn a love she should have received without asking for it.

The most contradictory part of all this is that despite everything I lacked, everything I suffered, everything I was never given, I still have so much love inside me.

I love my children with all my soul.

I love my friends.

And even though people still hurt me, even though my heart sometimes feels shattered, it remains surprisingly intact.

It’s strange.

Broken and whole at the same time.

This is the first time I’ve spoken about her in ten years.

And I’m doing it through writing.

Because I have forgiven her.

I forgave her for her sake.

I forgave her for mine.

I forgave her for that little girl who still lives inside me.

I don’t know if I will keep thinking about her.

I don’t know if she ever thinks about me.

But I do know that what happened helped me avoid making the same mistakes with my own children.

It helped me become a better mother.

A better person.

And even if it didn’t help me become a better partner…

That’s okay.

No one gets to be perfect in this life.