Cardio in the Age of Climate Change

Southern California’s indoor workout options

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It’s too hot. Too hot to do basically anything. I want to go outside, but it feels like a convection oven, and I’m not ready to die. Not yet. I’m restless, climbing the walls, because my body craves movement beyond the short commute from bedroom to living room.

What to do?

Orange Theory Fitness crosses my mind, but I’m too late to sign up for a class. Apparently, everyone else has had the same air-conditioned epiphany. Exercising at home to a YouTube video crosses my mind too, but I hate working out alone. I’m just not motivated unless there are actual human beings around me — preferably sweating and suffering alongside me.

And then there’s Magoo — my new, rambunctious German Shorthaired Pointer — who does not care that the outside world has turned into a convection oven. He needs out. He needs movement.

The dog park is out of the question. The beach? Even worse. Hot sand, no shade, and the kind of heat that turns a simple walk into a bad decision. So now it’s not just me climbing the walls — it’s both of us.

So I start thinking differently. Not fitness. Not fresh air. Just survival with movement. The places people go on snow days on the East Coast just to get out of the house and keep from losing their minds.

And then it comes into focus — flashes of big, air-conditioned spaces. Places where walking is allowed, even expected, but no one is watching closely enough to question your motives.

Costco: The Climate-Controlled Endurance Event

Photo by Author of Mrs. Magoo and I

And here’s the part that makes my Costco plan feel less like desperation and more like strategy: walking a typical Costco, aisle by aisle, can cover anywhere from three-quarters of a mile to over a mile. Most people rack up between 2,000 and 3,500 steps without even trying. Go full commitment — every aisle, every endcap — and you’re pushing three miles.

Three miles. in air conditioning. With snacks. For me. And snacks for Magoo.

If I hadn’t been intercepted by a grumpy employee letting me know Magoo was not, in fact, welcome, I would’ve easily made it to the three-mile mark.

Walmart and the Southern California Ritual

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If Costco is a football field, Walmart is a corn maze. No clear path, no real logic, just turns that lead to more turns. We think we’re heading somewhere, but no. We just keep moving, aisle after aisle — Magoo sniffing like there are rats around every corner.

That is, until an employee yells at me. A kind neighbor sees me, steps in, and helps me wrangle Magoo into the cart with the rest of my items so I can still check out like a semi-functioning adult.

Shout out to a family member from the rainy Pacific Northwest, where logging steps between umbrellas and frozen pizzas is an art form.

The Mall: Where Cardio Goes to Retire Gracefully

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Then there is the original indoor track, the shopping mall. The problem in Los Angeles, though, is that we don’t have many indoor malls anymore. The ones we do have are either half empty, oddly quiet, or trying very hard to convince you they’re still relevant.

Still, if you can find one, it’s perfect. Long corridors. Air conditioning. Window shopping in the few stores that are open, with employees who beckon me to enter with Magoo.

We wander aimlessly, looping back without meaning to. We even take the elevator — completely defeating the purpose — but a thrill for Magoo. Or we just keep moving at a steady pace while the outside world bakes itself into a cautionary tale.

When Capitalism Becomes a Cooling Center

Yep. It’s a weird, bizarre workout induced by global warming. We’re not hiking through the Santa Monica Mountains or walking along the ocean. We’re circling piles of discounted goods under artificial light, turning consumption spaces into survival spaces.

And yet, it works.

We move. We avoid heatstroke. Our bodies reset. Our minds calm down. And Magoo — my hyper, hunting-bred German Shorthaired Pointer — finally gets the movement he’s been demanding all day.

And yet, there’s something deeply ironic about it — logging miles inside the square footage of capitalism itself. The very system that helped overheat the planet now offers refuge from it. Consumerism helped get us here, and now it’s where we go to cope.

Image by Author — Woof!

Where do you go to work out on hot, rainy, or snowy days? I’m curious.

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