Invisible Suffering— Shining My Own Light On the Mental Health Epidemic

You can notice a broken bone from far away, but mental scars are invisible to others until they accept them as truth.

Photo by Klara Kulikova on Unsplash

Greetings, dear reader.

Today, I’d like to write about something close to my heart.

The importance of having empathy and listening to others when they tell us about their inner world.

It can be the difference between life and death in the worst cases.

It’s easy for us to explain a broken leg. It’s easy for others to understand that we can’t move properly. It can be seen. Therefore, it’s easy for others to offer their aid.

The same cannot be said for what is in our minds and hearts. A broken heart cannot be seen. Trauma is often hidden, even from the one who carries it. Most battles are fought alone, with painful tears that others may not see.

These are no less damning or painful than a broken leg. No. I’d dare say, they can be even worse.

And yet, they cannot be seen. As such, there are a great deal of people in this world that will not believe you when you tell them, or they cannot, or will not understand.

As a result, the only option for most is to deal with it alone. As Herculean a task as that is.

That’s what it felt like for me most of my life.

Before I start, the takeaway.

Just because you can’t see something, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. A broken heart, depression, and all the worst conditions can exist for years without ever being seen by anyone.

So if someone tells you that they’re really hurt inside, take them seriously and listen well.

Don’t try to pawn off cheap advice, unless you’re experienced with their kind of pain. Treating mental health is serious. Just like a critical injury, treating it the wrong way because of ignorance can kill the person.

It’s like trying to throw oil on a fire to stop it from spreading: It might seem wise, because oil is a liquid like water. But oil, unlike water, is flammable. Throw it on a fire, and the fire will only get bigger.

In essence, saying the wrong thing to a person suffering from mental health issues is the same as throwing oil on a fire. Be wise, and use water or a fire extinguisher instead. (Just not at a person. That’ll cause more confusion than it solves.)

Wisdom will guide you right, where ignorance cannot.

I’m sure there are more potential takeaways, but without further ado, let’s begin with the story.

My personal story — my invisible battles

As I occasionally mention, mostly when it’s relevant: I am autistic, I have ADHD, and I’m very highly sensitive. I’ve suffered from deep sorrow and craved death since before I was 5.

I have trauma from all the years growing up, as I was never taught or allowed to be naturally myself. Only how others wanted me to be.

I could barely comprehend that. So I became a people pleaser who constantly lived in fear of being “cast out” if I did the wrong things.

As an autistic, my brain does not come “pre-installed” with the same understanding of “how I should act” around people. I’ve had to learn all of my people skills very manually. In so doing, often forced to hide parts of myself that are important for me to function.

Unlike the people with diagnoses who are very visibly diagnosed with something, I actually seem like a “normal” person, though.

On top of that, one of my autistic traits seems to cause my face to always seem calm to onlookers.

I can be panicking internally, and seem like the very picture of peace and calm on the outside.

Others would never guess I was suffering unless they know me really well, and some don’t understand, even if I explain deeply what’s happening.

On top of my internal struggles being hidden behind a mask, I’ve been told by a large number of people that I’m highly intelligent.

I actually have a high capacity for learning and figuring things out. That is true.

But I don’t know as much as others think I do. I’m not as fearless as they would believe. And even if I tell them that, I’ve ever had to wear the heavy mantle of “the one who remains calm and who figures things out.”

Because it’s what others saw, it became my burden to bear. My role.

Truth is? I have a lot of issues. A lot of scars.

And if I tell the right person? I receive comfort and understanding. Some have told me that they pity me because of the tons of weight I carry mentally. It’s hard to describe in words how weighed down I’ve been over the years. How alone I’ve felt. How safe I feel when someone finally gets me.

On the flipside, if I, however, try to tell a person who is unhealed ur unable to understand mental health… The pain multiplies because I get told all manner of ignorant things.

• Have you considered whether you need to be stressed about that?
• You’re thinking too much.
• You’re too sensitive.
• You shouldn’t feel that way!
• You have trauma? But you look fine!
• Just try!

All of these phrases are common. They seem harmless. Most often, they come from a good place, but a good place, they do not land.

I have been trying my whole life to just be “normal.” I’ve tried to be less sensitive, to not think so much. I’ve tried not to feel the way I do.

I’ve been told all of my life to “just do this, or just do that.”

Easy peasy!

I’ve tried it all before.

Just trying harder doesn’t work.

Trying to brute force mental health into submission is like trying to swim up a waterfall. You will be washed away, and you will be an idiot for trying.

Imagine if you will, a person who is crying their eyes out because someone they loved just died.

Imagine if you will that someone tells them to get over it, instead of offering empathy and understanding.

Imagine someone not understanding why they’re sad “when they have so much to be happy about in life.”

That’s me, and so many others, in a nutshell. We have real, deeply painful problems. And we get made to feel like they shouldn’t be problems, by people who don’t have them.

I will never be able to stop my brain from going 100mph when I’m in a rough spot. “Overthinking” is a natural state that I can only counter by taking myself seriously until it calms down.

Deep psychological stress or fear is a very, very difficult thing to carry inside. Even still, some would suggest “try not being stressed!”

W h y d i d n ‘ t I t h i n k o f t h a t?!?

It’s so damn painful and frustrating to open up to someone, only to be told. “Try not to feel that way.” As if it would remove that I feel that way.

It doesn’t help. It only shows me that I have to keep carrying it all alone.

If anything, with how many times I’ve been told such bullshit by people since my younger years, I started feeling broken, like I was wrong for being hurt. Like I wasn’t functioning properly.

Like I could never be anyone of value because I shatter like glass every time something happens.

But nope!

Deep suffering is a very natural response to the current world we live in.

My body is working exactly as it’s supposed to in response to a world that wasn’t made with our good health in mind.

I don’t write this article for pity. I write it for one reason:

I want more people to learn how important it is for people to take mental health seriously. That way, children of future generations might have a better fighting chance than I did when I grew up.

A better fighting chance than all the people who have killed themselves in the last few decades. I cannot honestly blame them.

I understand the kind of pain that would incite such an action.

If everyone I met had had even a little bit more understanding, I’m certain I would’ve fared better. Even if not everyone truly cares.

Our world teaches us to live in “this way or that”. All to preserve the systems we live in. We do need them… Or humanity would devolve into bloody chaos and carnage.

But we do need to rethink them, or how we interact with them, so that those systems live for us, not the other way around.

Last part: My words for readers who are suffering from invisible wounds, too.

So… If you’re someone who’s suffered through similar things? I feel your pain. At least, some of it. Even if I haven’t suffered through what you have… Your pain is no less valid.

No one can take your feelings away from you. They are natural. They are okay.

It’s okay to cry if you need to. It’s okay to not be okay.

Only when you allow yourself to feel, and accept your feelings exactly as they are, will they heal.

So, do try to take care. Don’t give up. The world needs those of us who can live to tell about it.

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