Tweens Versus Tycoons: IOC Considers Hobby Horsing for Summer Games

Furious traditionalists will beat a dead — or even a live — horse

Galloping toward the 2028 Summer Games. Image crafted in Canva by the sports writer.

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is considering replacing traditional equestrian events with hobby horsing at the 2028 Summer Games, to be held in Los Angeles, California. While polarizing, an IOC representative defended the decision, citing the somewhat niche sport’s unique combination of athleticism, imagination, and craftiness.

Hobby horsing — also known as stick horsing — has been steadily gaining popularity since its 2002 inception in Finland. Unlike traditional equestrian sports, it requires neither massive wealth nor elitist training. Most of its star athletes are preteen girls — a demographic rarely seen at the top tier of a sport.

While athletes riding pretend horses don’t technically hurt anyone, traditionalists feel threatened. “It’s been difficult enough facing all the outcry after I was caught on video overwhipping my horse in Paris,” said dressage gold medalist Charla Jardin. “And now to find out these giggling girls could replace my events in the next Olympics? Tweens on toy horses are clearly not in the same arena as true equine athletes like myself,” she scoffed.

The news also outraged racehorse tycoon Pierre Werthmore — aptly named, since he is “worth more” than most small nations at $24 billion and counting. “My family didn’t get rich off of luxury fashion, leather goods, and guns just to be lectured by PETA about hyper-flexing the necks of my thoroughbred horses,” he fumed.

Still on his high horse, he added, “The IOC will be backing the wrong horse if they choose stick-and-yarn-toting tweens over my empire of obediently dancing, performance-enhanced steeds.”

All of this controversy leaves a natural opening for dedicated hobbyhorsers to prance their way into the modern games. “Many people don’t realize the athleticism it takes to barrel race while holding a wooden stick between your legs,” explains hobby horse enthusiast Holly Lovewell.

She adds a bit of girlsplaining: “Our horses don’t need water breaks; no one gets shot if they break an ankle, and most of our craft supplies can be found at Michaels — or even Goodwill — for less than $25.”

If the IOC moves forward, Olympic glory may be closer than expected. All it takes is a sturdy stick, a glue gun, and the unbreakable resilience of a tween girl.

Note: Olympic medals may be replaced by “Best in Show” ribbons made of felt and glitter.

For more history about this sport, and how it nearly trotted into the 2024 Paris Olympics, check out Brian Dickens Barrabee’s story:

[embed]The Sport of Hobby Horsing No way you saymedium.com