POP THE PIANO MAN WILL PASS, THANK YOU

Top Songs Billy Joel Would Never Sing

He may go to extremes, but not this extreme

I’ve been thinking a lot about Billy Joel lately thanks to this documentary that I only get to see when I’m flying. Amazon Prime.

It’s not unusual for singers to play other people’s songs when they’re giving a concert. Weezer sings Toto’s “Africa,” Bonnie Raitt performs Rogers and Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma” and I once heard Billy Joel belt out “Kansas City” even if he did forget the intersection mentioned in the song (he got to the line “Gonna be standin’ on the corner” stopped singing briefly, then started a piano roll without saying, “Twelfth Street and Vine”). Despite those little, unexpected treats, there are some songs that each artist won’t play because they know their fans would turn on them.

Here’s a list of tunes that I expect the Piano Man wouldn’t touch with a collapsible 11-foot pole.

“Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift tries to shake off any comparison between her and Billy Joel. Wikipedia

“I stay out too late/Got nothing in my brain/That’s what people say, mm-mm”

Yes, he had to be a Big Shot, his friends were “so knocked out,” and they probably wished he hadn’t put his two cents in, but at least they didn’t think he was stupid.

“All About That Bass” by Meghan Traynor

“I got that boom boom that all the boys chase/And all the right junk in all the right places”

Um, yeah.

“Muskrat Love” by Captain and Tenille

“Muskrat Suzie/Muskrat Sam/Do the jitterbug at a Muskrat Land”

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Muskrat love may be contagious and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has asked the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to to remove it from its list of required vaccinations. Amazon.com

Putting aside the fact that Billy isn’t known for songs about animals, I just don’t see this with his piano work and the hard-driving beats he’s known for.

“Cool Change” by Little River Band

“I was born under the sign of water/And it’s there that I feel my best/The albatross and the whale, they are my brothers”

Well, yes, he did sing about fishing, but I don’t think this is quite what he had in mind.

“(You’re) Havin' My Baby” by Paul Anka

“You’re havin’ my baby/What a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me…”

To quote Nancy Reagan, “Just say ‘No.’” Ick.

“Brandy” by Looking Glass

“Brandy, you’re a fine girl/What a good wife you would be/But my life, my love, and my lady is the sea…”

The song that begs the question, is Brandy really a fine girl or just average? Amazon Music

Hardly. Billy Joel’s women “can kill with a smile [and] wound with their eyes.” They can “carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding” and are “so good with her stiletto, you don’t mind the pain.” Go ahead, sailor man, try that line on one of Billy’s heroines. Just remember, “She’s so good with her stiletto; you don’t even see the blade.”

Funkytown by Lipps Inc.

Won’t you take me to Funkytown?/Won’t you take me to Funkytown?/Won’t you take me to Funkytown?

Joel never needed to ask anyone for a ride. Hell, this is a guy who rode his motorcycle in the rain and drove through Bedford-Stuy alone, which only proves that he’s insa-a-a-ane.

W.A.P by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stalli

If you have to have it spelled out, you probably don’t want to know.

“Uptown Girl”

“Uptown girl/She’s been living in her uptown world/I bet she’s never had a backstreet guy/I bet her momma never told her why”

For starters, this piece of 50s-esque fluff is way too schmaltzy for the Piano Man because it’s a bit too…say what?…he not only played it, he wrote it? Really? Who knew? I’m guessing this is one of the signs that the end is near. …It was released in the 1980s? Are you sure?

Ok. I’m willing to concede the point, but if I hear him singing “Safety Dance,” I’ll know the apocalypse is nigh.

I could go on and add songs like “Purple People Eater,” but as Joel himself once noted,

“I am the entertainer, And I know just where I stand. Another serenader And another long haired band Today I am your champion, I may have won your hearts, But I know the game, you’ll forget my name, I won’t be here in another year If I don’t stay on the charts.”

I’m sure there are others. I asked some of my social media friends if they had any suggestions, but the only one I got was “Oops, I Did It Again,” but I’m open. If you write in with the suggestions, I’ll add the funniest ones to the list. And if you really, really like the Piano Man, check out HBO Max’s documentary on Billy Joel. It’s only six hours long.

Until then, show’s over. Nothing left to see here. Everybody go on home.

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