The great accident of 2012

That’s a lot.

I learnt a trick a while ago, it’s actually more of a technique.

I’ve learnt how to make a woman have a squirting orgasm just by using my fingers.

The great thing is, it works on about 90% of women and they squirt like a fire hydrant over and over again.

It’s amazing what you can learn from watching porn on the internet.

I had been seeing Honey for a few months and we had a pretty wild sex life, we had sex at the beach, on my balcony, she had even hired a topless girl to give me a massage while she was nude and was giving me a hand job.

We went out for dinner one night and we were discussing what we hadn’t done.

Me — “You know it’s Tuesday”

H — “Yeah and?”

Me — “Tuesday is anal day”

H — “What?”

Me — “Every Tuesday is anal day, that’s why it’s called anal Tuesday?”

This sort of juvenile conversation went on all night, me teasing her saying I can’t wait till we get home, because it was anal Tuesday, her replying “You wish”.

When we did get home we didn’t waste a lot of time, going down on each other and fucking.

We ended up in doggy style, then she stopped me, reached over to the other side of the bed and grabbed some baby oil.

She sprayed baby oil all over her butt and told me to fuck her in the arse.

I was only joking about it being anal Tuesday, I didn’t think she was going to take me seriously.

I slid into her arse, slowly at first until she relaxed and until the baby oil had lubricated both of us, then I built up some steam.

After a few minutes of doggy style, Honey wanted to change positions.

She rolled onto her back and placed a pillow under her arse, this raised her butt in the air a few inches.

I had never done anal in the missionary position before, but what the hell, I love trying new sex positions.

So I slid into her arse missionary style, with her legs way up in the air almost over her shoulders, this time she was really into it , bucking and moaning and pushing hard against me.

“Fuck I’m horny, fuck me, fuck me…” rather than pulling out of her arse and pushing straight into her pussy, I thought I would give her a finger fuck.

So my fingers went in, bouncing up and down and until I could feel the juices building up and pulling out just before she had an orgasm.

I did this a few times bringing her to the brink and then stopping.

Every time I stopped she called me a bastard.

Even though I was teasing her I could tell she was loving it.

“Are you ready to come?” she just noded.

After all the sexual talk over dinner, the anal thrashing and then bringing her to brink a couple of times with my hand I knew this was going to be big wet orgasm.

My hand started going like a jack hammer inside of her, it didn’t take long, her back arched and fluid came squirting out of her like a broken hydraulic hose.

The first gush, hit me in the chest, then the second gush reached down to her feet and all over the end of the bed.

From the noise she was making, I’m sure the neighbours must have thought my girlfriend was being attacked by a wild animal.

By the amount of pussy juice that was now dripping off me and judging by how wet the sheets were I knew it must have been a big orgasm.

After H settled down, we laid side by side, head to toe, almost in a 69 position but on our sides, so that I was looking straight up between her legs, watching the last of the fluid drip out of her cunt.

Maybe not that much.

She looked up and laughed at how wet we both were and how saturated the sheets were, “Oh my god that was amazing.”

Then I saw something on the pillow under her arse, I’m not usually lost for words, but I wasn’t sure what the etiquette was for this situation.

“Um…….. what is that?” as I pointed between her legs.

H looked down horrified, laying perfectly between her legs on my white but now saturated white pillow was a turd.

“ Oh no!” she stood up, grabbed the pillow and raced to the toilet, all I heard was a flush and then the laundry door open and the washing machine starting up.

Then I heard her rushing into the front room where our clothes were strewn.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving, I am soooooo embarrassed.”

“Don’t be stupid come back to bed.”

“No, I’ve got to go.”

Honey was half-dressed before I grabbed her hand and physically dragged her back into bed, she jumped straight under the sheets and hid her head in shame. I just laughed.

“It’s Ok it was just an accident.”

“That’s the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me”

I finally coaxed her out from under the sheet, still hiding her face in her hands.

Does anyone actually use this emoji?

She then explained to me that after the anal sex in the missionary position it must have loosened her up and then during the orgasm she just lost all control of her bodily functions.

It took me a while before I convinced her to stay and look me in the eye, after chatting for a while, we cleaned up and decided we would call it a night.

As H laid in my arms drifting off to sleep, I gently whispered in her ear.

“Can you smell that?….. this beds smells like shit.”