State Lawmakers Baffled As New ‘Biological Sex’ Bathroom Bill Fills Women’s Restrooms With Burly, Bearded Men

STATEHOUSE — Expressing profound confusion and a mounting sense of terror, state lawmakers held an emergency press conference Tuesday to demand how exactly a sudden influx of heavily bearded, broad-shouldered men began frequenting the Capitol’s women’s restrooms immediately following the passage of their new bathroom bill.

The legislation, titled the “Biological Integrity in Public Facilities Act,” mandates that all individuals use the restroom corresponding to the sex on their original birth certificate.

“We passed this bill to protect the sanctity of the ladies’ room, yet just this morning, I saw a guy named Hank — who drives a Ford F-150 and has a full lumberjack beard — washing his hands next to my secretary,” said State Senator Gary Thoms (R), the bill’s lead sponsor, visibly sweating as he wiped his brow. “He told me he was just following the letter of the law I wrote. This is exactly the kind of radical woke agenda we were trying to stop by legally forcing him to pee in there!”

Sources confirm that the Capitol’s female staff have spent the morning awkwardly navigating around muscular trans men who are apologizing profusely while waiting in line for the stalls.

“I just wanted to use the urinal in the men’s room like I have for the last fifteen years,” said 32-year-old local mechanic and transgender man Leo Harris, adjusting his backwards baseball cap while holding a pink hall pass mandated by the state. “But Senator Thoms’s security detail dragged me out by my collar, handed me a copy of my 1994 birth certificate, and escorted me into the ladies’ room. The line in here is taking forever.”

At press time, confused lawmakers were reportedly drafting a panicked amendment to the bill to keep men out of the women’s restroom, completely unaware that they would just be re-legalizing the exact thing they spent six months trying to ban.

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