midnight train.

Photo by Richard Tao on Unsplash

Sabi nila, never let go when you’re falling out of love. Kasi, that is a sign na your relationship might be the one you’ve been looking for.

Sana nakinig ako.

Or maybe, I never should’ve.

November 5, 2025

Dearest Chato,

I never knew when I started writing them, but as time passed by, it felt like this was my way of reaching out to you. As if we’re just sitting on our balcony with the coffee you have brewed this morning. You, sitting on the hammock we fought for noong nagshopping tayo for the apartment’s furniture. While me, sitting next to you, reading my book. I would read passages and share my thoughts habang makikinig ka sakin with that lovesick face of yours. Minsan nga, nahuhuli pa kita at magdedeny ka pa even though you’re clearly caught red-handed.

Although, I guess nothing ever lasts, right?

From morning kisses and impromptu dates, to cancelled reservations and apologies around midnight. As time went on, I held on to your promise that I will always be the home you’ll run into, na babawi ka sa susunod.

And bawi you did. You would send me flowers sa office, gifts, and favorite pastries on every missed occasion. And I was grateful for that. I will always appreciate your little things for that.

Pero bakit humihingi pa ako ng sobra? I started questioning myself: is it too selfish to yearn for your lover’s touch? The warm embrace before bed? Echoes of laughter in the kitchen counter before the sun starts to rise? The little glances in between breaks.

Why am I thinking this way?

You are perfect, the complete package, ika nga. Pero bakit may kulang? Dapat walang kulang.

Sana nga hindi kulang.

I wrote a hundred letters in my head looking for answers why; I disregarded ideas na dapat wala dun in the first place. Hanggang one day, while cleaning our living room, it dawned on me.

I fell, not deeper. I fell out.

A million apologies cannot replace the pain I will be inflicting you kapag nalaman mo ito.

You are too perfect for this world to see you writhe in pain, so I’m choosing to stay. Baka sakali, the world will awaken the deceased love I have for you. Baka sakali, this was all a nightmare and the woman I was from the start will be back.

I loved you,

Isla.