Let’s Watch, Retro Edition: Santa Girl (2019)

You can have a little elf racism. As a treat.

Every week, the While Rome Burns crew gathers round to watch a film of questionable content and give their two cents as it unfolds. This tradition goes back farther than the creation of our site, so when we’re feeling lazy, we dig into the archives for something we already watched and snarked over. What’s old to us is new to you.

This Week’s Film:

“People tend to lower their expectations when you hand out presents.”

What They Say This Movie Is About:

Santa’s daughter gets a chance to attend college for one semester in the ‘real’ world before heading back to the North Pole to fulfill her duties under her father.

What This Movie Is Actually About:

A socially inept nepo baby goes on a college rumspringa and has two guys vying for her affection all semester long. Who will she choose!?

Why This Movie Is Actually Good:

It really shows you the depth of effort between actors of experience. Folks in the film with at least some Hollywood history phone in their performances for the paycheck, and others play their part like the rent is due. Also, one of our favorite (and rarely seen) Bad Movie Night alums, Barry Bostwick, is here as Santa Claus. Is that good? It sure is, Timmy. It sure is…

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Plot Points By Point, With The Gang:

Our tale starts off in July with a young woman wearing elf ears, prepping a mug of hot chocolate. She announces herself as a “half-glass-full kind of elf”, and she has the prosthetic (aka: real) elf ears to prove it.

The gang is already off to a rough start.

The elf, appropriately named Pep, delivers the hot chocolate to Miss Cassie, a tired Millennial buried under the weight of a huge blanket and multiple world crises in the past few decades.

Someone is in that bed saying things, we know that much!

It’s not really clear what’s going on here until we see boots hitting the floor somewhere else. It’s Barry Bostwick and his entourage! Oh wait…no, he’s Santa Claus. And Cassie is his daughter.

Santa reminds Cassie that she’s going to inherit the family business someday…the business of delivering toys to kids and all that. But Cassie is bored. And tired. And bored and tired of everything. Too bad! They’re going to the Kingdom of Dentalia to attend a networking dinner with the Tooth Fairy. Santa makes an off-hand racist comment about all his elf workers and leaves Cassie to her complaining, which also includes making off-hand racist comments about elves.

Elf-cist?

Cassie sasses off to Pep for having the audacity to exist, but Pep’s checking her mail and they both realize it’s an acceptance letter to a college in “the real world”. Cassie has emotional whiplash from being excited and also realizing her pops has no idea she even applied.

Heather was asking repeatedly “Where the hell are we now?” throughout the film.

That evening at the networking dinner, we learn that Santa’s been a widow for many years and the Tooth Fairy’s thirsting for him. Except not really, her son “Larry Tooth Fairy” is just trying to hook them up so he can inherit their merged…corporation.

Santa Girl, with a dead Mom Santa.

Santa tells Larry to eff off and heads over to Cassie, only to realize she’s got a “I was accepted to college and didn’t tell you I even applied” look to her face. They have an argument because Cassie’s part of an arranged marriage to the son of Jack Frost, and they’re supposed to get married this Christmas Eve to merge the two corporations. Cassie protests over not getting a chance to experience life as a normie but Santa’s not hearing it.

Luke asking the questions we’ll never get the answers to.

The next morning, Santa has decided to hear it and lets her attend college, so long as she’s back in time for the wedding. We’re treated to a montage of Cassie trying on multiple outfits while pretending to socialize with humans. Yeah, I said humans because I forgot to mention, Cassie has magical powers.

Too bad, “Pompous Pilate” Luke. (just kidding, we love you)

Some time later, at Santa’s corporate office of Kringle Inc., Jack Frost bursts in throwing a fit about Cassie’s real-world [rumspringa](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumspringa#:~:text=Rumspringa%20(Pennsylvania%20German%20pronunciation%3A%20%5B,used%20in%20some%20Amish%20communities.) of “parties and dancing and shenanigans”. Santa cares as much as we do.

After Jack leaves, Santa calls Pep into his office and assigns her the task of being Cassie’s college roommate. Cassie freaks out at hearing about this because Pep is an elf, and by extension, Cassie is racist. Too bad, Pep’s coming with.

Kev: “Your mission, Pep: to pretend to be my daughter’s girlfriend.”

Santa, Cassie, and Elf head off to the real University of “We don’t have a name”, he hands Cassie a fat wad of cash and reminds her to keep a low profile, and poofs out of existence, causing a fat guy to drop his slushie.

The fat guy dropping a drink will unfortunately, become a bit.

As Cassie and Pep walk to get acquainted with campus, Cassie’s hit right in the face with a frisbee. A muscly-armed, blonde-haired blue-eyed Aryan boy named JR gives her a hand up and compliments her beauty. Cassie’s confused and awkward, but Pep shoots her shot and flirts with JR, to no avail. The gang looks at JR and agrees this could’ve been Luke’s alternate future:

Altered Future: Luke the Direct-to-Video Actor

Cassie decides JR is attractive, so she deliberately ditches Pep so she can hang/flirt with JR for the rest of the day, starting by going to the university bookstore together. They walk upon a mildly attractive man having trouble paying for his class books. Thinking nothing of it, Cassie throws the fat wad of cash at the cashier to pay for said books.

The gang realizes this Alternate Luke could’ve done better.

Deciding the bookstore meet/cute is over, JR asks Cassie about going on a date and promptly leaves without getting an answer.

Back at the dorm, Pep calls out Cassie for being a terrible person for ditching her. Cassie pulls her half-assed, clearly-racist-towards-elves apology and Pep sees right through it. Finally being real and relatable to Pep, Cassie admits that she just wants Pep to be a heckin’ normie and not try to be her servant or underling or wahtever. Pep agrees to respect boundaries, and they girl talk over JR and how perfect he is.

We watched this before ChatGPT became a thing. This movie’s script could absolutely be written by an AI now.

On the first day of school, Cassie fails to order a hot chocolate from the most miserable emo barista of all time, so she retaliates by buying everyone in the coffee shop a drink. The gang points out that all baristas are miserable and identical in film.

Honestly? Coffee shop lady is relatable.

This makes Cassie late for her first class, so she poofs inside the room, causing the fat guy from earlier to spill his morning slushy.

After class, Cassie learns about and is promptly fascinated by the concept of a smartphone. The bookstore lad spots her and introduces himself as Sam. Before he can get a flirty word in edgewise, the chad alpha JR arrives and invites Cassie to a college party. The gang notes how JR has strong Hayden Christiansen energy.

Socially-cucked Sam heads back to his dorm, only to be met by a creepy old man with glaring blue eyes. It’s Jack Frost, and he hires Sam to report in on anything Cassie does. As it turns out, Jack is collaborating with his son, JR (Jack Frost..Junior) to ensure that the marriage is a success. The gang is fixated on JR and this party.

At the college party, Cassie starts making friends, but spits her drink all over a girl’s face, having never consumed vodka before. Embarrassed, Cassie slumps outside on a swing. Sam spots her and gets maybe two sentences in before Alpha Chad JR arrives and apologizes for not being clear about introducing Cassie to alcohol.

On another day, Cassie’s studying and having a hard time understanding pre-calculus. Sam takes note and offers to tutor her. She agrees, but he also takes the opportunity to learn more about her. They start asking questions about each other, flirt mildly, and end the tutoring session.

A montage of daily life at college ensues — Cassie poofs into class with a slushy for the fat guy, flirts with JR and Sam, attends college bonfires, and even a Halloween Party. But she still isn’t actually dating either guy at this point. And it is indeed at this point, that Grizzz has had enough.

Grizzz = Chris, in case you were wondering. I don’t wanna photoshop the name “Grizzz” in there. Also, I’m Grizzz and I give myself permission to both speak in the third person AND use my real name out of laziness.

Some time in November, Cassie meets up with Sam and reveals she got an A- on her pre-calculus test. She wants to celebrate with hot chocolate, but Sam protests, because he’s getting mixed signals from Cassie. He likes her, but he knows she likes JR. Cassie, unwilling to spill the beans about her real life, tries pushing the topic aside, which sends Sam leaving in a huff. So she decides to spill some of the beans. It’s not clear if Sam believes any of it, but he and Cassie kiss anyway. He tries getting more info out of her, but she won’t budge, so he presumes she’s just messing with him and takes his leave.

Grizzz is spiraling.

That night, in the library, Jack Frost approaches Sam and demands a status update. Sam shares what he learned. Jack cackles and leaves.

The next day, Pep and Cassie can’t walk two steps without being laughed at or mocked by other college students, because someone apparently made memes about them being from the North Pole. Memes. MEMES! That’s the worst kind of mockery! JR figures Sam made the memes out of jealousy. When confronted about it, Cassie points out that Sam’s the only person who really knows the truth about her, and he admits he told someone what he learned. Hurt, Cassie ends their friendship.

Kev’s not wrong, the Elf lady is the only decent person here.

Three weeks before Christmas, Sam approaches Cassie with a peace offering of hot chocolate and a desire to talk. She gives him literally a minute. He swears he didn’t post the memes, but the old guy he talked to probably did. Through this convo, Cassie realizes Sam was being paid to spy on her and she freaks out (and rightfully so). In response to this breach of trust, Sam asks her out to the Winter Formal. She refuses and sends Sam away. Pep, having spotted Jack Frost sneaking around campus a few weeks prior, can tell Sam legit likes Cassie and that something weird is going on here.

Smash that Like Button, Destroy that Subscribe Button, and lay waste to the comment section!

Pep finds Sam playing pool and interrogates him about the mysterious old guy. She figures out it’s Jack Frost. Sam can’t believe any of the words he’s hearing but Pep insists to him it’s all true and real and that Cassie likes him.

At the Winter Formal dance, Cassie and JR cut a rug on the dance floor, impressing everybody with their amazing chemistry. JR admits his real name is Jack Frost, Junior and is the guy Cassie’s supposed to marry. So right then and there, he proposes to her.

Before she can answer, Pep and Sam burst in revealing all the shenanigans with Jack Frost Senior. JR punches Sam in the face so they fight it out. Cassie breaks up the fight with her rare use of magic powers and decides to head home, realizing this entire semester at college has been a farce. She demands JR propose to her again so she can accept and they can get this wedding over with.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve, and Santa checks in on Cassie, who’s in her wedding dress. He asks why she doesn’t smile anymore, pointing out that she hasn’t legitimately smiled since before her Mom died. He leaves, clearly concerned if this is the right move for his daughter and the family business. So, he puts Pep in charge and disappears from the grounds.

Note: Santa died on the way to his home planet

Back at the college, Sam’s alone on Christmas and Santa poofs inside the dorm room. He catches Sam up on everything and they go on a ride to talk things out, handing him the Frost x Claus contract to see if they can find a loophole to get out of this wedding. Santa also points out that Sam’s such a nice guy, because he’s been on the nice list every single year of his life.

Yeah, apparently stalking is okay!

Meanwhile, the wedding commences, and before the ahem leprechaun officiant can really get anything going, both she and JR admit they’re not into it. Santa and Sam burst into the wedding hall and call the whole thing off. Cassie admits she’s in love in Sam, but she doesn’t want to get married yet.

Jack Frost flips his lid about the contract breach, but Sam found a loophole, where the whole “Let’s spy on the future daughter-in-law” thing is a breach of contract.

Alas, this was years before Erin would arrive to give us excellent pointers on ways to drink away the memories of these films! (Note from Erin: I recommend Egg Nog for this travesty)

Santa makes a brief concession that capitalism is bad, and tells Cassie she can live her own life so long as she’s happy. Jack Frost tries to threaten Santa, so Cassie uses her magic to poof him in front of the wedding cake, falling face-first into it.

Sam and Cassie become an official couple, and Santa allows him to stay with them for a few days instead of being alone on Christmas. They kiss as Santa heads out to deliver presents. The end!

Should You Watch This Film?

Unless you’re a cinematography completionist for Barry Bostwick or Jennifer Stone, no.

Best Out Of Context Riff Of The Night:

That classic bit we all know and love!