ACTUALLY MADE MY DAD PROUDER THAN HE COULD HAVE EXPECTED.

had the wildest realization today. I was going through my closet organizing clothing. I realized one hilarious, yet important thing. I noticed that i’ve had most of my clothes now for over 2 years. un-heard of in pop culture. my socks are SOOO mismatched, and not because i’ve lost a bunch. these socks have been with me for probably the same amount of time, if not longer. the reason why they’re even mismatched is because the ones with holes are together. the ones without holes also dance. I LAUGHED my ass off so hard. Laughed because I am literally making due with what I have until I cannot be so poor (as a result of me being on this path of discovery).

AND MOST PEOPLE ALWAYS COMMENT HOW FLY I AM. 🤯

TEVYN + myself taken by hayley nicole

Then, my mind elaborated to the experiences of life i’ve had, from what they can decipher the past 4 years that we haven’t talked. To roll through the rest of my time in SoCal & then to Portland, being on this intense journey of life that’s given my ass experiences i’ll never forget.

LIKE FUCKING ON A GRASSY CORNER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

OR BACKPACKING THE PACIFIC TRAIL FOR 4 DAYS WITH THE HOMIE + TRYING L$D.

view from that hike. PCT spring 2017

Then it navigated to thinking what it’d be like from his perspective, to observe his son, who’s been breaking though every layer of restraint, continue to create a life lived. Lived full of destructive experience. Deconstructing the waves of generations past. Creating new. Every moment of every day, and source of wisdom heals the wounds of the past generations.

THESE WORDS BELOW ARE MY THOUGHTS FROM EXPERIENCING THAT REALIZATION.

That was such a profound moment. The moment I realized the <energy i am> ACTUALLY MAKES HIM PROUD.

All the wars that my mind has fought to protect & destroy me.

Always making “him” proud.

Always reach for the bar that’s way too high.

Always carry the weight of all expectations on your shoulders. But never forget, you’re too weak. you’re no man. Just the intelligence your artificial codes displayed into my brain’s computer.

WE ARE THE SELF-LOST.

Absolutely unaware of programming that’s painted our tombs.

Actually proud beyond any dreams .

“You’ve broken the tumultuous sea of family history, through the generations” he says.

we ONCE WERE the self-lost.

NOW, HEALING INTO THE SELF-AWARE

written by BXXXTY, 1/15/2019