On something called Casual

On something called Casual

Why do some connections stay with you longer than they should?

I’ve been having these thoughts lately if there’s something wrong with me, for the way I hold on to people, because why do I get so easily attached?

One small act of intimacy and suddenly, I’m consumed by it.

It lingers in my head for days, replaying over and over until it becomes the only thing I can think about. and that’s what confuses me the most, the thought that something so sincere and genuine to me feel so casual to someone else.., to you.

I have a hard time debating with myself that it shouldn’t be this way. It should matter more.

that when I kiss you, it’s because I want you, and I want you because I feel something. Though maybe it’s faint, maybe it’s only the beginning of something undefined, but still something. You mean something to me even before I let you close enough to touch me that way.

I lack the emotional detachment to let intimacy just pass through me without feeling something. In the same way as I could never allow someone lay a kiss on my lips just for the sake of it. Not for the fun, not for boredom, not even to fill a momentary void. That’s why, I keep asking myself, how do people do that so easily?

How do you kiss someone and act like it meant nothing? I struggle to make sense of it. How do you let someone like me touch you so intimately when you don’t even feel the slightest pull toward me? How do you kiss me and only walk away, like it was empty from the very beginning, numb, and forgettable.

This is exactly why I can’t do casual. I’m not built for the “touch me now, forget later” type of connection. I know myself too well. It stays with me then settles into my being, and I think that’s dangerous for someone like me who feels everything deeply.

The more I think about it, the more frustrated I become, because what hurts the most is the idea that maybe it never meant the same to you. Maybe you only kissed me back because you felt like you had to, and honestly, I think that would be the biggest insult of all.

don’t kiss me out of convenience.

don’t kiss me and feel nothing.

kiss me like you need me.

kiss me like you mean it.

I refuse anything half hearted.

so if you don’t mean it at all —

then please,

don’t kiss me.