DO IT YOURSELF

RFK Jr. Makes Health Care Affordable Again

Said Bobby, “Everyone should self-medicate. I’ve done it for years.”

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. “It’s a good thing laughter’s the best medicine, ’cause my ideas are a joke.” The Michigan Independent. Screenshot by Catherine La Grange.

During a press conference this morning at the Hubert H. Humphrey Building in Washington, DC, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., President Trump’s Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), announced some common-sense ways to make health care affordable. The following is a transcript of his remarks.

Good morning. Americans are worried about the cost of medical care and concerned that it may impact their health. President Trump gets it. No one is more impatient to make Americans healthy than the president.¹ Just last week he issued an executive order to replace “Get Well Soon” greeting cards with ones which say “Get well NOW or I’ll deport you to a SHITHOLE COUNTRY!!”

In that spirit, I’m rolling out a set of sure-fire ways to make health care affordable. I’m starting with one that’s based on the idea that “Consumers should play a role in the medical decision-making process.”² Effective today, people will play a role in administering anesthesia to themselves during surgeries. Here’s how it’ll work.

• During a surgery, the flow of anesthesia will be controlled by a parking meter beside the patient.
• Before the surgery starts, the patient will guess how long it’ll take. Then they’ll put just enough coins in the meter to buy the anesthesia they need.
• If they guess right, they’ll have minimized the cost of anesthesia.
• If they guess wrong and wake up during the surgery, no problem: they just plug the meter.

Said RFK Jr: “Like Liberty Mutual says in their TV commercials, ‘Only pay for what you need’.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

My proposals come none too soon. According to a business research group, “health care costs jumped almost 8% for 2025, the highest amount in more than a decade.”³ Yes, insurance cushions the cost. But the average “annual premiums for employer-sponsored family health coverage are $26,993,” which is six-percent higher than in 2024.⁴

Before starting the surgery, the doctor assesses the health of the patient’s credit card. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

Well today, I’m taking steps to reduce the costs of the following types of health care.

Vaccinations

It’s easy to lower the cost of vaccinations. Just lower people’s desire to get vaccinated. I’ve done that for years. I’ve declared that:

• Black people shouldn’t get vaccinated because they’ve got stronger immune systems than white people;⁵
• Jews shouldn’t get Coronavirus vaccines because they’re immune to Covid-19;⁶ and
• No one should get vaccinated because no vaccine is safe and effective.⁷

Granted, my assertions aren’t supported by credible evidence. I don’t care. My goal is to bring down the cost of vaccinations by making people afraid to get them. To that end, I’ve ordered the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to put the following warnings on vaccine packaging:

• The vaccine for hepatitis gives guys a case of ass-tightis;
• The vaccine for mumps makes semen come out in clumps;
• The vaccine for smallpox gives guys small cocks; and
• The vaccine for rubella makes men look like that “Ru” fella.

Drag Queen RuPaul. Said Vice President J. D. Vance, “That dude wears as much make-up as I do.” Photo by Dragapp on Flickr.

Infectious Diseases

Here’s an instance where I had an epiphany: the cost of treating infectious diseases can be reduced by keeping diseases from infecting people. I’ll start with syphilis because I know a lot about it. There was an outbreak ten years ago involving a wife, two girlfriends, and six groupies. Coincidentally, they were my wife, my girlfriends, and my groupies.

There were two theories as to why the women got infected.

1. The gals got syphilis by sitting on the same public toilet seat. Or they shared a tube of lip balm. Or they shared a vibrator. (Those were my theories.)
2. The gals got syphilis from me. (That was their theory.)

I think my theory was correct: people get diseases by sharing things. Since I’m the secretary of HHS, I get to turn my theory into policy. Therefore, I’ve ordered the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to tell people not to share someone else’s:

• Guyliner;
• Manscara;
• Bro blush;
• Boysturizer; or
• Beard lube.

I’ll add more items later. In the meantime, I’m just using ones suggested by Vice President Vance.

Said J. D. Vance, “Never borrow your bro’s boner bronzer. You may get a chancre on your wanker.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

Workplace Diseases

The best way to lower the cost of treating workplace illnesses is to keep workplaces from making people ill. Unfortunately, we don’t do that in the Trump Administration.

For example, Trump’s Department of Labor initiated an effort⁸ to kill a Biden-era regulation which protects “coal miners from inhaling dangerous, carcinogenic dust particles.”⁹ Mine owners will be able to get away with exposing “miners to twice as much toxic dust as any other worker in the country.”⁹

Yeah, Trump is making it easier for miners to get sick. But at least I’ve come up with an affordable way to help them get sick slower: crocheted face masks.

At my direction, the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health is offering miners free kits to make them. It contains everything they need: crochet hooks, stitch markers, row counters, a tape measure, a thimble, a yarn snipper, and five rolls of yarn in various colors. All a miner’s gotta do is choose a color, stitch a foundation row, build up the face panel, then sew elastic bands on the sides. The mask won’t keep coal dust out of a miner’s lungs. But it’s easier to wear than the first thing I thought of: tell miners to duct-tape a clothes dryer lint trap to their faces.

Said Bobby, “I believe a futile gesture is better than no gesture at all.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

Dental Care

In addition to making medical care affordable, I’m doing it for dental care. That may surprise you, what with my efforts to halt the fluoridation of drinking water. Thus far, I’ve:

• Ordered the CDC to stop advising communities to do it;¹⁰ and
• Urged state governments to ban it.¹¹ The ones in Utah and Florida have done so.²² Those in Alaska, Hawaii, Kentucky, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Carolina, Ohio, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas are considering it.²²

I’m doing this because I think fluoride makes kids stupider.¹² So-called experts at organizations from the American Dental Association to the U. S. Public Health Service disagree. They’ve determined that:

• There’s been a “dramatic decline in cavities since community water fluoridation started in 1945.”¹³
• There’s no credible evidence of “detrimental effects on neurocognitive development at the recommended level of water fluoridation.”¹⁴
• Dental problems multiply when communities stop fluoridating their water. For example, when Israel’s Ministry of Health halted fluoridation from 2014 through 2019, there was a “two-fold increase in the number of stainless-steel crowns and restorations of all types for [people of] all ages.”¹⁵
• If fluoridation stops in this country, incidences of tooth decay will increase “7.5 percentage points,” and the cost of treating it will be ~$9.8 billion over [the course of] 5 years.”¹⁶

I think the experts are wrong. They’ve been drinking fluoridated water and it’s made them stupider.

However, on the off-chance that people’s teeth will get worse, I’ve got a way to lower the costs of dealing with it: a DIY Dentures Kit. I’ve ordered the Health Resources & Services Administration¹⁷ to provide one to anyone who wants it. Each kit contains a:

• Small block of White Oak,
• Whittling knife with a three-inch carbon steel blade, and a
• Tube of Super Poligrip™ denture adhesive cream.

Said Bobby, “Don’t forget to sand your teeth after every meal.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

I’ve got two more ideas for making health care affordable. But though they’re promising, they need to be tweaked first.

Contraception

I realize contraception is reasonably affordable.¹⁸

• Condoms cost $0.50 to $2 each.
• The Pill costs $10 to $150 per month.
• A hormonal injection costs $30 to $100 every 3 months.
• A skin patch or vaginal ring costs $30 to $200 per month.
• A vasectomy costs $350 to $1,000.
• An intrauterine device costs $500 to $1,300 for the IUD and the insertion procedure.
• A long-acting reversible implant costs $600 to $1,300 for the rod and the insertion procedure.
• A tubal ligation costs $1,500 to $6,000.

I’ve got a method that beats rubbers.

1. A couple does the dance with no pants while they’re standing.
2. After they’re done, the gal stays upright for a while to let the guy’s baby gravy drain out.
3. Then she flushes out the leftover love custard by peeing.

I think steps One and Two make sense. Step Three obviously doesn’t. Trouble is, the guy who came up with it is a DOGE bro.¹⁹ Like most Elon Musketeers, he’s never gotten laid. All he knows about sex is what he’s learned from whackin’ his Kraken. (Which is ironic: when a DOGE bro gives himself a Hannity, he creates waste, fraud, and abuse.) As a result, the bro assumed that since his wiz and willymilk exit the same hole, female plumbing is the same.

I’ve explained to him how it’s different. He not only gets it, he says it’s brilliant. “Putting an amusement park entrance next to a sewage plant exit sounds like something Elon would do!”

Said Musk, “This is a great business model! It works whether a customer is coming or going.” Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

Childbirth

My other idea will make childbirth more affordable. The most popular pain relief method for women in labor is an epidural: an anesthetic injected into the spine to block nerve impulses from the lower half of the body.²⁰ It costs from $1,000 to $8,000.²¹

My method costs less. Ya don’t use an expensive injection to deal with the pain of childbirth. A woman just bites down on a stick between her teeth. That makes sense to me. However, my secretary (an actual secretary) suggested I ask guys how they’d feel if I made them use that method.

A test subject tries Bobby’s pain management method during a vasectomy. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

[1]: “Vance tries to thread affordability needle in Rust Belt”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2025/12/16/vance-tries-to-thread-affordability-needle-in-rust-belt-00693642

[2]: “Consumers-Directed Policies”, National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health, U. S> Department of Health and Human Services, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK53912/

[3]: “Business Group on Health Survey Reveals Almost 8% in Projected Health Care Trend for 2025”, Business Group On Health, https://www.businessgrouphealth.org/newsroom/news-and-press-releases/press-releases/2025-employer-health-care-strategy-survey

[4]: “2025 Employer Health Benefits Survey”, KFF, https://www.kff.org/health-costs/2025-employer-health-benefits-survey/#55d346a7-5bff-4d99-840c-a793b6a03320

[5]: “RFK Jr’s claim about Black people’s immune systems is ‘unscientific and terrifying’”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/feb/05/rfk-jr-hearing-black-people-immune-systems

[6]: “RFK Jr. says COVID may have been ‘ethnically targeted’ to spare Jews”, New York Post, https://nypost.com/2023/07/15/rfk-jr-says-covid-was-ethnically-targeted-to-spare-jews/

[7]: ”Transcript for Robert F. Kennedy Jr: CIA, Power, Corruption, War, Freedom, and Meaning”, Lex Fridman Podcast #388, https://lexfridman.com/robert-f-kennedy-jr-transcript

[8]: “Mine Safety and Health Administration, United States Department of Labor vs. National Stone, Sand & Gravel Association et al”, Appalachian Voices, https://appvoices.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/Document.pdf

[9]: “The Trump Administration Ramps Up Its War On Coal Miners”, In These Times, https://inthesetimes.com/article/the-trump-administration-has-found-a-sneaky-way-to-keep-killing-coal-miners

[10]: “RFK Jr. will tell CDC to stop recommending fluoride in drinking water”, PBS, https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/rfk-jr-will-tell-cdc-to-stop-recommending-fluoride-in-drinking-water

[11]: “RFK Jr. calls for end of fluoride in water, after Utah ban”, CBS News, https://www.cbsnews.com/news/rfk-jr-end-fluoride-water-utah-ban/

[12]: “RFK Jr., pushing curbs on fluoride, says ‘the more you get, the stupider you are’”, USA Today, https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/04/30/rfk-jr-fluoride-regulations-ban/83370136007/

[13]: “About Community Water Fluoridation”, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, https://www.cdc.gov/fluoridation/about/index.html

[14]: “Fact Checked: Fluoride is a Powerful Tool for Preventing Tooth Decay”, Fact Checked, American Academy of Pediatrics, https://www.aap.org/en/news-room/fact-checked/fact-checked-fluoride-is-a-powerful-tool-for-preventing-tooth-decay/

[15]: “The effect of cessation of drinking water fluoridation on dental restorations and crowns in children aged 3–5 years in Israel — a retrospective study”, National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39304948/

[16]: “Projected Outcomes of Removing Fluoride From US Public Water Systems”, JAMA Network, American Medical Association, https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama-health-forum/fullarticle/2834515

[17]: “About HRSA”, Health Resources & Services Administration, https://www.hrsa.gov/about

[18]: “How Much Is Birth Control Without Insurance?”, healthline, https://www.healthline.com/health/how-much-is-birth-control-without-insurance#varies-by-type

[19]: “The Young, Inexperienced Engineers Aiding Elon Musk’s Government Takeover”, Wired, https://www.wired.com/story/elon-musk-government-young-engineers/

[20]: “Epidural — Everything You Should Know About I”, American Pregnancy Association, https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/labor-and-birth/what-is-an-epidural/

[21]: ”How Much Does a Pregnancy Cost?”, GoodRx, https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/pregnancy/cost-of-pregnancy?srsltid=AfmBOorVk0Bh81EqPVLINXSfxN7n6PYt-uuTzs5127CaH0EnEBq4kUVp

[22]: “Get the Facts: What states have considered fluoride bans?”, WBAL-TV 11, https://www.wbaltv.com/article/what-states-have-considered-fluoride-bans/64855417