Dear Diary

Saying ‘No’ to Friends

Photo: Red Zeppelin on Unspalsh

Dear Diary,

I caused someone distress. I think I did. Or am I taking accountability for things I shouldn’t? I have told myself not to, told myself that I will be accountable for my own feelings only. Yet, I find myself accountable for every little fluctuation in someone else’s voice too.

As an emotionally sensitive child, you have been my secret keeper. You know how those conversations I smiled in did not sit well with me. You know how much it unsettled me when they talked about someone they shouldn’t have.

You know of my secret tears and my guilty pleasures.

And, you know the efforts I have taken to mold myself around the person I hope to become, projecting what I want to be, hiding what I ought to be.

The person I ought to be hesitates a thousand times. The person I want to be says ‘no’ and takes full responsibility for the consequences. But if the consequences are making a friend sad, what then?

I made someone sad because I gave them a ‘yes’ and then a ‘no.’

It so happened that I knew the rainy condition of the city better than my friends, who planned to head out to enjoy the weather, terrible and stormy but windy and breathtaking, all at once.

Seduced by the promise of merriment, splendid company, good food, and loud singalongs in the car, I said yes.

Then reality crashed into me.

It was flooded, clogged, and dirty everywhere. People were breaking traffic signals, driving on the wrong side, rushing to cross when they should slow down.

The muddy destinations, the threat of landslides, and the never-ending drizzle added to the chaos. I had waddled my way through all of them just a day before.

The fickleness of my decision, the ‘yes’ that turned to a ‘no’, made me sensitive to those I was rejecting.

For once, I wasn’t accommodating of their plans, unwilling to carry the burden of mental exhaustion for half the day, when I had done it for them before on shorter notice. But I was listening. Was it my imagination, or did her responding ‘okay’ sound too small for her big, persistent personality?

Did I bring that upon myself? Yes. Could I have avoided it? No. Did I regret it? Also, no. Did I feel bad about disappointing her, letting her down? YES!

That uncomfortable feeling of letting down a good friend stayed with me. But I would rather brew in its agony than drag me and my family through the metal torture of combing through a bad city condition for my pleasure at the expense of my family’s mental peace.

It was a tough decision. In the larger landscape of life, it was nothing, but today it meant something.