My Official Job Title Is Certified Sex Swing Tester

Someone has to do it. I do it for the people.

I got a shirt made. It says CERTIFIED PRODUCT TESTER across the front in serious capital letters, like the kind of credentials that belong on a lanyard at a medical conference.

My husband has one too. He volunteered for his. Enthusiastically. Without being asked. The man completed the intake process before I finished the sentence.

Welcome to the most glamorous job you’ve never heard of.

The Glamour Is Real and I Will Not Hear Otherwise

I want to address something directly: yes, this job is exactly as glamorous as it sounds.

We test swings in hotel rooms with views of state capitols. On Airbnb balconies in Guatemala while an actual volcano erupts in the background. In the Arizona desert, because when there are no trees and no neighbors for miles… a stand works perfectly fine and who is going to see? In resort rooms in Orlando, which yes, is technically a children’s destination, and no, that did not stop us.

We test positions. We test mounting configurations. We test what a swing actually feels like after an hour versus the first five minutes, because those are completely different experiences and both matter.

Somebody has to do this research. I do it out of an almost painful sense of obligation to my customers. It is a burden I carry with tremendous grace.

My husband has never once complained about his role in the process. Not once. I have had to tell him to please contain his enthusiasm while I make notes.

Why I Do It: The Diagnosis

There is a condition affecting couples everywhere. It has a name: repetitus.

Repetitus is the slow creep of routine into your bedroom until you are doing the same three things in the same order on the same schedule and calling it a sex life. (You can read more about this very real and very treatable condition at repetitus.com, where we take it very seriously.)

I test sex swings because I am, at my core, a healer. A healer of bedroom boredom. A healer of the Tuesday Night Same Thing Again routine. A healer of couples who have been meaning to try something new for three years and just needed someone to make it easy for them.

That someone is me. In my shirt. With my clipboard. And my husband, who needs no begging to clear his schedule.

What Actually Gets Tested (Because It’s Not All Volcano Balconies)

Here is where the real work happens, and I say this without a single drop of irony: testing a swing properly is genuinely technical.

Comfort is not obvious. A swing that looks padded can still have straps that dig into the backs of your thighs within ten minutes. Some buckle designs create pressure points in positions that didn’t feel like positions until you’ve been in one for a while. We review every swing honestly, and the ones that didn’t make the cut didn’t make it for a reason. We found out the hard way so you don’t have to.

Range of motion is not assumed. A single-hook swing, for example, will never adjust high enough to do a vertical 69 position. This is not an opinion. This is geometry. The arc of movement a single hook allows versus a dual-hook system is a completely different range, and nobody tells you that in the product description. I know because I tested it. My husband assisted. He remains available.

Neck support is the one everyone ignores until they hate the swing. In most reclined swing positions, the person lying back has no natural place to rest their head. Which means their neck is working the entire time. After about three minutes this is no longer romantic, it is a physical complaint. The headrest on the Screamer exists because I have used swings without one and I know better. It is standard on every swing at sexswing.com. This is not an upsell. It is a gift you will thank me for.

Spring dynamics are the unsexy-sounding thing that matters most. The spring is a dampener. Without it, every movement sends a shock load directly to your mounting point. I have personally watched a stand rated for 300 pounds fail under a 100-pound woman because the spring wasn’t being used. Lighter people move faster and generate sharper impact loads, not lighter ones. We know this because we broke the stand on purpose, to understand exactly why.

This is the job.

The Yoga Swing Incident (A Case Study in Thorough Testing)

I need to tell you about the afternoon I got trapped in a swing in my own shop.

The yoga swing has a different mechanical system than a standard swing: the straps slide rather than attaching at fixed points. Push down on the handles, the stirrups go up. Push on the stirrups, the handles go up. It’s elegant in theory. In practice it requires a specific sense of balance that I did not have the afternoon I decided to test it alone.

I got stuck. Fully clothed, completely off-balance, unable to get upright. I screamed for help.

The person who rescued me from the sex swing was my mother-in-law.

I include this story because: (1) it is as funny now as it was when she helped maneuver me out, (2) it is genuinely useful information about that product’s learning curve, and (3) it is a reminder that certified does not mean infallible. It means committed. I got back in that swing the next day and figured it out. My husband helped. He was already there.

The Collection

We have photos of the full swing collection. All in one place. It looks exactly like what it is.

Each product in that room has a testing history. The ones that didn’t make the cut have stories too: the strap that looked sturdy and wasn’t, the buckle design that created a pressure point after twenty minutes, the spring that wasn’t rated for dynamic load, the swing that had technically correct range of motion but practically speaking could not do what it claimed.

The ones that made it held up. Under real use, extended testing, and the kind of enthusiastic participation that my husband brings to every session whether I need a second opinion or not.

So Yes. Certified.

Nobody issued the certification. I issued it myself, which I think actually makes it more legitimate, not less. Nobody knows this product category better. Nobody has done the research across more products, more positions, more mounting configurations, more hotel rooms with interesting structural features.

The shirt is accurate.

If you are suffering from repetitus, or from bedroom boredom, or from having a swing in a box in your closet that you haven’t gotten around to yet… the cure is at sexswing.com. Videos on setup, positions, and everything in between are on the YouTube channel. And if you have questions, I answer them personally.

It’s what I do. For the people. Out of an almost saintly sense of duty.

My husband agrees. He said so this morning. He was very enthusiastic about it.

Madam Ang | madamang.com