We Almost Called Off the Wedding(3) The Fate of Males

Chapter 1: The Proposal — Where Marriage Begins

Around 2020, when the COVID-19 pandemic drastically reduced opportunities for people to meet, social life came to a near standstill. Friends could no longer gather for nights out at clubs, and casual social events for working professionals were largely restricted. Today, large-scale matchmaking events with dozens of participants are common for people looking to meet potential partners. Back then, however, not only matchmaking events but also clubs, bars, and festivals had virtually disappeared. For a single person hoping to meet someone new, opportunities were scarce. Adding to that my own contrarian belief — “Why should men always have to make the first move?” — meeting anyone felt especially difficult.

With few alternatives, I turned to Netflix and began watching whatever caught my interest. At the time, Netflix was producing a growing number of original programs thanks to its rapidly expanding subscriber base. One of them was a documentary series called Night on Earth. Unexpectedly, it addressed a question that had been on my mind: Why do men so often have to initiate courtship? Watching it made me wonder whether this was not merely a human issue but a shared destiny among males across the animal kingdom.

One example that stayed with me was the White Lady Huntsman Spider. Found in Australia and New Zealand, this spider measures only about 1.5 to 3 centimeters in length, yet males travel more than 400 meters through the night in search of a mate. It is a perilous journey, one that exposes them to countless dangers. Along the way, they may encounter rival males competing for the same female. If they lose, they must retrace the hundreds of meters they traveled and begin again. It resembles an unspoken contest between two men pursuing the same woman.

Lizards are not much different. After sunset, male lizards venture out and sing elaborate serenades while trying to avoid predators. They are not alone in doing so. Numerous males compete simultaneously, each raising his voice in hopes of being chosen. Females move toward the most impressive calls, but even after arriving at a male’s territory, they may turn away if he fails to meet their expectations. Only if both his appearance and his performance are appealing will she stay.

The documentary reminded me of a famous example from Charles Darwin’s On the Origin of Species: the male peacock. Its extravagant tail is hardly useful for flight and makes it more visible to predators, yet it evolved as a courtship display. Female peacocks often choose males with the most striking tails, even though those feathers offer no direct survival advantage. Darwin argued that such traits persist because females prefer characteristics that signal strong genetic fitness, thereby increasing the likelihood of producing successful offspring.

Spiders, lizards, humans — the pattern seems remarkably consistent. Across species, males take risks, compete with one another, and offer displays or gifts in hopes of winning female approval. Perhaps this is simply part of the male condition. Of course, modern relationships are more varied. Women often make the first move, exchange phone numbers, or initiate romantic relationships. Some women even propose marriage to their partners. In bars and clubs, it is increasingly common for women to start conversations first. The traditional boundaries have undoubtedly blurred. Yet in most cases, males still find themselves initiating the process, driven by a desire to earn the attention and affection of females.

Both Night on Earth and Darwin’s On the Origin of Species softened my resistance to that reality. They helped me accept, at least to some extent, that males often play the role of initiator in courtship. Even so, there are still people abroad who view certain aspects of Korean proposal culture with curiosity.

In March of last year, The Wall Street Journal published an article titled “A Costly Obstacle Before Marriage: The $4,500 Proposal.” The piece examined Korea’s elaborate proposal culture. According to the article, “Koreans enjoy proposing in luxurious hotel suites accompanied by designer handbags,” and “the trend toward expensive proposals is placing pressure on couples.” One Korean interviewee told the newspaper, “Everyone prefers a hotel proposal. It’s every woman’s dream.”

The article concluded by noting that South Korea’s marriage rate had fallen to a record low and argued that lavish hotel proposals, while popular, do little to encourage marriage and instead add financial pressure to couples. Even in the United States, often regarded as the heartland of capitalism, such extravagant proposal rituals can seem unusual.

In America, engagement rings vary enormously in price. Depending on a couple’s circumstances, some people propose with a $20 imitation diamond ring purchased on Amazon. More commonly, however, engagement rings cost between $4,000 and $8,000. Prices and diamond sizes differ according to personal taste and financial circumstances, making the situation not entirely different from Korea.

Japan, a country that often feels both close and distant to Korea, is also seeing changes. Last year, Nikkei reported that more couples are replacing traditional engagement rings with necklaces, wristwatches, or even shares in a home. In Japan, as in the United States and the United Kingdom, there was once a popular belief — originating from a diamond company’s marketing campaign — that an engagement ring should cost the equivalent of three months’ salary. Today, however, many Japanese couples are choosing practical gifts over expensive rings that are rarely worn.

Much may be changing, but one thing appears remarkably constant. Whether among humans, spiders, lizards, or peacocks, it is still most often the male who takes the first step, offering a signal, a gift, or a gesture in the hope of being chosen.