Conversations With A Cheater

A new essay from Zimbabwean Valerie Tendai Chatindo

Conversations With a Female Cheater: It’s Not About You!

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this essay are not the author’s. A couple of months ago I met a charming gentleman who was honest. He told me that whenever conflict came up in his relationships, his coping mechanism was cheating. I found that odd until I had a conversation with a friend of mine who admitted to having the same habit. I wrote this for people who blame themselves for being cheated on.

Conversation 2: The Cheat

Why do you cheat?

It almost becomes like a game you know.

Cheating.

It’s fun and exciting. There’s just something about it that’s addictive. It’s this ability to go out into the world and test the waters. To see whether you can hypnotise another being with your charms. It becomes a game in a sense where you engage in the behaviour simply out of habit. You don’t cheat because you are unhappy and dissatisfied in your relationship, I mean sure there are people who use that as an excuse but the truth is that people who have an inclination towards will always cheat.

Excuses aside.

People cheat because they are cheaters just like they rape because they are rapists.

To the person cheated on, just know it’s rarely about you.

So are you saying that there aren’t things that push someone towards cheating?

Listen. Relationships are tough and the truth is that if you are looking for a reason to cheat you’ll always find one. Excuses are always in abundance. Someone can say they cheated because you don’t dress well, aren’t fit, don’t cook, don’t provide, you’re argumentative, you aren’t respectful. I mean the reasons are countless but let’s be real. That’s not why we really cheat. We ourselves aren’t perfect as cheaters. When we are caught we use these reasons as a means to justify our behaviour but they aren’t the real reason.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t make an effort in their relationships. Be your best self not just for the next person but for you. Take care of yourself, be pleasant, smell good, argue less. However you’ll still find a partner who is perfect on paper but has a cheating spouse. Beautiful women, handsome men who get cheated on.

If you aren’t happy in a relationship then leave. Once you start the cheating game you won’t be able to stop.

How would you react to being cheated on?

I’d be devastated.

People who cheat hate to be cheated on just as we hate to be dumped over cheating. Being caught is embarrassing and we hide that embarrassment by acting callous. The misconception is that we are callous and don’t really love the people we are with. I have cheated on people I really love and when they broke up with me I was hurt.

It sounds hypocritical but that’s just how we honestly feel.

Some people would say we want to have our cake and eat it too. My response to that is

…doesn’t everybody?

Valerie Tendai Chatindo is a biochemistry graduate, writer and communications consultant. She’s a regular contributor for The Kalahari Review, Enthuse Magazine, The Diplomat Zimbabwe and EarGround. Her work has also appeared in Pink Disco Magazine, Creepy Pod, Agbowo, Argyl Literary Magazine, The Afterpast Review, Whisper House Press, Omenana, Efiko Magazine, Writer’s Space, and Literary Yard. Her short story “Sheba,” was shortlisted for the African Cradle African Heroines literary prize, and her pieces were featured in Povo Afrika’s Nehanda Reimagined anthology. Her debut novel Mono: Tales of The Tapa Kingdom is shortlisted for the Iskanchi Book Prize. The thirty-year-old resides in Harare, Zimbabwe, with her cat, Muffins. She runs her own Literary Platform, Shumba Literary Magazine.