How I Stepped Back From Trying to Keep Everyone Happy

A brilliant, wise lesson learned from nature

Photo by Jorik Kleen on Unsplash

Ancient sages urge us to let go and stop trying to control life. We hear their advice but often forget it amid daily stress, drama, and the urge to manage everything, even others’ reactions. If this feels familiar, you know it’s exhausting.

That constant need to think ahead and plan coping strategies is stressful. For me, it was only after many years, decades in fact, that I realised trying to keep everyone happy made my life difficult.

The flash of insight happened when I noticed how differently things turned out when I let go, as I had with a stunning clematis in my garden, allowing it to thrive without interference.

That clematis is at least 20 years old. Maybe even 30. I don’t know. It was growing before I moved in, and continues to bloom year after year. But only in recent years did it erupt in a wild flourish.

Magnificent flowers appeared, the size of saucers, or larger.

They swayed in the breeze, attracting the attention of onlookers and bees alike, who stopped to admire them. Each day I stepped outside my front door, wide-eyed and amazed to see a few more blooms adding to nature’s superb arrangement.

“What’s your secret?” My neighbours, passersby, and even drivers who stopped their cars and lowered their windows asked.

Pausing, I considered what I’d done differently. The truth was, I’d done less than usual.

I’d stepped back and let the clematis do its thing unattended. There was no special feed, no pruning, no weeding. With the exception of watering it when dry, I left it alone.

The results perplexed me.

Then I saw I had done something different after all. I’d left it to just be itself, trusting that it had the power to unfurl and flourish without me fussing around its roots and leaves or spraying its petals.

The stunning, gorgeous clematis taught me a life lesson I haven’t forgotten; sometimes, you need to leave everything alone. Worrying and trying to ensure no one gets upset doesn’t always help. It can hinder growth.

Most importantly, asserting too much control stresses you out and takes up your mental and physical energy.

Whether you're the family peacemaker or you see yourself as the one who maintains harmony wherever you go, you probably understand what I’m saying.

You water down harsh comments between your siblings, ensuring they stay pals. You explain that someone else’s harsh words were actually kindness in disguise, or understandable because the initiator was having a hard day. And you suggest ways everyone can feel good and meet their needs.

You’re like a traffic controller, only you direct people, not cars.

This spring, the clematis continues to thrive. The splendid blossoms attract attention. I suspect that leaving them be made the biggest difference, and I’m applying this idea elsewhere in my life.

Photo by BeQa shavidze on Unsplash

Remembering the notion came in handy recently. I knew an upcoming conversation would be tense, and I was tempted to plan what to say and how to manage people’s reactions.

Recalling my childhood, when I took on the peacemaker role both at home and elsewhere, helped me see how these habits began. Back then, I thought smoothing things over was a skill. But eventually, I realised it was just another way of trying to stay in control.

I’m fortunate to have a calm demeanour, but I’ve wondered whether my need for peace comes at a cost. Smoothing every conversation was a lot of effort. Quitting my habit helps, especially when I see it’s okay to let go and let people fall out if that’s where they are heading.

It’s not ideal.

But it’s not my job to keep everyone happy at every turn.

Maybe you, like me, became a calm influence in childhood.

Children adopt roles. My go-to habit was to counter a disruptive sibling by easing conflict. My sister had tantrums while I paved the way for harmony.

These behaviour patterns are survival tactics.

Once you adopt your childhood role, caregivers reinforce it. They nurture its growth without realising it. Sometimes, they initiate the role, and you accept it.

We carry the behaviours into adulthood, often unconsciously. It’s hard to spot your role, since it feels familiar like your arms and legs. It’s part of who you are.

Others notice it, and you see theirs sometimes, too. But you rarely see yours.

Watching the clematis one day, I thought again about letting go. I’d believed I’d got the hang of it, but I still found myself orchestrating and planning outcomes in my life.

Letting go of ingrained behaviours is tough. It’s a case of two steps forward, one step back. You need to relearn lessons.

I said pleasant things to soothe troubled waters and help people get along, even when it was hard going. If a pal offended another, I’d explain they didn’t mean it when they did. If a family member upset another, I eased the fallout.

This careful smoothing is hard to keep up once you know the relief of letting it go.

When you realise you can leave life to be whatever it will be without struggling to change it, and that everything will be okay, you feel better about relinquishing control.

“Okay” doesn’t mean everything will be perfect or challenge-free. It means you accept that others will manage whatever unfolds. You recognise that even without your intervention, life carries on and often turns out just fine.

People will resolve their differences or not. Like the clematis, they are capable of handling life and might flourish as a result.

Trying to control people’s well-being takes away their power and prevents them from having necessary life lessons.

Sometimes, we think we’re being kind when we attempt to manipulate circumstances to make people happy, when really, we’re interfering.

Peace-making can be a form of well-intentioned meddling!

Today, I admired those humongous clematis blooms and saw a passerby stop to stroke the petals. The urge to dash outside and politely ask them to stop, in case they damaged the plant, whirred within.

But I resisted, recognising I was overreacting.

The touchy-feely passerby beamed a smile as she turned and spotted me. She let go of the flower, and it naturally sprang back into place unharmed.

Once again, Mother Nature reminded me to let go.

Perhaps my story has raised a few thoughts for you and your life. Are you a peacemaker? Maybe you play a different role, and you just stopped to consider what it might be and how it affects you. And how it impacts others.

As summer approaches, I’ll check the clematis isn’t dry now and then. I will ensure it doesn't trail over the fence. But, apart from that, I intend to leave it alone and do likewise when circumstances that aren’t mine to fix arise.

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