The Midyear Deluloop

The Midyear Deluloop

I am in so much angst over this. I thought I was perfectly content in my singleness. I had accepted that there were no new people to meet for now, especially in the food web of my city. It was fine. I was fine.

I had been avoiding all the love and romcom things to not feel all the things. Then Off Campus dragged me in and I was yearning again. The idea of a Garrett and all that nontoxic masculine energy. Ughhhhh.

Then it seemed like it was aligned.

First, I switched my yearly necklace to a cute heart. Because it was cute. I didn’t think of it as anything at the time, I just liked it

Then my friend who I made a pact with gave birth. She has since distanced from me for reasons I don’t understand. But when we were good and she was rooting for me, we had this joke/pact that she would have a child when I would meet someone. Because by the time that relationship would develop into a wedding and marriage, that child would be old enough to walk down the aisle with me as a flower girl or ring bearer.

My bench was mostly cleared. Save for the obvious red flags that I avoid, anyone I’ve ever been in any sort of “relationship” with is either in a serious relationship or married. So my roster of drunk texts doesn’t exist anymore.

And then youapproached me. Organically. A colleague but not really? Taller. 5 o’clock shadow. Intellectual. Tagalog. My type completely. My eyes roll at the thought of our first encounter. Well, technically, our first encounter in person was you insisting on paying back the cash you borrowed from me. Another green flag. You insisted on paying me back even if I said it was fine. Then somehow after dinner, we ended up talking again. In the chaos of it all, I don’t remember how it happened but I never would have approached you first so I’m fairly confident it was you when you asked me if we had met before because every time you saw my name on zoom, it was familiar. We tried to find out if we had any mutual friends and somehow our only mutual friend not only had a similar name as you, he was also my biggest crush in med school. You asked me if I changed my name because I was married. I remember laughing and emphasizing I was very single. I joked that maybe we had met in a past life. You smiled and said “Fair”. Gosh, I hate how I know you say that so often. I wasn’t interested at all yet so the exchanged made me uncomfortable so I said I had to go because my ride was leaving me and made a very ungracious exit.

When I saw you 2 days later at our big work event, you were already pinging in my brain but I was too focused on work to think about it. I remember thinking it was so sweet of you to bring boxes pastries for the team and felt guilty that it had largely gone untouched so I made the effort to make sure at least one of the boxes went around. Then I went to you to introduce you to my friend that we had talked about prior. I was impressed that you remembered because when I approached you, you asked about him immediately because you wanted to meet him before you had your class. I made the quick introduction then got pulled into doing a million other things.

After the event, we all hung around the venue for the egress and you kept offering a ride to the team dinner. I remember wanting to ride but didn’t want to show any interest, because the strong independent woman in me was resisting everything and I had things to do so it didn’t also make sense logistically. That and I knew an older colleague of ours was also interested in you so I wanted to give way at the time. I put the thought to bed and went on about my day.

At dinner, the first thing I heard when I arrived was that the first round of drinks was on you. I think they sat me at the same table as you but in the chaos you were nowhere near me to converse. I remember spotting your tattoo sleeve in the distance and wondering about it. I largely ignored your presence and went about myself, largely oblivious to you. After dinner, I got restless and left the restaurant to walk around the mall until I was called back because everyone was already moving to the dance club for a birthday celebration. I quickly returned and amongst the crowd you called me over and said you told our mutual friend that we met. I told you that he messaged me earlier congratulating me about our event. You said you couldn’t join at the dance club because you had work to do and asked me to tell the birthday girl. Then you smiled and said “Message me.” I agreed and left. Largely uneventful in my brain at the time. I moved on and had a great night. When I went home buzzed from the alcohol, it occured to me to “drunk text” you. That was one of my favorite flirting moves because I knew I could always take it back in the daylight and blame it on the alcohol. However, I decided I was a mature independent woman and there was no reason to do that so I didn’t.

The next day, I was with the team checking out of the hotel and wrapping up, and apparently the chemistry between us was palpable and this fed into the chaos in my brain. I tried to ignore but the next day I couldn’t get you out of my mind.

As I settled into bed 48 hours after our last encounter, the memory of you continued to linger in my brain. I took a sleeping pill to settle in and decided I would send you a message. A sober drunk text. I hated the idea of messaging first but a guy friend once argued “A strong independent woman also knows what she wants and goes after it” so I did. “So nice to meet you in person, hit me up if you’re ever in my city.” Short. Casual. Friendly. Nonchalant. I was pleasantly surprised that you replied right away. I let the sleeping pill take me away and saved your reply for the morning.

You were surpisingly chatty and consistent. I had already been warned what a terrible replier you were. And yet you were conversing with me. Admittedly, I resisted the urge to reply to you immediately as I was on vacation anyway but because I also hate the game of matching the amount of time it takes for one to reply, I simply replied when it was most convenient to me. In hindsight, I learned so much more about you than you did me but it was fine. It looked like we were headed in the right direction.

Granted, I was in your city for a few hours and you made no interest of meeting up. I ignored it as a sign of lack of interest. Messaging when you could was enough. Because it was still early. Or so I argued to myself.

I flew back home and settled back to my normal routine. You were still virtually around. Busy but present. I was becoming familiar to your texting routine. It was different but it was fine. Approaching the 1 week mark made sense. The deluloop was definitely in full swing. I was looking forward to a better conversation over the weekend like previously. I already had plans if you wanted to watch a movie on teleparty with me. And in a month I would be in your city again and we could have an actual date maybe.

And then you didn’t. You disappeared from the weekend completely. And my dopamine crashed. You resurrected Monday night. I replied on Tuesday morning and that was the end of that. I chased the dopamine with one meme then a couple of work-related messages which you acknowledged briefly but that was the end of it. And it took about 2 weeks for my dopamine to regulate again. Ughhh. Then when your Instagram showed up on my suggestions, I had one of the worst spirals I’ve had in a while. I cringe at the thought.

I want to understand. I know I don’t have to but I do. The truth of the matter is you’re not interested and that should be enough. But it’s not. and I hate it so much.

The current deluloop is that we will meet again someday where we will be based in the same city and can actually date. Or I’ll run into you on Sunday and you’ll realize you should pursue me. Or if/when I give you the gin we talked about, we can start again.

Honestly, I still want you but I deserve more. If you ever wander back into my life, it has to be with a big apology, an explanation, and maybe a grand gesture. Coffee with almond milk to the clinic will likely do it. Or coffee and flowers. Emphasis on coffee.

Ughh, my dopamine has mostly normalized so now I’m just waiting to forget about you. Ughhh. So annoying. Why did you even approach me? And converse with me?

You were a 2.0 of a crush I had in med school who is married now so it seemed like a good idea. Apparently not. So I guess it is goodbye for now. Thanks for the 1 week of butterflies. Enjoy your gin. Maybe.