A Lifecycle Of Being A “Writer”

Age 7–8: Wrote a book. My book has 48 chapters. They are all about my dog.

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Age 0–2: Able to grab a Sharpie and make permanent marks on the wall. I am a writer!

Age 2–4: Inadvertently drew swirls that look like the letter G. I am a writer!

Age 4–6: Can write own name and also DOGG!! I am such a good writer!

Age 7–8: Wrote a book. My book has 48 chapters. They are all about my dog. It’s very good. Chapter 1: I have a dog. Chapter 2: My dog’s name is Fluffy. Chapter 3: I love my dog Fluffy. Chapter 4: Fluffy ate my scrunchie. Chapter 5: Fluffy barfed up my scrunchie and also a sock. Read my book. It’s the best book in the world. I am the best writer in the world.

Age 8–10: I am a published author. Yes, it’s very impressive. Wrote a whole book series, published it on mom’s work printer, stapled the pages together and distributed it to the whole family. They all agree that it’s excellent, very smart, and super original. It’s about how my friends and I started a babysitters club. But not like The Baby-Sitters Club. Mine is called Babysitting Club. Also, we don’t have a Kristy. We have a Christie. It’s totally different. Tell people about my books. I am going to be very famous.

Middle School: I am not a writer. Would never write. Writing is so uncool. Unrelated, do NOT touch my diary.

High School: I am not a writer. No one is a writer. What even is a writer? How can one be expected to expose their inner demons and express the depths of their soul by haphazardly combining the measly twenty-six letters of the English alphabet?

College: How is everyone a writer? Why are there so many papers? Why does it take all night? Why am I so bad at it? Why didn’t I listen to my parents and study premed? Why am I majoring in English? Who’s going to hire an English major??

20s: I am not a real writer. Hate everything I write. Haven’t published any of my writing. Doesn’t count if I write secretly on the side, and no one ever sees it.

30s: I am not a real writer. Real writers have MFAs. Can’t afford an MFA, still paying off the useless English degree. I did get that one thing published, but just once, and it was probably a fluke. It will never happen again. And I will never get into my dream publication where all the real writers get published.

Early Middle Age: I am not a real writer. Got into my dream publication, but just once, after 1,000 rejections. They probably regret it. Will never contact them again, in case it reminds them to retract my piece and issue a formal apology to their readers for publishing me in the first place. Should probably issue my own apology preemptively.

Late Middle Age: I am not a real writer. Sure, I got published in my dream publication a couple of times, and they haven’t retracted any of them yet, but it’s not like I published a book. Real writers publish books. Why is writing a book so hard? Why are there so many pages? Do I need a daily writing practice? Should I go to all the writing conferences? Should I apply for a writing residency? Is there a secret literary society that I am not part of? How do I get a million social media followers? What is BookTok? How do I get an agent? Why doesn’t anyone want to be my agent? Why didn’t I listen to my parents and go to medical school?

Late Late Middle Age: I am a query writer. Does sending queries count as writing?

Old Age: I am a writer. I wrote a book about my dog, Fluffy. It has 48 chapters. They are all about my dog.

Really Old Age: Burn my diaries.

Eulogy: She was a writer.

***Viktoria Shulevich* is a Boston-based writer of humor, essays, and children’s fiction. She still doesn’t believe she is a real writer. Please burn all her diaries. You can read her “writing” in Slackjaw, The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, LA Times, Points in Case, The Belladonna, and Weekly Humorist. Find her on IG @vikshulevich and at viktoriashulevich.com.

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