I’ve been thinking about this for a while still not sure about the title but whoever is reading…

I’ve been thinking about this for a while still not sure about the title but whoever is reading this already knows. Whatever I express are things I never knew were hurting me, I knew that that’s how it is in life. I thought that I was just being dramatic and self absorbed but now that I think of it who was I expecting to make their life all about me than myself? This is what I feel and think of myself:

Photo by Ian Battaglia on Unsplash

• I’m nice, I wouldn’t say purely nice but enough to feel remorse for things that don’t concern me. Enough to let little rude comments that I make haunt me until I say sorry. I would put myself before others, change plans for them and even spend without thinking for them. Sometimes I think if need be I would take bullets for them. Basically I feel like I’ve been bound to the abnegation faction. But what I feel now…..what I realize now is, they don’t care. They never did. They never will. ‘And that’s ok, truly’ that’s the abnegation screaming from the void in my heart. Is it really? Is it ok feeling like that raincoat, usually hung by the door, patiently waiting for the storm to hit and face it head on for someone else? I don’t think so, even at this point I can’t bring myself to say it’s not. I mean the purpose of a raincoat is to be worn when it’s raining right? Why should it complain? Why would it want to be treated like some sweatshirts or cardigans that are given the compliment ‘ omg I love your outfit’ or even get to smell nice that day from the expensive perfumes. It wasn’t made to look good or flashy. It wasn’t meant for glamour . It was meant to serve. I don’t know maybe I’m in that period where the coat is hanged to dry after being used. Feeling it’s worthlessness and regret of putting themselves out there just to be used and put aside to wait. But eventually it would dry and feel a little sense of worth again, the relief of finding it in the heap of unused clothes.Hoping maybe one day, just maybe.....it won’t be forgotten this time not knowing it’s a circle it’s a fixed loop in its life, to serve . Cause that’s what raincoats do. That’s what friends do. That’s what family does. That’s what I’m supposed to do.I am the raincoat