Fresh air in June

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I am looking at my office desk right now, but for the first time in what feels like forever, the air in my lungs doesn’t feel heavy. I actually brought chocolate to work today — a tiny, sweet shield against the world. It’s strange how quickly life can pivot. Just a short while ago, I was trapped in a suffocating room of intoxicated, polluted air, constantly measuring silence and guessing what was left unsaid.

And then, the universe handed me a plot twist.

He is the polar opposite of everything I used to know. He’s expressive, loud, and entirely clear about what he wants and what he’s thinking. He’s tengil, but in the most considerate way possible. When he came to pick me up, he was late — but how could I mind? He had just finished lembur at 7:00 PM all the way in Suralaya, Merak, and drove straight to Ciruas just to see me. He looked like a walking Pinterest board — totally kalcer abis with his loose jeans, boxy white tee, oversize jacket, silver accessories, and those big, black-framed glasses. It was a complete shock to my system, a style I never used to look at, but I figured, why not welcome the variety?

We ended up at Yoshinoya, laughing because he jokingly insisted I needed the zinc since I was on my period. Even though he was exhausted, we just sat, talked, and later shifted to a coffee shop, hanging out until 11:30 PM. He’s a smoker, which usually disappoints me, but he respected me enough to keep his cigarettes tucked away the entire time we were together. The next day, after staying at his grandma’s place in Walantaka, he drove ten minutes back to my house just to drop off coffee and give me a ride to meet my best friend.

When she saw him, she was happy but classic best-friend worried. She told me to just enjoy it and not rush, even if she was a little skeptical of his skena look. But the truth is, I am enjoying it.

By Tuesday, he was back again. We hung out at Kedai Toean Han, eating snacks and talking for hours. Usually, talking that much leaves me emotionally drained, but with him, I just felt lighter. He adores me so much, and the way he openly expresses it gives me this warm, flushing sensation I haven’t felt in a long, cold time.

He doesn’t remind me of anyone or anything from my past. He has no ghosts attached to him. He just exists, truly and fully, exactly the way he is. I don’t have to hide a single part of myself around him. We have the exact same halal-haram ratio, matching jokes, and he’s this active, sporty guy who loves running, hiking mountains, going to the gym, and taking care of his health.

He is a sudden breath of fresh air after you have spent years trapped in a room filled with heavy, toxic, polluted smoke.

When you spend a long time in a relationship that suffocates you — where you have to constantly guess what the silences mean, walk on eggshells, and micro-manage someone else’s moods just to keep the peace — your lungs get used to the toxicity. You forget what clean air actually feels like. Your throat constricts, your chest grows heavy, and your nervous system goes into a permanent state of survival. You become a version of yourself that is always hiding, always shrinking, and always bracing for the next emotional blow.

And then, he walks in.

He doesn’t come with the heavy baggage of a complicated history. He doesn’t come with hidden meanings, passive-aggressive tests, or silent treatments. He doesn’t remind me of anyone, and he doesn’t remind me of anything I’ve had to survive. There are no ghosts walking behind him, no painful echoes of old fights, and no familiar triggers that make my heart race in fear.

Instead, he just exists. Truly, purely, and uncomplicatedly, just the way he is.

There is an incredible, profound peace in encountering someone who is just entirely present in his own skin. Because he is so transparent and loud about his thoughts, I don’t have to play detective anymore. I don’t have to translate his moods. And because he is so unapologetically himself, a beautiful thing happens to me: I don’t have to hide any part of myself either.

I don’t have to hide my loud laugh. I don’t have to hide my vulnerability. I don’t even have to hide my panic or my messy days. He looks at all of it, accepts it, and still hands me a cup of coffee with a warm smile.

With him, I don’t have to do any emotional heavy lifting. I am not his therapist, I am not his emotional punching bag, and I am not a prize he is trying to hiddenly manipulate. He is just a sporty, tengil, sweet guy who adores me and isn’t afraid to show it.

After choking on polluted air for so long, breathing him in feels like standing on the highest peak of a mountain in the middle of June. The wind is cool, the view is clear, and for the first time in a very long time, my lungs can expand completely without pain. He is the oxygen my healing heart needed.

I don’t need a ten-year plan right now. I don’t need to overthink the future. Right now, in this exact moment, he is exactly what my soul needs to heal. He is a gasp of fresh air on the top of a mountain, right in the middle of June.