For you, Rover. A million times over.

For you, I would ruin myself. Gladly. If that can prove my desire to be worthy of you, I’m more than willing to do anything.

For you, the world and all inside it.

For you, I’ll tear apart myself and throw away all I once possessed. To learn the ways you desire.

Shape me all you want, my love.

I’ll become the one you need, I’ll be everything you could expect. If only you give me just one chance, I’ll make sure not to turn your hope down even for once.

I’m a damned one, love.

I’m a mess with all my flaws. I’ve been drawn in the dark for the longest time possible.

You’re the one who showed me that finally, I’m still a human who could have a purpose for life.

You have no idea — and for God’s sake, I hope you never will.

I’m the damned one, so please undo every thread and make me the ruin you could finally love.

***https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2OBf7QcKAaXYSq8LxVPKoe?si=IbqnIqv-RfWkqIwU2oiUxQ&pt=dd4fe8b5663a5bc450f8388d53069879***

It has always been easy with you. Conversation flows naturally and familiarity spreads across every cell in my head every time we interacted. Like this is where I am supposed to be; this is the place I should rest myself for the remaining ages I possess.

Being with you is easier than breathing air, I can do it naturally for the rest of my life without needing someone else to teach me how.

Loving you feels like opening my eyes in the beginning of a dim morning — sunshine seeping through the narrow gaps of the curtain, where I haven’t talked to anyone for the day and it just feels empty, hollow; but peaceful. Feel merely like I’m the only person left in the world after a sudden apocalypse, just me and those feelings linger on my torn heart, almost eaten up by grief.

It has always been easy with you, what a relief after feeling like I have been trapped in such hard life for decades.

I did mean it when I said you are indeed all I want in a gentleman. You have everything I wished when someone asked me randomly in the middle of June; what kind of person would you spend the rest of your life with? What kind of person you are willing to go through ups and downs with, through happy and sorrow, through every laughter and cries, every worst and best scenario possible that could happen throughout your lifetime?

I always thought that it would not be possible to find such perfect human being before I met you. It is you who I have dreamt for this whole time. It’s you who keep me sane after all cruelty world has shown me.

It is you who make my life finally feel gentler; my lungs breathe after holding up for a long time. It’s you who make me believe that God still loves me — God let me find my way to you, let me feel that life is finally worth living more than I thought.

Perhaps this is what they mean when they say your soulmate arrives gently. Like the faint whistle of dew greeting the open fields after rain, soft as drifting cotton, so subtle you almost fail to notice it.

I know I am falling hard for you.

I know it in the simplest things , in the way my stomach aches at the smallest gesture you make. Not an ache that wounds, but one that forces a foolish smile upon my lips. A smile that sometimes spills into soft giggles, and other times into quiet murmurs ; wondering how you manage to be so precious so effortlessly. Without even trying. Isn’t that unfair?

I know I am falling hard for you.

There is something that curls low in my belly each time your name appears upon my screen. It makes me slightly nauseous, and yet I have never once complained. I do not mind the restless fluttering beneath my ribs, nor the way I overthink every word before I dare to send it to you.

It embarrasses me, how deeply your smallest compliments affect me. How a brief line from you can linger for hours, reshaping my entire mood. You have no idea how much influence your presence holds over me.

I know I am falling hard for you.

Perhaps it is in the way I toss my phone onto the bed the second I press “send” on a risky message meant only for you. Or how I steal a glance at your teasing texts, smiling so wide I can feel the corners of my mouth ache before I rush out of my room, pretending to busy myself with trivial things; cleaning, checking on my mother in the kitchen, anything to distract my chest from thundering so violently.

It feels like an eternity before I gather the courage to reply again. My legs tremble beneath me, my cheeks burn under the glow of my screen — all because of you.

I know I want you more than I can control when I am willing to wait all day for a small conversation. Just a few light exchanges. Nonsense, teasing, your playful words that somehow manage to lift my entire world.

It frightens me, how easily my mood bends toward you. How warmth wraps itself tightly around my chest at the mere thought of you.

It is sweet. Perhaps too sweet for someone like me, who once believed I would never learn how to love again.

It feels like a childhood dream — brief, fragile, yet lingering long after waking. You remain there even after my eyes open, your silhouette caught against my retinas in every place I wander.

You feel like certainty; something steady and promising. Something unfamiliar to me. So unfamiliar that at times it makes me want to step back, if only to question whether I am truly allowed to have something so unwavering.

After everything that has happened, this feels wrong — almost foreign — and yet it makes me crave more than I have ever permitted myself to desire.

I want to be there for you — not only in fragments, but through the entire stretch of your days. I want to witness the quiet unfolding of your life and listen to every story hidden behind it. I want to learn your ways, rehearse your preferences, understand the rhythm of your moods.

I want to peel oranges for you when your hands are too tired, to prepare a bed gentle enough to carry the weight of your exhaustion, to place within your reach whatever comfort you may need. I want to be there to wipe your tears, and to memorize the cadence of your laughter when a book amuses you or a foolish television show steals your breath away.

I am not skilled at loving you quietly, at longing for you half to death with sealed lips, at forcing my trembling body into stillness whenever you are near. I do not wish to restrain myself from reaching for your hand in the middle of a crowded room, when every pulse within me aches to keep you as close as my own vein.

You deserve to be loved fiercely — boldly, hungrily, without mercy. And I want to become fluent in that language.

I want to kiss you hard beneath the fine drizzle of a spring rain, to taste every shade of you until my mind forgets that any other flavor has ever existed.

I want to know what moves behind your eyes at every moment — what thoughts claim you when your gaze is fixed upon the work laid before you. Are you replaying a mistake from days ago? Or planning how you will spend your weekend to loosen the tightness in your chest? Or have your thoughts wandered elsewhere entirely, far from the task in your hands?

Have I ever existed there — even briefly — in that private corridor of your mind? Have I ever crossed it by accident, only to be replaced by something more pressing?

And by some rare and merciful chance, have you ever thought of me and felt that quiet sweetness spreading through your veins — the same sweetness that has not left mine since the moment I came to know you?

Isn’t it funny how love can turn me to be such a ridiculous human being?

I must admit you’ve got me wrapped around your finger effortlessly— to the point I don’t even care that much if I looked like a fool in front of you. Love solely makes me feel totally okay if by one tiny chance, you will look at me and found a reason that actually; I am not that worth for your presence. That there is someone else out there that could treat you with ways you actually deserve.

And so, of course, love, I want you to win everything good in this colorful mortal world.

For everything in the heavens, I want your two hands to grasp the world. I will destroy and rebuild the earth according to your wishes, according to what you’ve always desired.

Because only you deserve it all. I will catch all the stars; pick them one by one and give them to you just to see that smile once again — a little much longer.

You are more than worthy to get everything you want, even in a world that’s no longer kind.

I care for you a lot, and I will do more than anyone else do. I want you so much — it reaches the point where I don’t mind at all if you just took advantage of my presence whatever the reason behind it; in fact, I need you to make me useful for your own good, so for the very least I have a simple reason to stick myself beside you.

So darling, bid me to wait, and I shall linger beyond your bidding.

Command me to stir, and I shall deliver outcomes surpassing your wildest dreams.

I am already shattered, a mere tangle of disorder discarded, reviled, and trampled by the world. You are the anchor that keeps me tethered here; how much deeper will you unravel me still? Gather me in your arms and weave me into purpose for your own heart.

I can’t help but seek you out in a room brimming with faces, trusting my instincts to guide me only where I’m meant to be — straight into your waiting arms.

Because my head is spacious enough only for you, love. There is plenty of comfortable space for you to settle there for a long time.

There is enough room to remember every curve of your face; how the shape of your nose bone and every inch detail of your parted lips, your body scent in the bright morning; accompanied by the bitter smell of warm coffee, kissing intimately right on the most sensitive side of my lungs.

My gorgeous one, how wonderfully God created you — full of love, I’m so envious. It’s a pity that your beauty can be freely savored by greedy humans with their eyes, indulging their conscience.

I will engrave your beauty deeply in my soul; until when I’m under the ground and insects gnaw at the remains of my body not devoured by time, they will find your smile there, sweet — eternal and untouchable

My heart aches when you are not near, each beating counting down the time until I can see you again. I would race a thousand miles, even if the harshest consequence shattered my legs, leaving them unable to bear my weight, burdened further by the ache in my chest from a lifetime spent yearning for you.

I don’t desire someone merely like you; no duplicates or echoes with one or two traits that faintly resemble yours.

My love, with you alone I will live and stand in this world, and with you I will reunite with the earth on my final day.

Because, my love, when the world comes undone, I wish for nothing but to be near you. When the dark clouds gather heavily above us and everything we have ever known begins to fall apart, let me hold you once more, one final embrace, firm and unbreaking.

Let my thumb brush gently against your rain-soaked lashes, so softly you would barely notice, as if I am trying to memorize the shape of your sorrow.

Let me press a lingering kiss upon the crown of your head; an offering, a quiet surrender of everything I am into your hands.

At the edge of my last breath, I want to see the blush in your cheeks, the softness of your gaze, and feel the warmth of you coursing through me as the world draws its final curtain.

And when my heart gives in at last, I will leave it smiling — because it was yours. Because it was with you.

Yours, in every breath, eternally

Sorrel E. ♡