Ann Landers Said It Best

Definitions of governments using cows

Photo by Monika Kubala on Unsplash

In these days of confusion over political terms, sometimes we have to look back to find the best and easiest definitions of these terms. “Antifa” is now classified as a terrorist group, but all the term means is “anti-fascist.” But what is a fascist? Our great Orange Leader is now calling all Democrats “communists.” But what exactly is a communist? Let's go back in time to find the best definitions in the simplist terms.

A teacher in Mississippi once wrote to Ann Landers, a very wise and popular newspaper columnist. The teacher wrote:

“Dear Ann Landers:

I am an English teacher, and my students are reading George Orwell’s 1984.

I am having trouble explaining communism, socialism, and fascism to my students without giving a full-blown, time-consuming history lesson. You once wrote an article defining the terms using cows. Could you rerun that article?”

Ann Landers obliged. Here are her definitions, which I think are desperately needed today.

Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may give you some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. You give all the milk to the government, and the government sells it.

Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows.

Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both of the cows, shoot the government agent and steal another cow.

Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government makes you take harmonica lessons.

I’m adding my own catagory with my own definition:

Democratic Socialism: Everyone with cows donates milk to the common cause. Those with the most cows donate the most milk. Those who can’t afford cows or who can no longer take care of their cows get their milk from those who can afford to contribute. No one hoards milk, and no one goes without.

But you have to understand that I believe it is the government’s responsibility to regulate the powerful so they do not prey upon the less powerful, to protect the weak and the old and the sick. The government should take care of the people, providing safety nets for those who need them.

To paraphrase from another book (Animal Farm) we are all equal. No one is more equal than anyone else.