No Boundaries, No Health — How Relationships Dictate Disease

With Psychotherapist & Trauma Expert, Benjamin Fry

What if MEN1 weren’t just a physical disease? I sit down with psychotherapist and trauma expert, Benjamin Fry, to explore how unresolved emotional patterns, co-dependent relationships, and a lack of boundaries might be something to consider for your health and healing journey.

Lizzie: Benjamin, if you’d said to me five years ago the word “boundary,” I wouldn’t have had a clue what you were talking about. How do you define boundaries, and how do they show up in our health?

Benjamin: I always start with the nervous system. Instead of getting tangled up in overused terms like “trauma,” just ask: is this good for my nervous system health? When you think of boundaries that way, they stop being about other people and start being about you. Boundaries aren’t a weapon. They’re a filter that lets in what nourishes you and keeps out what harms you.

Lizzie: So boundaries aren’t about influencing or controlling others?

Benjamin: Not at all. It’s about finding out what works for you, how to communicate that, and then taking responsibility for your side of the equation. I use the analogy of water in India. You want water — you need water — but you also want to be discerning. You don’t drink any random tap water. You filter. Same with people, places, and situations.

Lizzie: That makes so much sense. Especially for patients who might feel overwhelmed and look to their professionals to ‘fix’ it. Where do you draw the line between “this is my responsibility” and “this is yours”?

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Benjamin: I’d go as far as to say: it’s all your responsibility. We want other people to look after us — a doctor, a friend, a parent. But if your nervous system is suffering, it’s on you to respond to that. You can’t outsource it. That doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means showing up as the adult who takes care of your inner child. If someone keeps shouting at you and you’re overwhelmed, it’s not about making them stop. It’s about deciding whether or not you stay.

Lizzie: Why is it so hard to act from that place of personal responsibility?

Benjamin: Because it’s easier to wait for someone to change than to risk being alone or uncomfortable. As kids, we needed others to meet our needs. We haven’t all grown out of that. And in dysfunctional systems — whether that’s family or medicine — we adapt ourselves instead of advocating for ourselves. That adaptation can be so entrenched that it becomes a nervous system pattern.

Lizzie: That’s so relevant for this audience. I know I used to expect my doctors to have all the answers. I put them on a pedestal.

Benjamin: Right. And historically, that’s been encouraged. Medical systems can resemble family systems — you surrender to the authority figure and expect perfect care. But those white coats don’t make them infallible. Look at medical history: what was once confidently prescribed would get you arrested today. We must remember that we are the ultimate experts in ourselves.

Lizzie: I still have parts of me that regress around my parent and siblings. That inner child response. Can those parts ever go away?

Benjamin: Maybe not. But that’s okay. Not all wounds fully heal. What matters is whether you’re willing to step in and protect yourself now. Be the adult who says: “She needs space. She needs recovery.” That’s the gift of boundaries. They create the conditions for peace, not permanence.

Lizzie: I love that you say peace is a good definition of a regulated nervous system. I often forget that I’m allowed to create distance.

Benjamin: And that distance doesn’t have to be permanent. Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re permeable membranes. But they do need to be maintained by a part of you that is grounded, compassionate, and in charge.

Lizzie: Let’s talk about the connection between nervous system dysregulation and physical disease. I know, for myself, my disease feels as emotional as it is physical. Do you see this in your work too?

Benjamin: There’s a strong link between nervous system function, inflammation, and immune response. Chronic dysregulation means the body can’t do what it’s designed to do. You’re stuck in fight-or-flight when you need rest-and-digest. And over time, things can surface that were once dormant. There’s no perfect science for it, but there’s certainly a pattern.

Lizzie: What helps people begin to regulate?

Benjamin: There are specific modalities like Psychosomatic Experiencing, EMDR, or Sensorimotor Psychotherapy that release unresolved threat responses. But so much of it comes down to recognising what’s happening now versus what’s an echo of the past. It’s not always about healing in solitude. Relationships matter too. We co-regulate, and we can co-dysregulate. That’s why relationships are so impactful on health.

Lizzie: It’s funny you say that. I sometimes feel ashamed for expressing big emotions — like recently when I felt so let down by life and just screamed into a pillow. No one else was there, but I still judged myself.

Benjamin: That shame is inherited. It’s part of our evolutionary drive to stay in the group. We conform to the group’s rules in order to survive, even if it means disconnecting from ourselves. As adults, we have the opportunity to rewrite those rules, but it takes courage. It’s a journey.

Lizzie: I really do believe that the answer to disease lies somewhere in this emotional work. I was told I was born with a gene mutation, but that doesn’t explain why my experience looks so different from someone else with the same mutation. The emotional side matters.

Benjamin: Science doesn’t yet have all the answers. But that doesn’t mean we ignore what we know to be true from experience. Just like you wouldn’t buy every item in a shop, you don’t need to buy everything medicine tells you. Take what works. Trust your discernment. And remember, your nervous system is always telling you something. Your job is to learn how to listen.

Benjamin Fry is a psychotherapist, author, and founder of Khiron Clinics. He specialises in trauma recovery and relationships, combining personal experience, clinical training, and thought leadership. He is the author of The Invisible Lion and the founder of Televagal, a mental health tech platform for therapists. To be notified about Benjamin’s new book, Re-pair, click here & register for email updates.

“MEN1 can’t be influenced”… or can it? I became surgery-free, symtpom-free and medication-free following the three, simple steps I lay out in this guide. Click here to download it.

Disclaimer: I share my personal experience as a MEN1 patient. Nothing in this blog— including the opinions of my podcast guests — is intended as medical or holistic advice. Always consult a qualified medical professional before making changes to your care.