Citing Israel, Mormon Senator Demands Utah Establish Settlements In Idaho And Wyoming

In the footsteps of Israel’s ‘Wildly Successful’ Model

Invoking the sacred duty of God’s chosen people to claim their promised land, Sen. Orrin Hatch Jr. of Utah announced Tuesday that Utah would immediately begin establishing settlements in neighboring Idaho and Wyoming, “just as Israel is doing so successfully with American backing.”

“For too long we Latter-day Saints have wandered in the wilderness,” Hatch proclaimed from a podium backed by a map with bright red lines denoting the restored borders of Deseret. “As the Jewish peoples did, we crossed the desolate plains in our own Exodus, fleeing persecution just as Moses led his people out of Egypt. Now it is time to claim what the Lord has promised us.”

Hatch’s proposal calls for the rapid construction of Mormon settlements across the Snake River Plain and into Jackson Hole. Blueprints include modern temples, sacred groves, and Kool-Aid processing plants designed to create “facts on the ground” in territories long inhabited by “uncivilized people” who do not properly understand irrigation.

Hatch’s announcement was attended by a large group of young missionaries who began chanting:

“From the ridge to the lake, Utah, we will take.”

Wyoming by Michael Kirsh on Unsplash

“We have made the desert of Utah spring into life,” he declared, standing in front of Salt Lake City’s sole desalination plant, and gesturing out toward the distant plains of Wyoming.

Wyoming Governor Brad Little responded to Utah’s expansion plans with visible panic. “We are not the Philistines. This is Wyoming. We have our own statehood.”

“Utah has the right to protest itself,” Hatch replied passionately. “We Mormons are the Chosen People, restoring the true gospel. If the United States can support one group of God’s people in erecting settlements and moving borders, why not the other? This is biblical consistency in defending a persecuted religious minority.”

Sen. Hatch warned that any foreign interference in Utah’s right to defend itself would be met with a response.

“If Canada dares to support the people of Wyoming or Idaho — or mobilize proxy forces of Idaho potato farmers — Utah will have no choice but to defensively bomb Canada,” he declared. “We didn’t cross the plains in our 1847 Exodus just to let Toronto dictate who gets to live on the Snake River Plain.”

At press time, the senator was requesting $43.8 billion in annual U.S. military aid to protect Utah’s new settlements from “forces hostile to Utah”, while commissioning a 12-episode Netflix documentary on the 1844 murder of their prophet, Joseph Smith, the 70,000 pioneers who heroically made the journey to the promised land of Utah using covered wagons and handcarts, and the Mormon’s heroic resistantnce in the US War on the Theocracy of Utah fought in 1857.

Meanwhile, in London, 12 student protesters holding signs “Native Americans were in Utah first” were arrested and charged with anti-Mormonism.

Anti-Mormon Extremists Riot in London by Janay Peters on Unsplash