ON BRAND

Living Life Like a Beer Commercial

It’s the Canadian thing to do, eh

Asking “What’s on tap?” is the most Canuck way to greet your bartender. Photo by Poojitha Prasad on Unsplash

My expectations for adulthood have been ruined by beer commercials!

Every one I’ve seen always portrays life the same general way:

At 5:01 on Friday twelve of your buddies appear out of thin air carrying folded chairs, guitars, and firewood in enough abundance to keep the cottage in Tobermory one of you owns toasty until snow flies.

But reality?

I text three friends because I know everyone else already has weekend plans.

One says he’s “too tired.”

Another’s kid has hockey. Yes, in July. In Canada, that’s a thing.

The third will likely get back to me in a week or so with a “Sorry, Bud. Just saw this, eh?”

Beer commercials also lead you to assume that Canadians spend 84% of their lives:

• Standing around pristine lakes
• Wandering the deep woods with friends for no damn good reason
• Wearing plaid shirts
• Asking the wildlife “How’s she goin’?”
• Laughing at absolutely nothing

Absolutely ridiculous!

We’re talking 75… maybe 78% tops!!

Nobody ever says anything insightful or funny in those commercials.

Someone just raises a bottle covered in condensation and says “Eh!”

And everyone starts partying like the Toronto Maple Leafs are back from their latest golf vacation.

I’ve attempted to emulate this in real life.

I stood in my backyard holding an ice cold Moosehead lager and smiled at my neighbour.

He asked to borrow my lawnmower.

“Commercial Canucks” are also suspiciously good-looking.

The women all have perfect hair and makeup despite the fact they’ve been sitting by a campfire for hours.

The guys all have that rugged four-day stubble that says, “Why yes, I do own a canoe AND a successful stock portfolio.”

Meanwhile, I spend half my summer outdoor time smeared in SPF-pasty-white-fella looking like I’ve recently lost a fight with a greased lawn chair.

And nobody in the commercials ever has to use the can.

My God.

I mean, they’re drinking nonstop.

Who’s editing out the 47 trips behind the nearest pine tree??

Then there’s always the weather.

Commercials for brewskis tell you that Canada enjoys being permanently warm (but not too hot) with a gentle breeze carrying the scents of cedar and eternal promise.

Actual Canada has these:

• Mosquitoes the size of hummingbirds
• Blackflies that do ‘wet work’ for the government
• Sudden hailstorms when you’re miles from cover in a canoe because Mother Nature decides to be ‘funny’

Yet, despite all this, the numbskulls in the commercials are still tossing around a football on a dock that violates several different insurance policies.

Friendship, though, is the biggest victim of the beer commercial lie.

Because the commercials make it look effortless.

Everyone lives 15 minutes away from each other. Nobody has shift work. Not a soul among them suffers from back pain. No one ever asks, “Can we hurry things along? I’ve got wicked bad heartburn from the fifth beer.”

Real friendship is hard work.

Real gatherings require planning, coordination, calendars, compromises, and the realization that there’s going to be at least one cancelation because “The friend of a friend of my wife’s sister’s hairstylist is moving and needs to use my truck.”

Maybe beer commercials aren’t selling beer after all.

Is it possible they’re selling moments?

Reminders that some moments should have phones stay in your pocket, everyone learn to laugh a little harder than necessary, and life seem simple for at least a couple of hours.

We don’t actually need a perfect dock, expensive cottage, or 12 ridiculously photogenic buddies.

A decent pal, a lawn chair that’s not trying to fold us in half, blackflies that aren’t trying to assassinate us, and enough time to notice the tranquility brought on by a magnificent sunset — despite the mosquitoes — is good enough.

Miraculous, in fact.

And if that’s the Canadian dream they’re trying to sell? I’ll drink to that.

Even if I do have to take a leak halfway through.