Satire

Big Don’s Golf Club, Cemetery and Document Depository

I have the best golf and the best cemetery and the best Top Secret documents, believe me!

Photo by Marco Zuppone on Unsplash

I like to play golf. I have the best golf courses. The best. Everybody says so. I’ve got golf courses all over the world. I’ve got the best golf, and you get 5 percent off if you’re wearing a MAGA hat.

I have the best cemeteries now.

Do you have any dead exes? I have a dead ex. She’s very dead now. They say she fell down the stairs. Somebody had to bury her. She tried marrying several men after me. None were as good-looking or as rich as I am. I was the best husband.

Now she’s dead. You know, you have to bury them when they’re dead. You have a dead ex? I can bury the body right by the green on one of my golf courses. A golf course is the best place to stash any dead ex. I buried mine at the Trump National Golf Club Bedminster.

I’ve got almost a dozen golf courses, so I expect to have enough room to bury all my exes. I only have one that’s still alive right now, but there will be more. There’s Marla. She said the sex with me was the best she ever had. Believe me, I’m the best. I’m still keeping Melania, even though she’s old, until probably my third, maybe fourth term as president. Then it’s buh-bye, Melania.

After I’m done being the best president, I plan to recycle my wives faster than Al Gore recycles light bulbs. I like young women, foreign women, OK? I usually don’t like immigrants, they aren’t sending their best. But for wives, I like foreign women. But only the best women from the best countries. I don’t marry women from shithole countries, OK?

I am phenomenal to women.

Maybe it’s because I am so good-looking. Maybe it’s because I am rich. Maybe it’s because I’m a celebrity. You may not know this, but I like to grab them by the pussy as soon as I meet them. They let me do it. I’m a celebrity, the best celebrity. And also the rightful president.

Global warming is a Chinese hoax!

My daughter is beautiful. Isn’t she beautiful? I’d date her if she weren’t my daughter. And as I was saying, we need a wall to keep out the Mexican rapists. Also terrorists.

I don’t like to read.

Sometimes I read something Top Secret. Why should I read the same things other people read? I shouldn’t. I’m the president and only I get to read these Top Secret documents. I used to keep them in a closet, but the deep state came in and stole them from me.

Well, I’ll be back in the White House soon, and when I do, I’ll load up on more reading material. I like to read on the toilet. And then? If it was boring? It’s buh-bye, Top Secret papers. I just flush them down my toilet.

I have a gold toilet. I don’t know if you know that. Only I have a gold toilet.

I hate boring paperwork.

That Top Secret stuff helps me fall asleep at night. It’s so boring. They should make it more interesting. You know who can hold my interest? Tucker Carlson. I ought to have him rewrite some of those boring documents. He could read them on his show. He has the best show.

When I’m president again, that’s going to be a new law: No more boring paperwork. I’m going to give Tucker a job in the White House. I’m going to have the best Top Secret paperwork.

I’m the best businessman.

Many people say I’m the best businessman ever. My businesses have made me very, very rich. I did it all by myself. My father only gave me a very small loan, OK? Only a million dollars. The fake news and the negative press covfefe are always trying to make me look bad. The election was stolen, OK? It was stolen. Many people are saying so.

They won’t let me tweet anymore, even though I had the best tweets. Everybody said so. I had the most followers. I started my own Twitter. It’s called Truth Social. That’s because it only tells the truth. It has the most very special people, like truthers and birthers.

Donate to my legal fund!

The deep state is trying to make me look bad. I’m trying to hire some more lawyers. Make a donation. I’m very, very rich. But make a donation to my defense fund today.

Hunter Biden’s laptop!!!!!!!!

About Michelle Teheux

I’m a copywriter, proofreader and editor in central Illinois. Find me on Twitter or LinkedIn.

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