Food Poisioning

Food Poisoning in Florence

The following is an email I sent out after contracting a severe case of food poisioning in June of 99.

I’ve been sick lately, and did not have my full address book at home. I’ve forwarded this to update everyone.

PREVIEW WARNING: IF graphic descriptions of poop & stuff offend you, please stop now.

Results from the doctor suggest it might have been the fajitas in Mexico, or a bug going around. It is MUCH more than simple food problems.

Beginning this weekend, I got sick. Not your average sick, but going off every 30 minutes exploding poop fountain, dehydrated, high fever kind of sick.

I raced Sunday at Henderson, sick. Amazingly, I was able to get out of my leather armored race suit and into a port-a-john with time to spare. The 4 hour trip home was a different story. I created many new rest stops the Texas Department of Highways has not yet sanctioned.

Monday involved laying in bed praying for death, Tuesday, referred to below in detail, is when I went to the doctor.

I have had many new experiences today, a new hospital, Scott & White, Inc., next to Del Webb’s Sun City, a retirement village from the low $1millions, only rich & white need apply. With all those rich old farts next door, I figure they have to be a good clinic, and they’d probably be happy to see someone like me who is young, really sick, really cureable (I hope) and really polite.

A female doctor. That’s a first for me. Other than my mom’s OBGYN who delivered me, I’ve stuck to man-doctors. She was very nice, older, knew what she was talking about, and understood when I told her I prefer a male doctor so when I say “Ouch, my balls hurt like THIS” he would reply “I understand” with some air of believability. She said she’d try her best, and her bedside manner was great.

6 blood draws in one day! yikes, I felt drained. It was probably the comment about balls.

And, the stool sample. I have always thought it was funny when I took Ladybird the WonderDog to the vet. When he inserted a collection spoon in her backside, she would go rigid from the moment of entry till the moment of exit. Well, now I understand. You want to be as still as possible to insure that exploring digit does not travel any further on its path than necessary. This is just no goddamn fun, I do not comprehend people who enjoy sodomy. Its a one way valve and that’s my final word on that!

So we determined that I am more sick than your normal sick. I have to poo in a container that really looks like it should have CoolWhip(TM) in it and return it to the lab for more testing, then I can take some great drugs that will make my guts better. We hope.

I have not yet figured out the CoolWhip(tm) logistics, but I’ll utilize all my mechanical engineering talent to make it happen by tomorrow morning. I’ve lost 8 lbs, I can barely walk, fevers come and go, hallucinations run rampant, and at 3am last night, I thought I understood why Howard Hughes wore tissue boxes on his feet! The hallucinating is no good when you have to run to the hopper every half hour, and I can recommend buying stock in Charmin tissues, as I am upping their demand orders.

The dogs know exactly what is going on, when Rona brought me back from the clinic they looked at me as if to say “yeah, it isn’t so funny when the put the deal up your butt, is it white boy?” So I just lay around trying to watch TV. The damn pirate DSS card thingery I bought keeps going out, but that’s another story…..

Wednesday. I need to make a stool sample, but amazingly, I cannot go! I have been this constant stream of poo for the last 3 days, and now, all of a sudden, the valves are closed? Why is this cruel fate bestowed on me?

Anyhow, I’ll keep eating more bananas, and we’ll see what develops.

The blood tests proved it to be Salmonella Group B, and the anti-biotics did cure me. The incubation period was all wrong for it to have come from Mexico, so the Fajias I ate at the Lesbian Show in Boy’s Town, Monterrey, Mexico were fine. I was probably the chinese I had for lunch the next Friday in Austin.