Workplace Violence Mitigation (Remote Edition)

A Case Study in Small Humans and Big Feelings

I was halfway through my annual Workplace Violence Prevention training — you know the one. Stock photos. Calm narrator. Scenarios involving raised voices near copy machines.

And somewhere between “Recognize early warning signs” and “Report concerns promptly,” I realized something:

This training was not written for those of us working remotely.

Because when I hear workplace violence, I don’t picture a disgruntled coworker in a break room. I picture my four-year-old daughter standing silently behind me while I’m on mute.

And that, friends, is a far more chilling scenario.

Photo by Hoi Pham on Unsplash

Scope of Policy (Remote Work Addendum)

This addendum applies to all employees operating in a home-based work environment, defined as:

• Any location with Wi-Fi
• At least one laptop
• And at least one small human with no impulse control

While traditional workplace threats may be reduced in a remote setting, risk has not been eliminated — only relocated and downsized.

Threat Assessment

Subject: Daughter, Age 4 (or similar life-forms) Known Aliases: Princess Dinosaur, Doctor Unicorn, Stitch, “I Said No” Motivation: Unknown. Possibly hunger. Possibly the moon. Weapons of Choice:

• Blunt force (thrown stuffed animals with surprising velocity)
• Psychological warfare (“You don’t love me anymore”)
• Sonic attacks capable of shattering Zoom audio

This individual demonstrates zero de-escalation training, no respect for calendar blocks, and complete disregard for the phrase “Daddy is on a call.”

Escalation Speed: Immediate Cooling-Off Period: Unknown. Possibly never.

This individual demonstrates advanced skills in emotional escalation, improvised weaponization, and psychological manipulation well beyond their years.

Warning Signs (Remote-Specific)

Employees should remain vigilant for the following pre-incident indicators:

• Prolonged silence (the most dangerous condition)
• Whispered giggling from an unseen location
• Heavy breathing directly into your noise-canceling microphone
• The phrase: “I’m not touching anything…”

If a child appears on camera unexpectedly, do not assume benign intent. This may be a reconnaissance maneuver.

Weapons Assessment

While no traditional weapons are present, the following items have been observed to cause significant harm:

• Hard plastic toys (aerodynamically sound)
• Stuffed animals launched with intent
• Water bottles opened incorrectly
• Glitter (classified as a long-term environmental hazard)

Psychological tactics may include:

• Loud existential questions during executive updates
• Emotional hostage-taking (“You love your job more than me”)
• Strategic nudity during recorded meetings

Mitigation & Control Measures

(Best Practices, Non-Exhaustive)

Engineering Controls

• Strategic snack placement throughout the home
• Locked doors (theoretically helpful)
• White noise machines to mask shrieks of betrayal

Administrative Controls

• Calendar blocks labeled “Focus Time” (ignored by child)
• Meetings scheduled during cartoon hours
• Backup plans for the backup plan

Personal Protective Equipment (PPE)

• Headphones rated for both decibels and despair
• Emotional resilience developed over years
• Coffee with no measurable upper limit

De-escalation Techniques

When confronted by an emotionally dysregulated four-year-old during business hours:

• Maintain a calm tone
• Validate feelings without validating chaos
• Offer choices that give the illusion of control (“Do you want the blue cup or the red cup?”)

Avoid phrases such as:

• “Because I said so”
• “Please stop screaming”
• “I’m in a meeting”

These have been proven ineffective.

Immediate Physical Threat Mitigation

Remote Edition

Run — Escape the Immediate Situation Corporate Definition: If possible, prioritize safety by immediately leaving the area.

Remote Translation: If feasible, relocate to the bathroom, garage, or any room with a lock. If escape is not possible, remain very still and hope the child loses interest.

Note: Escape attempts may trigger pursuit.

Hide — Create Distance or Protect Yourself Corporate Definition: If escape isn’t an option, maintain physical distance or use objects to protect yourself.

Remote Translation: Use couch cushions, pillows, laundry baskets, or an open laptop lid as a defensive barrier. Maintain at least one arm’s length distance unless the child has initiated a “surprise hug,” in which case distance is no longer an option.

Fight — Use of Force if Necessary Corporate Definition: Use force as a last resort to defend yourself.

Remote Translation: This does not apply. You are fighting a four-year-old. You will lose — emotionally, spiritually, and in family court.

Accept your fate.

When you are ready, select Continue.

(You are never ready.)

Incident Response Protocol

If an incident occurs during a live meeting:

1. Mute immediately
2. Turn off camera with dignity
3. Apologize using vague corporate language — “So sorry — home office realities!”
4. Resolve situation using ancient parenting methods
5. Return to meeting as if nothing happened
6. All incidents should be internally logged under:

“Unplanned Stakeholder Engagement”

Repeated incidents may be categorized as:

“Chronic Environmental Instability”

Post-Incident Reporting

Formal reports are not required unless:

• Snacks were depleted
• Tears were involved (yours or theirs)
• The child gained control of the keyboard

In such cases, employees are encouraged to practice self-care and possibly lie down.

Examples of How to Chart a Behavior

Remote Parent Documentation Addendum

It is important to document behaviors objectively and without judgment. Below are examples translated for remote work environments.

Example 1

Ineffective Documentation:

The child yelled.

Preferred Documentation:

The child raised their voice to a sustained volume exceeding safe headphone limits and repeatedly stated, “LOOK AT ME” while the parent was on a recorded call.

HR Commentary: Avoid emotional language. “Yelled” is subjective. “Destroyed your focus” is implied.

Example 2

Ineffective Documentation:

The child attempted to hit the parent.

Preferred Documentation:

The child’s hand moved rapidly and without warning toward the parent’s face while holding a plastic unicorn. Contact was narrowly avoided due to reflexive flinching.

HR Commentary: Clarify intent and trajectory. Plastic unicorns qualify as projectiles.

Example 3

Ineffective Documentation:

The child grabbed the parent.

Preferred Documentation:

The child reached out, secured the parent’s arm, and refused to release despite multiple calm verbal requests and escalating bribes.

HR Commentary: Include duration. Emotional impact may be addressed in self-care resources.

Example 4

Ineffective Documentation:

The child used offensive language.

Preferred Documentation:

The child stated that the parent was “mean,” “the worst,” and “not invited to my birthday,” resulting in moderate psychological injury.

HR Commentary: Document exact quotes. These will hurt more later if paraphrased.

Additional Observations (Optional but Accurate)

• The aggressor demonstrated advanced negotiation tactics
• De-escalation efforts were temporarily effective until snack depletion
• The parent apologized to coworkers despite being the victim

High-Risk Incidents

Remote Work Environment (Unofficial Interpretation)

A high-risk incident is an event that may cause significant loss of sanity, productivity, or dignity. Incidents involving small children can create mass disruption in a very short period of time.

Common Precipitators

• Sudden emotional escalation without identifiable trigger
• Loss of snacks during critical hours
• A child realizing you are not actually listening
• A quiet house (this is never a good sign)

Final HR Statement

Remote work has taught us many things:

That productivity is flexible. That professionalism is situational. And that the most credible threat to workplace safety may weigh under forty pounds and ask why five hundred times a day.

Employees are encouraged to remain alert, proactive, and realistic.

If you feel overwhelmed, remember:

• This training did not prepare you for this
• HR has no jurisdiction here

But with preparation, humor, and a steady supply of snacks, we can continue to foster a safe, compliant, and mostly injury-free remote work environment.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to respond to a high-priority escalation involving scissors and “art.”