I Am An Indian And My Wife Is Three Shades Darker Than Me

Photo by Alexis Fauvet on Unsplash

And we’ve been married for 25 years!

Let’s dig deep in to the whole “Indian Man Only Wants A Fair Wife” conditioning.

I am one of the very few people who was blissfully unaware of this evil, social dogma. I was born with very high perception and probably that quality helped me to understand people deeper than others. Needless to say, having a high perception is a double edged sword. I am also quite vulnerable to pain givers, emotional hijackers and basically all people who are extremely selfish. Yes, but I have learned to spot them early and distance myself from them.

I came from a family which is having a fair skin genetics, except my father who was not that fair. But my sister is very fair. And her socially dogmatic good quality ends there. Period!

I am not that fair, like my father and never had an obsession towards fair skin. My libra moon sign sought equality in humane ways and was never ready to allow me to think that fair skin is good, brown or darker is not. I learned deeper ways to understand people. Skin color was never a factor. That also means I never despised any fair looking people. To me qualities of people carried more importance.

Arranged Marriage

Arranged marriage is the norm in India and mine is also a very much arranged marriage in my community. When alliances of girls started to come, I had quite a few boy-girl interviews with parents from both sides holding a strict vigil. I spoke to dozens of girls, even travelled to different cities to meet the girl and her parents at their place of residence. Not a single time I had considered skin color as a factor. One such meeting I had cut short when I recognized the girl is not fair but had put up very heavy makeup. The makeup was made to force the girl to look fair. I was not against the makeup but I was definitely against the girl trying to hide her original color. It was a immediate turn off for me.

Comfortable in her own skin.

Picture by author.

I liked girls who were confident in their God given skin. And my search continued, until one day I had travelled again to a neighboring city to meet a girl at her parents house. I had seen her picture which was sent by her father over postal mail. She was lean, appropriately tall and two to three shades darker to me. The photo did not tell of any makeup and it was one of the plus points for me.

Travelling from my hometown to hers, took 5 hours in a bus, the only means of transport. Further away from the city where the bus dropped me, I had to take another bus for an hour’s drive to a semi rural town.

The Meeting

After about 6 hours of travel I finally reached her house. It was lunch time already. Quickly I freshened up and the meeting would happen now any time. The girl was five years younger to me and she was dark, with very noticeable big, beautiful eyes and a very defined jaw and facial lines. She was very slim, almost malnourished. She showed very good body language when walking. She spoke with confidence, always looking directly in the eyes. She had a little accent. This was okay.

Languages and Dialects of India.

In India the language or dialect (one of the above) changes every 100 km in India and it’s always the regional or colloquial accent that stays on the tongues of the locals. I came from a city where in the purest form of my mother tongue is spoken and growing up I developed keen interest for Marathi — my mother tongue, English — my first language at school and Hindi — national language of India and second language at school. I mastered all three languages in very quick time and was already writing short stories when I was in school. In addition to mastering the languages I also read a lot and change of dialect was something I had read about and learned. My mind was quite accepting and I was not judging the girl on her accent. She also had almost zero conversational English. That bothered me a little but I was ready to wait and let her take time and learn.

The Approval.

The meeting concluded. I asked a few questions, she replied to my satisfaction. She asked me somethings about where I work and my interests. I answered and it seemed she was happy to hear my answers. She went inside and spoke to her parents. She gave her approval to the alliance. Her father came out with a smiling face and conveyed what the girl told them. It was considered arrogance for the girl to directly tell the boy or his parents her decision. It’s always conveyed by the parents. I had spoken to my parents and gave my approval. It is not necessary that either parties give their decisions on the same day after the meeting. Many times they return back, think over and then convey by phone calls or letters. But this time I had no doubt whatsoever. I knew this girl will look perfect for me as I was also super lean. And I had known for sure that unless I reach my middle age I would not really put on weight. This girl looked lean in the hardworking sense. She looked strong and had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. My parents conveyed my approval to her parents and the whole family came out with beaming smiles. Every one was happy. The girl’s parents seem relieved and thanked us for telling the decision immediately. Most boy-side party don’t tell immediately and keep the girl-side on tenterhooks. The approval was oral and no written part was involved. Everything was only based of trust. There were no other people and only two families had approved like honest, true people do.

Compassionate and Human.

It is not customary for the girl’s parents to invite visitors to have lunch as alliance meets only happens over cup of tea and snacks. But since they knew that we had travelled from a neighboring city and took 6–7 hours to reach, they insisted that we have lunch and then we may return back. I had very good lunch there. I vividly remember every item in the plate. The would be wife was very active to serve me and my parents and made sure we ate well.

After having lunch we spoke about things like the brothers and sisters of the girl, my family members and then took their leave.

It was one of the best value days in my life. I had taken a huge decision.

The Wedding.

The next part was upto the priests to find the most auspicious day. For this they use both the girl’s and boy’s birth charts. It was finalized on a cold January afternoon and the place was obviously the girl’s city. It’s a custom that the girl is married in her city of residence and then after marriage travels to her husband’s place. It was the most beautiful event in my life. It was very simple event with major focus on the rituals. The quiet charm of the place where we got married added to the ambience and it’s an exceptional remembrance for me and my wife.

Backstabbed by my own people.

As we headed to my parents house, shock and awe awaited me, The skin color of my new wife, which was never a botheration for me, suddenly became a topic of gossip. And my relatives bared opened their true dark souls one by one. My sinister sister (there is no typo here) was the first. She was just a big piece of slob, grown by the body and had an IQ of a 10 year old. What intelligence she did not have, she made it up with evilness. She was the first to plant the seed of hate in my mom’s mind. “Your daughter in law is very dark, I had not expected her to be so dark.” My mom would never say that in front of me but she spilled it around, quite foolishly as her own opinion. This also underscored the fact that my parents were mental slaves to my sister.

She further added: “Why did my brother choose a darker wife, he is quite fair if we compare both of them.”

My parents listened to my sister, so much that they kept their brains in hibernation. It was the biggest deal breaker for me to live there because I was extremely averse of my own parents living with borrowed thoughts. And I had very strong dislike for dowry and that is the only reason we did not allow this scourge of evil in my marriage. But what my parents did good by agreeing not to take dowry, they compensated with racism.

Shock of my lifetime.

In a big way my respect for my parents fell off the pedestal and it never went up. I was completely okay with my wife. But this daily mocking by her skin color was the deal breaker among many other evils which my sister and some relatives unleashed on us. There were many other reasons, and the breakup happened one day.

In due course of time, me and my wife separated, struggled and made a life for us, raised a family. As time passed my wife opened up on the experiences she had to face with respect to her skin color. After hearing them I suffered from lot of anguish.

Constructing our independent life.

It seems that most of her alliances prior to mine broke because of her skin color. There was one guy though who said OK to her. She had not decided yet. But her father found out that the boy was hiding his limp and once he found that he immediately rejected him. He had the arrogance to ask her father why he rejected him. He father being a straight forward person gave the honest answer. He retorts: “But your daughter is dark, will she ever get any groom?” This really pissed off her father who hit back: “I am ready to take care of my daughter if she remains unmarried, my daughter may be dark skinned but we are not hiding that from the world, however you tried to cheat us by hiding and not telling that you are a cripple.”

What a perfect answer I thought. Straight from the heart, blunt.

Seriously the world is extremely biased. I was coming to terms with it.

My wife had seen enough boys before me and it seems I was the last. Oh lucky me! She had already told her decision to her parents that if this one does not click then I will never get married, ever. This must have given butterflies in the stomach to her parents. To have an unmarried daughter at home is not a very good thing in India. People will bite and pounce the parents by slandering them every single day.

And then the meeting happens with me. Life had taken a definite turn for her. She had left her past behind and was ready to take her chances in a bigger world.

The plant flourished into a tree.

Picture by author.

And when one wishes the heavens are aligned and the wishes are granted. She totally transformed herself from a village girl to an English speaking, super confident person. Her stints with martial arts allowed her to realize that she is an amazing athlete. We got a chance to live for continuous years together in the USA and there my wife joined “The Black Belt Excellence” program to train in Taekwondo. She was part of a multicultural team with students from 8 nations. And no one has any problem with her color. She felt more accepted in the US than in India. She went head first into completing her training. Nothing would bother her, only a burning desire to prove her mettle. After the Taekwondo black belt any sport she has entered, she only got the best and top position. It’s amazing to see her bloom and make a life she always cherished. I feel very contended that I was involved in spotting her talent, encouraging her and giving support for her education, allowing her to flourish.

Final Thoughts.

Taking the challenges head on, leaving those who had distanced me due to my wife’s color and achieving a kick-ass revenge by leading our life on our own terms. It would have never gone any other way. Not for me. Not for her. Not for us. And just like that twenty five years passed! We staked the claim and wrote our script on the anvil of time.

We are happy to have made it.