I Don’t Remember What Happiness Feels Like

It feels like being normal is long gone, so I don’t remember what happiness feels like anymore.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

There's a strange feeling in my heart that I can't put a name to. It's like a constant sadness, yet I haven't shed a tear ever since the feeling arrived.

I've been living like this for a very long time. Thirty years living on this planet, a decade of hollow feelings. I'm not proud, and I'm not romanticizing this—but depression took my joy away.

It feels like being normal is long gone, so I don't remember what happiness feels like anymore. It's like I'm floating, watching my life from the outside, unable to do anything about it—like my soul isn't inside me, and I'm living on autopilot every day.

It's okay most of the time, but sometimes it's not. Sometimes it feels like I've lost pieces of myself. Sometimes it feels like I've lost who I am, and I can't recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore. Sometimes I don't notice and just feel empty all of a sudden, until I remember what it felt like when I loved the things I did—life felt like it had meaning, colorful—I felt so alive doing what I loved.

Then it was suddenly robbed from me—not because I decided to leave it, but because I had to—and all that's left is the emptiness, hollowness, and loneliness. Life now just feels like a shade of grey.

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