The O.C. S02 E16–18

2.16 The Blaze Of Glory

Spring is here! I imagine this means that we need some sort of spring kickoff carnival party? Isn’t it just always the same weather in The O.C.? Does anyone really care that spring is here? All S cares about is pushing M and R back together. OW is dropping off M at school and I guess S cares not a jot for his ex-gf/one of his good pals/the woman who gave him a job and recently lent him $500 out of her own pocket because hey, being a dick and pushing M and R together will probably really hurt her. M is her gf! Too bad, OW, Spring Bonfire party is coming!

Sandy is trying to teach Kirsten golf, because it’s something they could do together and wow his hair is really getting long. Kirsten is distracted though, the big magazine is coming out soon! Carter used to edit GQ or something so I guess the meltdown he had that caused him to be left editing the Julie Cooper Vanity Project (JCVP) was somewhat epic. He also used to edit some liberal political thing at university which Sandy loved and now Sandy wants to hangout with him and that’s a great idea.

S will not fucking stop with pushing R on M and vice versa. Somewhat ironic that Adam Brody recently starred in a show called Nobody Wants This, because...

At the JCVP, Carter doesn’t show up for work, but he does leave a 3am drunk voicemail at the office, so that’s helpful. It’s good to have the foresight that you won’t make it to work when you’re shitfaced, that’s impressive. JC is off dealing with the porno payment so Kirsten is alone to deal with the JCVP.

R is going to build the actual bonfire for the spring party, because he’s the only one capable of doing such a thing, of course. Wouldn’t the groundskeepers or other school staff be the ones trusted to make a large fire, not the kid who burned down a house?

I like that JC came to Sandy to deal with the porno plot, since he’s the only lawyer in town. As a client of course Sandy can’t tell Kirsten or Grandpa about any of this. The fact that the movie is called ‘The Porn Identity’ and the plot revolves around a woman with amnesia, also pretty great. Sandy says ‘just go to the cops’ since y’know, he’s not the guy to deal with this kinda thing! Incidentally, what kinda lawyer actually is her? Never mind. JC appeals to his sense of, what M would do with this news. Yeah, prob not great. Sandy is on the case and immediately starts calling the burly guy ‘The Colonel’ because of Boogie Nights. Ha! Good one Sandman.

Sum rips S a new new one about how S needs to quit his fucking dumbass matchmaking and yes yes yes 100% agreement here. S of course, does not plan to listen. Of course not! When has he ever done anything apart from pursued his own selfish/insane desires? The clock is clearly ticking on OW and M.

Carter is at home, pounding whiskey and listening to music super loud like a badass. His hair isn’t even combed! Wildman! Kirsten is pitching the JCVP to Carter as a chance to be subversive and irreverent and uh, I don’t think those are the words JC would use to describe her plan. And for once, JC would be right. The people of Newport do not want a subversive magazine. They want, uh, versive?

M argues with JC about how she doesn’t need to get a job because she can just steal, and that would really show JC! Yes, and also that would be great for your own life? I mean, maybe just relax a little, for once? OW walks directly into S’s room, because nobody has a front door in this world. OW needs advice about M and instead S jumps into how he’d love to view sex-tapes of them? Calm down sicko. M and S, not the most thoughtful calm folks.

S doesn’t mention to OW that he’s pushing M back towards R with every fiber of his being and doesn’t care at all about destroying OW’s world, but he does say how M & R slept in a tent together at the mall. Nice one! OW is now going to kick R’s ass! R finds the whole thing very amusing for a bit, grinning in a patronizing way, but the more OW pushes him the more he steps forward and tells her to walk away. I mean, walk away or, uh, what? He’ll punch her out? That kindaaaa seems like the implication.

The plan R has concocted for the bonfire is that they’ll build a horse, get it a Trojan horse! Ha! Then burn it, burning man style! I don’t care about the horse, but I am all in on Sandy barging into the Colonel’s room and playing hardball over ‘The Porn Identity.’ Sandy makes the valid point that, even if this guy does stream it live on the internet as he’s threatening to do, nobody gonna care dude! JC is not some big celebrity, even though she acts like one. But still, let’s not put the tape online huh?

S half owns up to how he set OW on R. Also the bonfire stuff. R actually full yells at S which, he did actually earn. It would be glorious if R could punch out S rather than OW. Maybe S could take one tiiiiiiny iota of self-reflecting time and see that Lindsay, who R liked a whole lot, just left town for good. And maybe R needs more than a couple of days to process that? And people don’t always need to be in (very self-destructive) relationships? Nah.

JC drops by the pool house with her own plan for helping M. Since M looks to R for help, JC thinks maybe R could just point her in the direction of heading home? R, the only real adult in the show possibly, is like no lady, I’m not getting in the middle of this shit AGAIN! But you know, he has to…

For some reason R decides that the way to achieve success here, is to barge into OW’s house and demand she give up on M and let her return home. Like OW is holding her prisoner or something? R, my guy, maybe a little more Cicero style speaking action here vs Liam Neeson style home invasions. With M not there, R heads to the beach to help build a giant ass wooden horse. Remember, he’s going to be an architect! You might have thought this project would need to be done sooner than an hour before the party starts, but you thought wrong! R is going to be an elite, speedy architect.

Carter looks through the old magazine Kirsten brought him, firing his passion for the tough journalism and take no prisoners attitude that is clearly going to be the cornerstone of the JCVP.

Sum needs to actually break S’s arm over him butting in everywhere ‘wanting everyone to be happy’ aka interfering and trying to shape the world how he wants it to be, fuck your feelings, you are all my puppets. Sandy drops by the motel with a new plan, Sandy has started his own film company and brings a document for the Colonel to sign, giving him the rights to ‘The Porn Identity’ in exchange for the $500k. At least JC’s privacy is protected but now she has to go to Grandpa for the money. Not ideal, but better than the alternative streaming site etc.

OW shows up at the beach party and she’s brought two goons with her to kick R’s ass! Before they all get into it (does seem like R was actually ready and happy to rumble, old school Atwood style) M is like hey, OW, sorry but my life is school and I actually like it (because you know, I’m a teenager in high school and you’re an adult who owns a bar) and OW is like hmm, maybe this isn’t going to work. Yeah it’s not the pep rallies you don’t fit into, it’s that you’re an adult and she’s a kid!

The two of them cry and OW decides she’s going to ‘go home,’ whatever the fuck that means and also, maybe, go back to school? I mean, she could just not see M or S or any of those teen-idiots any more and just keep running one of the most successful live music venues in America, but no. She must, like all that have come between M & R before her, leave forever, never to be seen again.

S obviously takes this as complete vindication. He managed to manipulate M and R and OW all in order to break OW’s heart, drive her out of town, and maybe push two people who should not be together back together. Nice work! Burn that giant wooden horse! Too bad they didn’t make a bridge and light that on fire to really nail the symbolism for OW.

Another big win for S, another friend he’s taken advantage of, betrayed and abandoned! Nice!

2.17 The Brothers Grim

Kirsten is working overtime on the JCVP and R & S are working hard on the Playstation but Sandy wants everyone to have a family dinner and no phones are allowed! But an exception is made for, yes, you guessed it from the title, deadbeat brother Trey is back baby! Trey is out of jail and ready to destroy R’s life again! Join the lineup behind S for that sir! I thought Trey was way way older than 20? But no, he’s barely older than S.

Zach is hilariously coming to school on a Vespa because he was just in Italy and is saying Bonjourno and things! Zach remains awesomely optimistic and Sum can’t believe he wouldn’t be suicidal after she dumped him but managed instead to carry on with his life. S makes a pretty great joke about how people never leave and come back. This is true, I very much expected the team to receive a message saying Zach moved to Italy for good.

Sandy for some insane reason offers to R to have Trey stay with them at the house. No! Sandman, do not do that. Help him get a job? Sure. Vouch for him and provide a reference? No problem! Invite him to the house? Not a great plan! R smartly says ‘yeah, no’ and they drop Trey at some sketchy shithole of a house. Of course, as R watches Trey sadly knock on the door, R is like ‘ahhhhhhh OK, come live with us!’ End well, this will not. Already R has to give up the poolhouse and move inside, which seems kinda unfair?

JC is not exactly working hard on the JCVP being as she is, a little distracted by ‘The Porn Identity.’ She tells Kirsten, making Grandpa about the only person in town who isn’t aware of this. Zach reveals to S that he met a hot Italian lady and don’t tell Sum because it might hurt her feelings. I can only assume Zach is playing 4D chess here, and wants Sum’s feelings to be hurt, because he has to know that S will immediately blurt out all of this as soon as he sees Sum.

S is totally cool with Trey living there and with Sandy handing over a few hundred bucks for Trey to get some stuff he needs. Probably S is thinking about how he can manipulate this next rube passing through his life. Trey is all smiles and gratitude and this will last what, fifteen minutes?

Also headed swiftly for doom, JC meets with Grandpa (wearing an outrageous candy striped shirt under his suit) and she hilariously buries her request for $500k for porn blackmail cash inside a kitchen renovation discussion. Grandpa is like ‘yeah no worries I’ll pay it.’ Did she really expect he’d be like, ‘nah whatever, let my wife have some old porn movie she made splashed around the world, that won’t embarrass me.’ $500k to him is probably like $500 to you or me.

Of course, OF COURSE, the second S sees Sum he blurts out that Zach has an Italian gf and OF COURSE, the second Sum hears that she flips out about ‘how could Zach do this to her??’ To you? The narcissism in these people would make the Kardashians blush.

M insanely shows up at the clothes store where R and Trey are looking for clothes and R and M do some of the clumsiest flirting you will ever see on any screen. Meanwhile Trey freaks out when the snooty shop assistant asks to check his bag and R has to wrestle Trey away from heading back to prison. Hey Trey, here’s a though dude, maybe don’t trash a store the day after you get out of prison? I’m not an expert here, but I don’t think parole officers like that sort of thing.

JC picks up on how Kirsten is crushing hard on editor Carter, which does seem accurate. It also means she cuts a huge amount of slack to Sandy for letting Trey stay at the house. Sure! Why not stay! Let’s just convert the pool house to a full halfway house. If you see anyone else on the drive home, pick them up too! Do you need me to pick Trey up any blow while I’m at the store?

Zach drops off all Sum’s shit but Sum is mad because she wants him to keep it all? I mean sure, makes sense. Sum also let’s fly on Zach about how dare he hookup with another girl after she dumped him and actively tried to break his heart at the airport. Sum is doing a great job of picking up S’s most noxious personality traits.

Seems unlikely that Grandpa would bring a suitcase of cash to the Colonel’s motel but here we are. He suggests that his PI’s already knew about the movie and he knows everything about everything. I mean he’s the richest man in town (and it’s a rich town) so that checks out. Once he has the tape he let’s in a couple of goons to fuck up The Colonel and take back the cash. On the one hand, seems like a smart move, on the other, his fingerprints are all over this and wouldn’t he be better just writing off the $500k as some sort of tax deductible donation?

I’m sort of unclear if JC is pushing Kirsten to bang Carter, but she seems very into the whole having fun drinking wine with him plan. I guess it would be fun for JC to see the golden girl dipping her toe into bad behavior.

Sum takes Zach’s stuff over to his house in order to rub it in his face I guess, and his mom is like ‘yeah he never left the room, he never met another girl, it was all just a pretense to protect his broken heart!’ Thanks Mom! way to destroy the last remnant of my social standing.

Trey can’t find a job and maybe a better use of the Cohen family’s money/influence would be to help get Trey a job, any job? Surely they know people in construction or something through the Newport Group where he could start out at the bottom? R finds the watch they accused Trey of stealing and Trey is like ‘no I bought it as a gift for you asshole!’ and storms off. Since he has the receipt I thiiiink that checks out. Sandy shrugs like well, Trey left but that’s what we expected right?

Zach is all humbled with Sum about how he made up his Italian gf. I’m more interested in where he got the Vespa. Did he have that shipped from Italy? But ha, see, Zach did know S would tell Sum right away. Zach is the best. He deserves better! You can find true love, sweet long haired prince! It’s hard to get a head around the deep jealousy circle here. OK, Sum is mad at S for telling her about Zach’s fake gf, which Zach created to see if she still cared about him? I don’t know. Stop literally inventing reasons to fight, you weirdos.

M is going with R to Chino to look for Trey. No. Do not any of you do that. Too late, here they are in deepest bad Chino. We know it’s a really bad bar because Trey is smoking inside and it’s not very well lit in there! Be careful heroes!

Why do I feel like The Colonel is going to ruin the huge launch party of the JCVP? Of course, this is taking place at the Cohen mansion. And yes, here he is, in disguise as a waiter with a black-eye. Uh-oh! As soon as JC gets on stage to introduce her intro video to the magazine we know what’s coming (so to speak) on the big screen — ‘The Porn Identity!’ Big fail by Grandpa on this one. He may as well just have had The Colonel killed. (Why didn’t he?)

Sandy finally meets Carter, his hero (??) and Kirsten stands awkwardly between them and why is she making this so weird? Act like you’ve had a conversation before lady. Carter really seems to be a good chap, he likes Sandy and he tells Kirsten, ‘hey, anything weird here is my fault, let’s just take it easy huh?’

R and M have just sat around drinking in the crappy bar after Trey left and it takes about three seconds before some dude tries to, I guess, kidnap M? This forces R, then Trey into a big brawl. This means that Trey can come back and live with them, because he didn’t let his little brother get killed in a bar brawl. He’s so great! He’s changed! (?)

Family dinner happens after all, everyone eating hors d’oeuvres together in the Cohen living room.

2.18 The Risky Business

I have very vague memories of S2. There’s really been nothing so far where I’m like ‘Ohh right this happened,’ like in an old Dawson’s Creek episode. It’s possible I only ever watched the episodes once? I do have some memory though, that Trey and OW interact? But that doesn’t jibe with the dead-on joke S made in the last episode, people never leave here and come back.

Trey is busy this morning, making breakfast for everyone and asking Sandy about surf lessons. He’s changed!

Ron Howard voice. He has not changed.

JC and Grandpa are fleeing to Europe to ride out ‘The Porn Identity’ backlash and during that time M is going to stay with the Cohen’s. They just can’t get enough of awkward house guest relationships can they.

Big news this week — Kirsten is organizing the annual (??) O.C. charity yard sale, aka this week’s giant party, in a ballroom. I’m not sure why it’s not taking place at the Cohen house like every other social event, this is very troubling. Sandy does not want to be the chairperson of this, but is seduced by the idea of being on stage with a mic and having people forced to listen to him banter. Of course R & S need to help and uh, so does Trey. The O.C. housewives love that good looking Trey is around to help with the heavy lifting. What could go wrong? Surely he won’t be blamed for something/do a crime.

S is loving the idea of M moving in, and kissing R nonstop, and is acting out fantasies of what might happen when they meet at the fridge late at night. Because he is a normal, well adjusted young man.

Zach, who for some reason is still in the show despite being (hopefully, please Lord) removed from the S & Sum dynamic, is talking about donating comics to the big auction. What they need is a reason for him to need to live with Cohen’s for a bit, with everyone else.

Helping with the priceless (ie the $10,000 egg from Risky Business, do you get the title now) auction items is Trey. Sandy is not at all worried that the ex-con is knocking around, unsupervised, by a bunch of easily stealable artifacts. This is definitely where he should be directing Trey and not driving him to job interviews.

In the pool house, M is topless which isn’t ideal when R barges in looking for Trey who has now been moved inside (??) and just how many goddamn rooms does this house have and why does the newest guest always get the pool house? Shouldn’t that just be R’s room to help him feel a sense of permanence? Jesus.

Nobody can sleep, and so at 6am R and M do meet at the fridge, just like in S’s fantasies. I imagine he’s whacking off somewhere in a cupboard, watching. The two of them sit and eat ice-cream and is anyone really Ross and Rachel-ing these two? Not me!

The house is going to get a little less crowded because M is kindly hooking up Trey with a new place — OW’s apartment! So I was right, there is overlap. No wait, OW totally left. M attempts to make some weird deal with the landlord whereby Trey will be the building super or handyman or something in exchange for uh, free rent? But no, the guy wants Trey to actually pay money, wow, what world are you from bro?? Where oh where could Trey get a few thousand bucks???

The Risky Business egg, which is balanced on a tiny platform, almost gets knocked over by the self-absorbed (!) S but R saves it — just like the movie! Carter is nosing around, at this point possibly annoying Sandy by how much time he’s spending with Kirsten and for some reason randomly suggesting S put all his comic book crap into a graphic novel. S says he’d love to but for some reason it all depends on if Sum will let him? Atomic County though, I mean the name is great even if the characters and plots are god awful.

Trey is out at mysterious hours and R is of course, rightly, suspicious. Trey isn’t used to how everyone knows your business within five seconds, and so M offers to lend Trey the cash for the apartment. It’s fine though, he has a totally legit way of getting the cash. Don’t worry about it! Totally cool!

Zach is pushing S to ignore Sum and make the comic stuff, which, yes, do that. Carter is also on the ‘let’s make comics train’ and has setup some meeting with a big comic book insider. S is being as pathetic as usual, trying to keep Sum happy by not pursuing his dreams. Quite why she wouldn’t want him to pursue them, who the fuck knows. Zach is wisely like, ‘fuck that let’s publish bro!’ Or maybe Zach, just divorce yourself entirely from these narcissistic loons!? Sum stamps her foot about how she’s going to murder S and/or Zach if they do anything she doesn’t like. What a reasonable, supportive gf! Thank you for your kind words!

We get some bullshit about a silver tea service that maybe Trey could steal or Kirsten seems to want to buy, but before that can happen, the Risky Business egg is missing! R is sure Trey took it, which seems like a fair assumption, but maybe let’s gather incontrovertible evidence before we make wild accusations huh? No need, M says Trey needed money for the apartment hence he must have done it! R is right in Trey’s face right away and I mean, this is really on Sandy for once. It’s like locking an alcoholic in a room all night with only a bottle of Jack for comfort then being mad when you open the door to an open bottle. What do you imagine is going to happen? But yeah, uh, he did steal it.

S & R have to go retrieve the egg and so M & Sum have to stall for time by dicking about on stage with Sandy. I don’t know how many items they have at this auction but if they need to create enough time for R & S to drive across LA and back they better be auctioning off the contents of the Smithsonian.

At the dirtbag’s house who now owns the crystal egg (why did they buy it? Big black market for rare crystal eggs in California??) S & R manage to steal it back. We then get maybe the most preposterous O.C. scene ever (impressive) with R throwing the egg like he’s Dan Marino and S catching it. Sure! The idea that S would catch anything, no. Anyway, they get the egg back just in time for it to be sold for $10k. Everyone is happy! What a weird setup this all was.

Sandy knows some bullshit with Trey was going on but doesn’t push it. M is also like, ‘Hey, maybe stop ruining your brother’s life, here’s the cash you needed from selling a random tea-set.’ We’re yet to understand why this is so important to Kirsten but I’m guessing, since it came from the Cooper Mansion it was maybe once her mother’s or something. Yes, I was right, Kirsten thought it was lost but for just a few thousand bucks, now she has back something that she owed. Phew!

JC came home early from Europe so M has to leave before she can kiss R and I’m sure she’ll never get another opportunity.