Dialoguing With My Internal Parts

Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash

Lately, I’ve delved into IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy. I listened to a Martha Beck podcast with Richard, the founder of IFS, where they discuss how everyone has different parts.

Suddenly, everything clicked.

I realized I often talk as if one part of me wants this, but the other part wants that.

“A part is not just a temporary emotional state or habitual thought pattern. Instead, it is a discrete and autonomous mental system that has an idiosyncratic range of emotion, style of expression, set of abilities, desires, and view of the world. In other words, it is as if we each contain a society of people, each of whom is at a different age and has different interests, talents, and temperaments. In” ― Richard C. Schwartz

I started on this quest to understand my parts and get to know myself better.

I often realize not all the parts of me agree on one part’s goal.

One part of me wants to lose weight, work out regularly, and have a more active life. We are sure that this will help elevate my body’s energy, and I will be a better version of myself physically.

On the other hand, a part of me does not enjoy hard, physical work. She has other plans. Sometimes, this part wants to eat ice cream after a difficult day or desires dessert next to the cappuccino right after a morning walk as a reward.

One thing is, I realized that the inner talk does not represent the whole of me; it is only a part of me.

This separation alone, that “I am not just my part” is relieving.

What is more fascinating about IFS is that it allows you to be aware of your different parts and gather information from them.

I was very curious about how our parts work and wanted to try them firsthand, so I looked for an IFS therapist.

First IFS Therapy Session and a quick introduction to “Pushy”

I got to know a part of me that I now call Pushy.

Pushy has been around for a long time.

Her whole purpose is to make sure “I am seen”. It does not matter to her how though because I have been in embarrassing situations a lot thanks to Pushy.

There were times in college when I raised my hand to ask a question, but it did not come off as smart or interesting as I thought it would be in my head. All 200–300 people in the audience had to watch me skillfully ridicule myself.

There were times until recently when I put extra effort into showing how much I learned about certain topics to people around me. Pushy’s whole purpose was to make a difference in how my social circle perceived me.

Pushy is innocent in its intention.

However, it does not ask my opinion at all and jumps right into action mode.

When it is done, it leaves the scene, and I am here left with the consequences that will have lifelong effects.

Pushy showed up at the therapy session as the part that wanted a good outcome from the session.

Pushy was rushing to get the most out of the session.

Pushy was eager to observe how the therapist held the session.

There were a lot of emotions that came up during the session, and my therapist suggested taking it easy.

But Pushy did not agree to that; she wanted to know as much as we could learn from this session, and whatever the emotions come up, we can handle that later.

Then my therapist asked this question which helped me see another side of Pushy. “How do you think Pushy is helping you?”

I was like, “Helping me?”.

I did not think Pushy was helping me until that question.

That question gave me another perspective to analyze Pushy’s pushy behaviors.

Yes, Pushy was trying to help me.

Me: Pushy, why are you pushing me so hard, do not you see I am emotional and I need some care and attention from my therapist?

Pushy: We do not have too much time. We need to learn as much as we can from her.

Me: But I really need a minute to process my emotions.

Pushy: We are running out of time. You can handle your emotions later. Focus on the big goal.

Pushy knows how much I love IFS.

Getting the IFS therapy firsthand not only means getting to know my parts better but at the same time learning the ins and outs of it.

So, I could skillfully apply that to my coaching sessions with clients.

Pushy did not want to settle with the therapist’s first suggestion to take it easy.

Pushy wanted to push me to get the most out of it from this session.

Pushy is an emergency manager

Yesterday was one of the days that Pushy was super active.

I took a test in the morning. It was quite stressful to complete that task.

Once I came home, my body was in an adrenaline rush, as if I was chased by Pushy to be super productive.

My husband was taking care of the house, so I could focus on the test the past couple of days.

Meanwhile, guilt was on the rise, waiting behind the doors to show up to rush in.

Each time my husband did something extra for me, or every instance that I chose to study the test instead of spending time with my daughter, the guilt score increased.

Of course, Pushy did what it was supposed to do.

She did not want me to live with a mountain of guilt; she wanted me to do things to clear it up. She was managing the emergency, quite skillfully.

Pushy has a narrow vision

One big problem is that Pushy does not see the world the way I see it.

Pushy has a partial understanding of the world.

She is also significantly younger than me.

It makes sense that Pushy has only a few options to balance the guilt out.

“Why are we having guilt in the first place?”, is never a question to her. Her focus is to get rid of the guilt on the price of everything else.

That’s the reason I ended up cooking four different dishes, sent my husband out to work on his project, and took care of my daughter at the same time.

On the other hand, my body was signaling to me that something was not right.

My neck started to clench, and based on previous experiences, I knew my body was trying to communicate with me.

I could not stop though.

It seemed impossible to stop everything and take ten minutes to myself.

Pushy was doing what it was supposed to do.

I gave full control to her.

My body was moving as if the remote control was pushed with the good intentions of Pushy.

Later I realized that my body’s signaling me was a way for my essential self to warn me.

Whatever I was doing was not right, and not beneficial for my overall health.

I will write more about how I interpreted my body’s signal.

For now, all I want to say is that;

If you find yourself doing things that are not to your benefit, start getting to know your parts on why they are making you do that.

How is your part trying to help you?

Is there something you are running away from?

Is it too painful to face it?

Happy healing!