English is Not the Only Door to the World

What changed when I learned a language for curiosity and not perfection

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

About 10 years ago, I lived in Vancouver. In some daily situations, I felt like I became a small child.

For example, at a supermarket. I think it was Safeway, or some other local store. I remember spending a lot of time just standing in front of the milk section. There were too many types of milk. Whole, low-fat, organic… In Japanese, I can make this decision in one second. But in English, my thinking just stopped. I thought, “Why can’t I do this simple thing?” and I felt very pathetic.

At the register, the cashier asked me a short question at the end. I couldn’t understand it quickly. I wondered if it was about the bag, the receipt, or a loyalty card. I could feel the people waiting behind me. My heart beat fast, and my mind became blank. In the end, I just showed my debit card. It was the right answer, so I was relieved, but I felt empty because I just wanted to act like a normal adult.

Another time, at a bank in Vancouver, a staff member asked me for my “address”. In Japan, we often use the word “address” for email addresses too. So I gave my email address. Then I heard the staff member say to a colleague, “She is confused.”

I understood that sentence perfectly. In that moment, I felt like I was downgraded from an “adult” to a “confused person.” I felt that I had to do something or say something, but I didn’t know what to do. I just froze there.

When I speak a foreign language, I feel like a child again. I have many thoughts in my head, but I don’t have the tools or the speed to say them. I feel a kind of loneliness, like “The real me is here, but nobody can reach her.”

When I was in high school, I went to England for an exchange program. I couldn’t keep up with the conversation during dinner. My brain had to do this: Listen -> Translate -> Understand -> Prepare -> Speak. By the time I was ready to speak, the food became cold and the topic had already changed. I felt a kind of despair when the topic changed just as I was about to open my mouth. I thought, “Oh, forget it, it’s too late.” I just wanted to pretend that I understood everything and survive the moment. I smiled and nodded at the right time, but I was just acting to hide that I was lost.

I have always been interested in languages since I was young. I studied a little bit on my own: Korean, German, and Chinese. But Portuguese was different because I had someone who taught me and I had many opportunities to practice speaking it. I started studying Portuguese not because my English became perfect, but just because I was curious.

In Portuguese, I felt it was okay to be a “complete beginner.” I didn’t feel the pressure to say “correct expressions” or to be “natural” like I did with English. The moment I realized it’s okay to make mistakes, I felt a sudden relief, like I could finally breathe deeply.

I realized that English is not the only door to the world.

My raw thoughts in Japanese (fragmented notes).

10年前、バンクーバーに住んでいた頃の話。

スーパー（たぶんSafewayだったと思うが、地元の普通の店）で牛乳を選ぶのにめちゃくちゃ時間がかかる。種類が多すぎる。Whole, low-fat, organic… 日本語なら一瞬で終わる判断なのに、英語だと思考が止まる。「なんでこんな簡単なことができないんだろう」という情けなさを感じた。

レジでのやり取り。店員が最後に何か短い質問をした。すぐに聞き取れなかった。袋のことか、レシートか、ポイントカードか。後ろに並んでいる人の視線が背中に刺さっている感じ。心臓がバクバクして、頭の中が真っ白になる。とりあえずデビットカードを出す。それで正解だった。安心したけど、「ただの大人として振る舞いたいだけなのに」。

銀行での出来事。住所(address)を聞かれた。日本語の感覚で「メールアドレス」を答えてしまった。行員が同僚に「She is confused（彼女、混乱してるね）」と言っていたのが聞こえた。 英語が理解できちゃうからこそ、その言葉が突き刺さった。一瞬で、私は「意思疎通ができる大人」から「助けが必要な困った人」に格下げされた感覚。何か反応しなきゃいけないのに、何をしたらいいのか全く分からず、ただそこに固まっていた。

外国語を話すと、子供に戻った気分になる。考えはあるのに、ツール（言葉）と速度がない。「本当の私はここにいるのに、誰にも届かない」という孤独感。

高校時代のイギリス交換留学。夕食の会話についていけない。「聞く→訳す→理解する→準備する→言う」というステップを踏んでいる間に、料理が冷めるし、話題も変わっている。口を開こうとした瞬間に話題が変わった時の、「あ、もういいや」という絶望感。本当はついていけていないのに、わかっているふりをして、ただその場をやり過ごしたいという気持ち。笑うべきところで笑って、頷くべきところで頷く。そんな「演技」をしていた。

もともと言語には興味があった。独学で少しだけやったのは、韓国語、ドイツ語、中国語。その中でも、ちゃんと教えてくれる人がいて、話す機会が多かったのがポルトガル語。ポルトガル語を始めたのは、英語を完璧にしてからではなく、ただの好奇心。ポルトガル語では「初心者」でいていい安心感があった。英語のように「正しい表現をしなきゃ」というプレッシャーがなかった。「間違えてもいいんだ」と思えた瞬間、気持ちがふっと軽くなった。

世界には英語以外のドアがある。

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